Hershl had been living in
“Quelle heure est il?”
In a typical Parisienne way the man uttered:
“Je ne sais pas”.
This unexpected reply found Hershl out of his depth:
“Is it that late?” – he said.
A man fancied the Polish peasant’s beautiful, young spouse, but did not know how to achieve his purpose, as the husband guarded his wife jealously and did not let her out of his eyesight. One night he was awakened from deep sleep by a knock on the window of his cottage.
“Janek, look out! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”
Thoroughly shocked, Janek sat up in his bed and looked to the pillow next to him. His lady was right there, sleeping soundly.
“Silly joker,” - grumbled Janek to himself and drifted off again. After a while, another knock came and a voice called again:
“Watch it, Janek! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”
Janek looked again and again there was nobody else in their marital bed.
After the third knock on his window, Janek got really mad, put on his pants, opened the door and walked around the cottage, to see who was at the back window, disturbing his sleep. That was the opportunity the secret admirer was waiting for. As soon as Janek left the room, he slipped through the door and got into bed, next to Janek’s wife.
When Janek reached the back window he obviously did not find anyone there. He started to return to the room, when he happened to look through the window and saw the stranger in bed next to his wife. He scratched his head and said wonderingly:
“From the outside it certainly looks that way!”
The family was all assembled around the bedside of a dying old Jew. With his eyes closed, his voice feeble, the patriarch asked:
“Is Sara here?”
“Yes, my dear,” - answered his faithful wife. “I am here by your side.”
“And is Abraham here?”
“Yes, Papa,”
“Are Reuven, Tamar and Rivka and little Moses nearby?”
“Yes, Papa, we are,” - replied the children in unison.
Abruptly the old man sat up and with his stern eyes wide open, looked at his loved ones:
“If everybody is here,” - he shouted - “then who the hell is minding the store?”
A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:
“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”
“John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.
“John who?”
The two shrugged:
“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”
“So maybe you can tell me his address?”
Another shrug.
“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”
The sergeant tried another track:
“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”
“We don’t know. We never asked.”
Now the policeman became really exasperated.
“Is there anything you do know?”
The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:
“We know that John had two schmucks.”
“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.
“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:
“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”
A Ukrainian accused of murder and armed robbery was brought before an investigating judge. As he didn’t speak English, the court appointed an interpreter for him. A transcript from the investigation:
Judge: “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”
Interpreter: (in Ukrainian) “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”
Accused: “Yes, I do.”
Interpreter: “Yes, I do.”
Judge: “And where did you hide the loot?”
Interpreter: “And where did you hide the loot?”
Accused: “That is my secret.”
Interpreter: “That is my secret.”
Judge: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”
Interpreter: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”
Accused: “I buried it in the church yard.”
Interpreter: “I prefer to die.”
A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself:
“I'd give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walked up to him and whispered
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said:
“OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself:
“Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”
The same stranger moved to his side and said:
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said:
“Sure.”
And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win.
Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said:
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer said:
“Certainly.”
And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said:
“You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”
Cohen came to the rabbi:
“Rabbi, you are such a wise and learned person, advise me what to do with my geese. They are dying off one by one.”
“Change their water every morning.”
Three days later Cohen returned to the rabbi:
“Rabbi, my geese are still dropping.”
“Give them some fresh oats.”
Three days later Cohen returned once again:
“Rabbi, the geese are still dropping dead.”
“Try to whitewash their enclosure.”
Three days later Cohen and the rabbi ran into each other:
“Rabbi, every last one of my geese has perished.”
“What a pity, I still have so many pieces of good advice left.”
