Category: Old Age Humiliation

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said:

“Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said:

"Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said:

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said:

"I want 5 loaves."

She said:

"My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"

He replied:

"Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

DROP-IN

An old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked:

“Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” – she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she undressed in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” – he asked.

“Well,” - she replied, - “I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

The old, but still agile maid came to her much younger lady-friend, known for her promiscuity and said:

“I have a confession to make. I am 80 years old, but still a virgin. I find it unbearable to die without having been with a man at least once. If you are really a good friend, you will help me get a man. I have a few hundred dollars and I am ready to pay for his services.”

The friend was aghast:

“My dear, at your advanced age, the shock could cause you a heart attack,” - she warned.

The old lady was adamant and in the end, her confidant went out to the nearby park and asked the shabbily dressed vagrant sitting on one of the benches:

“Do you want to make a few bucks? A friend of mine is anxious to be introduced to the pleasures of the flesh.”

The tramp was only too willing, until he saw the intended object of his tryst. Only when he heard the amount he was to be paid, did he relent and take the old girl to a nearby hotel for the night. In the morning when her friend came to the hotel, she found the tramp in bed, having a luxurious breakfast, but the ancient dame was nowhere to be seen.

“You bum! What did you do with her?” – she shouted. “Is she in the hospital? Is she dead?”

“Hush, hush,” – said the man, finishing off a bottle of quality wine. “There is no need to get excited. My lady friend just went to the bank to withdraw her savings.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

BEDDING ORDER

A rich old man proposed to a young woman.

“I will marry you,” – said the woman, – “but I have three conditions:

1. Deposit 1 million dollars in my bank account.

2. Buy me a mansion in Santa Monica, with a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi.”

“Consider it done,” – said the prospective husband. “And what is your third condition?”

3. “I want to have sex every day.”

“All right. Put me down for every second Thursday.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

RIGHT, ON THE FIRST GUESS

The elderly gentleman, very proud of his youngish looks, took his morning constitutional, as usual, in the neighborhood park. When he became tired, he sat on one of the benches, already occupied by a middle-aged lady. Soon, they fell to talking first about the weather (fine), then the morals of the youth (bad). Suddenly the old gent said:

“Guess how old I am.”

“Maybe if you undressed,” – answered the woman, – “I would be able to guess your age.”

The old man took off his clothes and his companion on the bench sized him up carefully. After a while she asked:

“Turn around, please!”

The man complied and felt her scrutinizing eyes on his back, like ants walking up and down. Finally she requested him to turn to the side and after a further check-up, stated:

“You are 92 years old.”

“How did you know?” – said the oldster in amazement. “People tell me that I look much younger.”

“You told me yesterday.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

VANILLA ICE CREAM

Said the pensioner to his wife:

“I am stepping out to fetch a six-pack of beer. I shall not be long.”

“Be a dear and write yourself a note to get me a big cone of vanilla ice cream.”

“Oh, I will not forget such a simple request,” - said the husband.

“No, no,” - insisted his spouse, - “you must write it down. You know how forgetful you have become. Besides, I want it topped with some whipped cream.”

“Big deal,” - retorted the man angrily, - “one big cone of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream. That much even I am able to remember.”

He left and after a while came back carrying a box. His wife opened the box and saw that it contained a big Mac.

“You see, I told you to write it down,” - triumphed the wife, - “you forgot the French fries!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliation

FOR THE POSTERITY

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow:

"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

URGENT FAMILY BUSINESS

The wrinkled, but still sprightly old gent came to the fashionable law-firm for an appointment with a lawyer. The secretary looked through her boss’s schedule and asked:

“Would next Thursday be all right?”

“No, on Thursday I have to be at my parents’ wedding.”

“Your parents are getting married?” – the secretary was really surprised.

“They don’t really want to,” – answered the old-timer, – “but their parents insist.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

A MATTER OF TIMING

A doddering old man leaning on his cane came to the American Consulate in Tel Aviv and applied for a US visa. The clerk expressed his regrets that the immigration-quota for the Middle East was used up for the next two decades.

“It would be best Grandpa if you returned home and reapplied in about twenty years,” – he jokingly advised.

The patriarch thanked him and shuffled towards the exit. Suddenly, something occurred to him and he turned back towards the clerk:

“You forgot to tell me, at what time should I be here?”

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Category: Nouveau Riche

ONLY THE BEST WILL DO

After several miscarriages, the young tycoon’s wife finally gave birth to a healthy child. The new father was very proud and immediately started looking for the best program to ensure his future heir, his business and his fortune. The first insurance company manager introduced his program called “From Womb to Tomb” and described its various features in glowing colors.

