Category: Drinking Problem DIFFERENT TREATMENT Harry had a bit of a drinking problem Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked:

"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him:

"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state:

"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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Category: Doctors and Patients EFFICIENT DETERRENT

A lady complained to her physician:

“I’m so nervous that I’m unable to sleep. All night I pace up and down in my room. Can you prescribe me something?”

“Before going to bed, scatter some drawing-pins around your bed.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients THE TERMINATOR

Using a model, the medical student was having an exam in childbirth.

“That's enough!” – said suddenly the professor. “Now all you have to do is to bludgeon the father and you'll have succeeded in exterminating the whole family.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients C'EST LA VIE

A man came to the small town clinic with dull red lesions in the genital area. The doctor examined him and said:

“I am sorry, Sir, but you have syphilis.”

“But I just slept with my wife and Mrs. Peabody,” - claimed the patient.

“I really don’t care who you had intercourse with, I just state the facts.”

He gave the patient the necessary medication and turned to his next case. A fortnight later, another man came in with similar chancres. The physician found that he too had contracted syphilis. This patient also claimed to have slept only with his wife and Mrs. Peabody. So it went for almost a year. Every month or so, another patient with syphilis turned up at the clinic and each man protested that he only had intercourse with his wife and Mrs. Peabody.

One day, another middle-aged gent appeared with the usual symptoms. When the doctor diagnosed the same venereal disease, the man protested:

“But I only slept with my wife!”

“C’est la vie, Mr. Peabody,” - sighed the physician.

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Category: C'est la Vie SHUT HIM UP

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You've got to have a room somewhere,” - he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don't care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” - admitted the manager -”and he might be glad to split the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” - the tired Marine assured him. “I'll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How'd you sleep?” - asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed.

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” - said the Marine.

“How'd you manage that?” - asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” - the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me.”

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Category: Business is Busineess IRISH BINGO

A young girl from Donegal left home to find work in the bright lights of London. She came home six months later and stepped out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," - said her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replied:

"Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she was back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!"

Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She handed her mother 1,000 pounds and explained that she won it all in bingo. Then she asked Mom to run her a bath, as she needed to freshen up.

Her Mom drew the bath while Colleen got undressed in her bedroom, but when she got to the washroom, there was only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, called downstairs:

"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin" - replied her Mom - "but we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

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Category: Boys & Girls FOXY GIRL

In a train compartment, there were three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turned to the erotic. The young girl had a suggestion:

“If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulled up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she said:

“If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs.”

The men being what they are, all took out a ten-dollar bill. The girl then pulled up her dress all the way to her legs in full. The conversation continued and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Now the young girl said:

“If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three forked over the money. The girl then turned to the window and pointed outside at a building they were passing.

“See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!”

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Category: Blondes THE OTHER SIDE

So there was this blonde out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoohoo” – she shouted, – “how can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back:

“You are on the other side.”

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Category: Blondes HAI R COLOR

A blonde girl got sick of being called stupid, so she did something about it. She died her hair a really dark brown. Then she thought to herself:

“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.”

So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him:

“If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?”

The farmer said:

“Sure, there's no way you can guess that.”

So, the girl thought a while, then said:

“You have 356 sheep on your farm.”

“That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?”

“Us intelligent people just know these things.”

Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her.

“Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?”

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Category: At Work COMMUNICATION BARRIER A visitor at the office heard the boss bellowing in the next room. “Why is he shouting?” – he asked the secretary. “He is talking to London.” “Then why doesn’t he use the phone?”

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Category: At School COMEBACK

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked:

"What would you say if tomorrow I said that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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Category: Army Stories A WILLING MAN

During World War II the campaign in the Western Desert was a long and tedious one. The soldiers spent long months in the sand dunes, far from civilization, with only an occasional camel to look at. One night the colonel called in his orderly and confessed:

“I simply must have a woman. Any type will do, young, old, fat, thin, ugly – it does not matter, as long as it is a female. Can you get me one?” – he asked.

At first the orderly just shook his head, but when his superior officer kept badgering him, he came up with a suggestion:

“What about that Chinese cook in the kitchen? He has a nice, fat behind. Wouldn’t he do, Sir?”

The colonel shuddered at the suggestion and told the orderly to forget it. A few more weeks passed and the colonel became desperate. He called his orderly in again and said:

“It seems that there is no other choice. Please arrange for me to meet that cook, but I don’t want anybody else to hear about it.”

“Impossible, Sir,” - replied the aide. “Besides us two and the Chink, at least four more soldiers will have to know about your assignment.”

“Who the hell are those four others you are bringing in?” – asked the officer in exasperation.

“We need them to hold down the cook, because he does not like to be fucked.”

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Category: Animal World THE MOUSE AND THE GIRAFFE This one mouse in the zoo had a crush on the giraffe. One night he built up enough courage to visit the giraffe and things went pretty well. Soon, one thing led to another and they ended up spending a passionate night together. The next morning the baboon walked past the mouse and saw the poor little guy lying exhausted on the floor. “How did it go with giraffe last night?” - he asked. The mouse, barely able to lift his head, replied: “I'll tell you one thing, between the French kissing and the sex, I must have run about a hundred miles last night!”

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Category: Airlines OUTSTANDING SERVICE On a Singapore Airlines flight, an unaccompanied minor was entrusted to the care of a young stewardess. She gave him some puzzles to work out and went to see about the rest of her duties. Somewhere above the ocean, the boy told the stewardess that he had to go to the bathroom urgently. The girl took him to the toilet, showed him the facilities and left him to his own devices. Soon enough the child finished his business, but instead of returning to his seat, wandered off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, unnoticed by the flight attendant, another passenger entered the same toilet. When 5-6 minutes passed and the caring stewardess did not see the boy come out of the restroom, she went over to the toilet door, knocked on it and in a soft voice asked: “Do you need any help with your zipper dear?” From inside a startled voice was heard: “Good Grief! Singapore Airlines really does provide outstanding service.”

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Category: Afterlife YULETIDE Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said: "It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season." The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said: "This is supposed to be a candle." "Good enough" - said St. Peter. The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them. "What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said: "It's Jingle Bells." St. Peter sighed heavily and said: "Fine...go ahead.” Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties. St. Peter said: " What's THAT got to do with Christmas?" The bachelor replied: " They're Carols."

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Category: Women's Lib KNOWS HER MIND

A good-looking middle-aged woman entered a lingerie shop.

“I would like to buy some underwear.”

“Did you have anything specific in mind?”

“Specifically I had screwing on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some undies.”

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Category: Viagra REJUVENATION

The physician asked the elderly patient:

“Have the Viagra pills I prescribed been of any help?”

“Beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like a 20-year-old,” - enthused the old fellow.

“And what is your wife’s opinion?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been home for two weeks.”

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