Thursday, December 31, 2009

Category: Male Chauvinists MANPOWER PROBLEM

A young executive was looking for a secretary. About 20 girls answered the ad, but after a thorough screening process, only three applicants were left. The executive found it difficult to choose, as all three were equally proficient at their jobs. In the end he decided to test them. He gave each of the prospective secretaries $500 and told them they had complete freedom in deciding how to spend the money.

After a week he called the three and asked them what they did with the $500.

The first said that she went on a shopping spree and blew it all in one day.

The second put the sum in a savings account.

The third invested the money in shares and made a profit of $200 in one week.

Question: “Which of the applicants got the job?”

Answer: “The one with the big tits.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Category: In the Middle East REFORMIST HAVEN

A tourist, map in hand, stopped a passerby in Netanyah.

“Excuse me, where is the nearest Catholic Church?”

“There are no Catholic churches in Netanyah” (a town inhabited by Jews only), – answered the man.

“They must all be Protestants here,” – murmured the tourist to himself.

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Category: Lawyers VERY FAIR

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," - the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," - the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Monday, December 28, 2009

Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies THE OSTRICH

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke" - and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," - said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order:

"That will be $9.40 please," - and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said:

"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich said:

"I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became routine, until the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said:

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer:

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," - said the man, - "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars, or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," - said the man.

The waitress asked:

"So, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused and answered:

"My second wish was for a tall chick with big breasts and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Category: Gay Liberation Front MAID SERVICE

A lesbian went to a gynecologist and the gynecologist said:

“I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages.”

“Thanks,” - said the lesbian. “I have a woman in three times a week.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Category: Ecumenical Stories FACETIOUS

During a seminar break on a very hot day, a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied:

“I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Friday, December 25, 2009

Category: Ecummenical Stories THE PRIEST AND THE RABBI

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked:

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded:

"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked:

"Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied:

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest:

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied:

"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him:

"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied:

"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said:

"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Category: Doctors and Patients BIG EYE

In the prime of her career the world famous painter started losing her eyesight. Desperate, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: The doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor:

'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

The eye doctor responded:

“I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'“

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Category: Doctors and Patients MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

A woman came to the gynecologist with a complaint:

“I have been trying to become pregnant for more than ten years, but I have not succeeded.”

The physician gave the woman a thorough medical check-up and found absolutely nothing wrong with her.

“Excuse me” - he said finally - “but how does your husband perform the sexual act?”

“Always from behind,” - answered the patient.

“Then if you truly want to have children, tell him to assume the frontal position.”

“Then how shall I be able to watch TV?” - complained the woman.

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Category: C'est la Vie THE IRISH VIRGIN

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Monday, December 21, 2009

Category: Ecumenical Stories THE BILL

Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome went to the Vatican and presented an ancient, by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspected the envelope, shook his head and handed it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departed. This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to in turn by his predecessor...but then the Pope said:

“This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?”

“Damned if I know,” – answered the Chief Rabbi. “I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out.”

“Good idea,” – said the Pope.

So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search
Category: Business is Business CUSTOMER SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"


Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Category: Boys and Girls THE YOUNGER THE BETTER

A young man came to the father of his beloved:

“Sir, I respectfully request the hand of your daughter.”

“Did you speak to my wife yet?”

“Yes, I did, but if you don’t mind, I prefer your daughter.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Category: Blondes HOUSEPAINTER

This blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she wanted to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband was off at work, she decided to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He went over and asked her if she is ok. She replied yes. He asked what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women were dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asked her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS”.

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Friday, December 18, 2009

Category: Blondes FAKE REDHEAD

A young redhead came into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible," – said the doctor. "Show me."

She took her finger and pushed her elbow and screamed in agony. She pushed her knee and screamed, pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:

"You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," – she said. "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so!" – the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Category: At Work

JUST KIDDING

An office worker entered his boss’s office without knocking. He stuck out his tongue, overturned the superior’s cup of coffee, emptied the wastebasket onto his head, when his colleagues came up running and stopped him:

“Albert, we were just kidding. You didn’t win the first price on the lottery.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Category: Army Stories THE CHANGE

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announced:

“I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. You're going to change your underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy.....”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Monday, December 14, 2009

Category: Animal World MOUSY DEALINGS

Chewing its way through some old reels at the Warner Brothers film-library, a mouse encountered a colleague.

“How is the film?” - he asked.

“The book was better.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

Custom Search

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Category: Airlines CLARIFICATION

A student was heading to Miami for Spring Break. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Miami. As she gave the agent her luggage, she remarked:

"I'd like you to send my brown suitcase to Nova Scotia and my black suitcase to Paris." The confused agent said:

"I'm sorry, miss, we just can't do that." "Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Category: Women's Lib BRIEF ONES

Question:

“Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?”

Answer:

“Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.”

Question

“Why do men like big tits and a tight pussy?”

Answer:

“Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Friday, December 11, 2009

Category: Women's Lib LIFE GOES ON

During the last census, a census-taker arrived at a Bronx apartment and started entering the relevant data on the forms.

“What is your occupation?” - he asked the lady of the household.

“I am a housewife.”

“And what does your husband do for a living?”

“My husband died 17 years ago,” - answered the woman.

The man looked at the half-a-dozen small kids raising hell in the various parts of the apartment.

“And to whom these children belong to?”

“They are mine,” - came the prompt answer.

“How is that possible?”

“It is my husband who passed away, not me!”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Category: Viagra HANDLING PAIN

A man visited the dentist. After examining him, the dentist said:

“That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The man grabbed the dentist’s arm and screamed:

“No way! I hate needles. I’m not getting any shot!”

The dentist said:

“OK, we’ll have to go with the gas then.”

His patient replied:

“Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”

So the dentist stepped out and came back with a glass of water:

“Here,” – he said, – “take this pill.”

The man asked:

“What is it?”

The dentist replied:

“Viagra.”

The man looked surprised and asked:

“Will that kill the pain?”

“No,” – replied the dentist, – “but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Category: Computers MOUSING AROUND

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous “Microsoft Mouse” position). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Category: Simpletons VALUE ADDED

Mary was having a lot of problems selling her old car, because it had more than 200,000 miles on it. One day, she talked of her problem to a friend. Her friend told her:

“There's a way of making the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.”

“It doesn't matter,” - replied Mary, - “if only I can sell it.”

“Okay,” - said the friend. “This the address of someone who owns a car repair shop. If you tell him that I sent you, he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”

The next week Mary took her car to the repair shop. About one month later, her friend asked her:

“Did you sell your car?”

“No,” - replied Mary, - “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search

Monday, December 07, 2009

Category: Political Jokes HE HAD IT COMING

Brezhnev, former Soviet Union head of state and Party chief, loved fast American cars and at every opportunity, took the wheel from his driver and drove recklessly on the pot-holed Russian roads. Driving through a kolkhoz one day, his car hit a dog. Afraid of the owner’s reaction, Brezhnev sent his driver into the nearby peasants’ hut, to apologize about the accident and offer compensation.

After several minutes, the driver came out, with a satisfied smile on his face.

“What happened?” - Brezhnev queried. “Did you tell them?”

“I told them that I am Brezhnev’s driver and we accidentally killed the dog. For some reason they all looked very happy, laughed, slapped me on the back and offered me some vodka to drink.”

Add to Technorati Favorites Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com
Custom Search