The industry mogul was impressed, but decided to shop around a little more and see what the competition had to offer. Indeed, the competing company’s manager assured him that his company’s program is a much better one, as it takes care of the insured “From Sperm to Worm”

The young magnate was still doubtful. After all it was his child, he was paying and for his money he wanted the very best insurance program available on the market. Finally, it was the third manager who clinched the deal, as his company’s program provided the absolute ultimate in insurance “From Erection to Resurrection”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

¬ Question:

“Why did God create Eve?”

Answer:

“Adam’s right hand was getting stiff.”

¬ Question:

“Why does the promiscuous lady have a lighted candle in her navel?”

Answer:

“Her lover likes to eat by candlelight.”

¬ Question:

“Why did Elisabeth Arden?”

Answer:

“Because Max Factor.”

¬ Question:

“Do you think sex is dirty?”

Answer:

“Yes, if you do it right.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

¬ Question:

“Why does English beer remind one of having sex in a boat?”

Answer:

“It is fucking close to water.”

¬ Question:

“Why is a joke like a pussy?”

Answer:

“Neither is any fun if you don't get it.”

¬ Question:

“What is preferable to roses on your piano?”

Answer:

“Tulips on your organ.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

CURE-ALL

A young couple sat on a bench in the park. All at once the girl spoke up:

“My mouth is tingling. Maybe a kiss would help.”

The boy kissed her and the girl snuggled to his chest happily. A little later she said:

“I have a funny prickling feeling in my breasts. Would a kiss make it go away?”

The boy kissed them too and some more time passed. Then the girl said:

“Now I’ve got a bad itch between my legs. Can you do something about that too?”

Obediently the boy applied his mouth to the said part. Suddenly a voice was heard from the bushes:

“Young man, do you cure piles too?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

A REAL TREAT

The men were having a few beers in the pub. One of them suddenly said:

“You know guys, next week I am going on a business trip to Morocco.”

“Really?” - reacted one of his drinking companions. “Be sure to visit the brothel in Casablanca. They say it is the best in the world.”

A couple of weeks passed and one night our traveler appeared again at his regular table at the pub. All his buddies asked excitedly:

“Did you visit the whorehouse in Casablanca?”

“Of course I did,” - answered the man.

“And how was it?” - yelled the men. “Tell us, tell us!”

“When I rang the bell, a small window opened and I was asked by a beautiful lady in an evening dress, if I have sufficient funds. Only when I showed her my Letter of Credit from the bank, was I admitted.”

“So you were inside,” - shouted his companions. “What happened next?”

“Two beauty queens took my hat and coat and showed me to a marble bathroom, with taps made of gold and told me to undress. They bathed me in French champagne, gave me a wonderfully relaxing massage and took me into one of their luxuriously appointed bedrooms, with overhead mirrors, closed-circuit television, water-bed and all.”

“All right, so you are primed for action,” clamored the crowd. “Were there any luscious girls?”

“Several. They had me lie on those satin sheets,” - continued our man in a leisurely manner. “Then they shaved off all my body-hair, covered me with whipped cream, decorated it with Maraschino cherries and for good measure, added some Triple Sec liquor.”

His audience seemed to have lost its patience:

“Get to the point!” - they demanded. “What happened next?”

“To tell you the truth, it all looked so delicious, I licked it off myself.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

TATTOO

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked for the words “yes” and “no” to be tattooed on his penis. When the job was complete, the man thought that it looked great. That night, when he went home, he approached his wife in their bedroom, stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo. He asked his wife:

“Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?”

She answered:

“You tell me how to cook, how to clean the house, how to do the laundry and now you are going to put words in my mouth.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD

Two lice met.

“What happened to you?” - asked the first when he saw how terrible his friend looked - runny nose, red eyes and teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some motorcyclist’s mustache and nearly froze my nuts off.”

“You must be crazy to nest in a motorcyclist’s mustache. Why don’t you find yourself a warm cozy place, like between the thighs of young girl.”

After a week, the two lice met again. The other one looked even more chilled and miserable than during their first meeting.

“I did everything you said,” - he explained. “I made a perfect landing between the thighs of a young maiden and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.”

“And so?” - asked the first lice.

“And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

THE PRICE OF MEAT

A young woman entered the meat shop and inquired about the price of steaks. She was quite taken aback by the reply, but recovered quickly and beckoned to the seller:

“Would you come to the back room with me?”

When the butcher complied, she had a further request:

“Would you mind fondling my breasts just a little?”

“But Madam, what on Earth for?” – asked the surprised man.

“Look, before getting screwed, I like a little foreplay.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

EVERY AGE HAS ITS PLEASURES

During the war in Eastern Europe, there were long lines in front of every shop. Passersby always asked, what the queue was for and if they needed that particular commodity, they joined the line. In front of the county medical offices there was a line of a different kind. In those days, prostitution was legal and the ladies of the night were waiting for their monthly check-up. An elderly lady, who passed by the line, asked one of the women what they were waiting for. The hooker was ashamed to disclose their real purpose, so she said they were selling sugar inside. The old woman joined the line and waited patiently, until her turn came. When the matron with her bent back entered the clinic, one could have knocked off the astonished doctor with a feather.

“Granny, at your age!” – he exclaimed. “You don’t even have any teeth left.”

“True, but I can still suck a little.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

REAL PROFESSIONALS

Three women were sitting around having a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said:

“I call my husband the dentist - nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman giggled and said:

“I have something to confess. I call my husband the miner - he's got the most incredible shaft!”

The third woman just sipped her drink until her friend asked:

“Martha, what do you call your husband?”

She grimaced and said:

“I guess I should call him the postman.”

“Why the postman?”

“Because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

ROYALTY

The husband was looking at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. Wistfully he said:

“If it was twelve inches longer, I would be a King!”

Overhearing him, his wife retorted:

“Yeah, but if it was twelve inches shorter, you would be a queen!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes MAZEL TOV

We all know Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong’s famous statement, on stepping out of his ship on the Moon: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind!”

Recently, when the old recordings of the Moon landing were re-examined, it was discovered that immediately afterwards he added, muttering under his breath:

“Mazel tov, Abramovitz!”

When asked for the reason of this curious remark, Armstrong told journalists that he had a neighbor, who for years asked his wife to give him head, but she always replied:

“I will perform a blow-job on you when men will walk on the Moon!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

A FRUGAL TYPE

A brawny guy stood at an electronic appliance store’s window and wistfully looked at the merchandise. It was a slow day, there were no customers in sight and the storekeeper decided to liven up things a little.

“Hey you!” - he called out. “What is it that you fancy?”

“It is my wife’s birthday,” - answered the man. “I would very much like to surprise her with a new iron, but as it is, I am flat broke.”

The shopkeeper had an idea:

“I heard that you athletic types, are well-endowed in the lower parts of your body. Is it true?”

“I cannot complain,” - replied the destitute fellow.

“Then, I have a proposition for you. You see that iron there in the window? Should you manage to carry it, unaided by your hands, just on your penis, from one end of the shop to the other, it will be yours to take home to your wife.”

To the merchant’s surprise, the man performed the prescribed task easily and in a few minutes triumphantly carried the iron home. His wife was very happy with her present, but at night in bed, when she tried to show her gratitude, her husband drew away and complained of fatigue. The same scene repeated itself the next night and the night after, until one day the man found his wife crying bitterly.

“What happened, my dear?” - he inquired anxiously.

“You don’t love me anymore,” - she sniveled. - “You no longer come to me at night.”

“You don’t understand, darling. I love you dearly, but you see, I have decided to get us a refrigerator next.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

VEGETABLE SALAD

Three women stood at the vegetable stand. The first requested:

“Please give me a pound of large cucumbers.”

The second one said:

“For me, some middle-size cucumbers with rough skin. Those seem to be the tastiest.”

The third one shrugged:

“Any kind of fresh cucumbers would do for me. I just need them for a salad.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY

One late afternoon two Dutch girls rode their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam. As it turned closer to dusk, the increasing darkness started making the two girls a little nervous. One girl leant over to the other and said:

“You know, I've never come this way before.”

The other girl said:

“It's the cobblestones.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

PURE COINCIDENCE

In the late afternoon hours, a well-dressed lady came into the pub, took a seat at the bar and ordered a triple whisky. The place was almost deserted, so the bartender had time on his hands to satisfy his curiosity. As he brought her the glass, he asked:

“Excuse me for asking, but are you celebrating anything? I mean, it is not every day that a lone lady walks onto the premises and orders a whisky and a triple one at that.”

“Indeed, it is a special occasion and I don’t mind telling you about it,” - replied the woman. “For many years I have been trying to get pregnant and have had no success. I am just returning from my gynecologist who told me that I am pregnant at last.”

The barman congratulated his customer and went back to his work. Not long afterwards a man looking like a farmer, came into the pub, found a place at the bar and ordered a large whisky. The bartender, being a curious man, asked the farmer, if he is celebrating anything.

“Of course I am,” - replied the man. “I make my living from a chicken-farm and during the last year the damn hen would not lay eggs, at least not as many, as they used to.”

“So what did you do?” - asked the bartender again.

“The obvious,” - came the reply. “Changed cocks.”

“What a coincidence!” - muttered the lone woman to herself.

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