Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Category: Misers

HEAVY SPENDER

Two men were talking at the office water-cooler. One said complainingly:

“My wife is always nagging me about money. A week ago she asked for 100 dollars, two days later for 200, the day-before-yesterday for 300 and this morning for 500 dollars.”

“What is she doing with so much money?” – asked the other wonderingly.

“How would I know? I never gave her a penny.”

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

FAMILIAR WITH THE TYPE

An elderly couple was driving cross-country and the woman was driving. She got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said:

“Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

“What did he say?”

The old man yelled:

“HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

The patrolman said:

“May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

“What did he say?”

The old man yelled:

“HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”

The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said:

“I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex I have ever had.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

“What did he say?”

“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” – the old man yelled.

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Monday, June 28, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

A THOUGHTFUL PERSON

The wife welcomed her husband triumphantly:

“I managed to get you some excellent medication against hair-loss, my dear.”

“But sweetie, my hair isn’t falling out.”

“It’s not for you, but for that blonde floozy whose hair I have to brush off your jacket every day.”

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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

LIVING ON A PITTANCE

A young man asked his girlfriend to marry him. As the man had no work, nor did he have a profession, the prospective bride asked:

“Tell me, if I do become your wife, what will we live on?”

“On love,” – answered the bridegroom to be, only half in jest.

She must have loved him very much, because she married him anyway. Some days after their wedding, the husband came home and saw his wife, stark naked, sitting on the kitchen stove.

“For Heavens’ sake,” – asked the astonished man, – “what are you doing?”

“Warming our dinner.”

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

PERFECT MATCH

A woman was having an affair with her husband’s best friend. One afternoon, when the husband was at his office, they met at her apartment. Just when they relaxed following a steamy session, the phone rang. The wife picked up the phone and after a short conversation, put it back in its cradle and started laughing.

“It was my husband,” – she giggled.

“And what is so funny about that?” – asked her lover.

“He said, that he is playing tennis with you.”

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Friday, June 25, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

FALSE SECURITY

The young woman sported a huge shiner when she came to work Monday morning.

“Who gave you that black eye?” - sympathized her colleagues.

“My husband.”

“But he was away for a week.”

“That’s what I thought too.”

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss YES, DEAR

The husband looked up from his newspaper:

“Did you say anything sweetie?”

“I did, but that was yesterday.”

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

FLIP-FLOP

“My husband flips a coin every night, so he can decide whether to go to the pub, or not. If it comes up heads, he goes.”

“And if it comes up tails?”

“Then he flips it again.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

FAIRY TALES

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

“Mommy,” – asked the child, – “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon a Time...?’”

“No, dearest,” - replied the mother, – “sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . .’”

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Monday, June 21, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

THIEF IN THE HOUSE

A fella was saying to his friend:

“My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to guard them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!”

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

NOTHING TO WEAR

Tom came home early from work and found his wife walking about stark naked in the room.

“Why are you naked?”

“Why, why, because I’ve got nothing to wear.”

Tom went angrily to the wardrobe, opened it and started counting:

“Nothing to wear? Look, this is a dress, this is a dress, Hi John, this is a dress …”

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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

REST AREA

Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door neighbor.

“Since you are in bed with my wife,” – the furious man shouted, – “I'm going over and sleep with yours!”

“Go right ahead,” – was the reply. “The rest will do you good.”

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Friday, June 18, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

HOME, SWEET HOME

John was quite drunk when he at last managed to drag himself out of the pub. Taking his first steps on the dark street, he lurched against a corpulent female. The woman reacted angrily to this sudden onslaught and slapped him mightily. John looked around wonderingly:

“This time I made it home real quick.”

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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

CONSIDERATE FELLOW

Jones accompanied Smith to the railway station. Smith said his farewells:

“Thank you for everything, I had a wonderful weekend, your wife was very sweet, we had some heavenly fucks.”

As the train departed, his neighbor in the compartment asked Smith:

“I beg your pardon, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. Did you actually thank your friend for having had good sex with his wife?”

“To tell you the unvarnished, absolute truth, it wasn’t good at all. But Jones is such a touchy fellow, I didn’t want to offend him.”

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

THE EXCEPTION

“You know, it’s very difficult to find a suitable wife. There are quite a few willing girls, but my mother doesn’t like any of them.”

“None of them?”

“Except for one girl. She liked her very much, because she looked exactly like her.”

“So why didn’t you marry her?”

“My father hated her looks.”

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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

IT'S YOU THEY WANT

In the middle of night a knock was heard on the door of a luxurious villa. The master-of-the-house went sleepily to the door and asked:

“Who is it?”

“It is the Boston Strangler,” – said a hoarse voice from outside. The man turned back to the bedroom:

“Sweetheart, it’s you they are looking for.”

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Monday, June 14, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

SUSPICIOUS SPOUSE

“Municipality,” – said the receptionist on the phone and when nobody answered, once again: “Municipality.”

After the third repetition the hesitant voice of a woman was heard:

“Is this really the Municipality?”

“Of course. To whom do you wish to speak?”

“To no one in particular. I found this number in my husband’s pocket and just wanted to find out whose phone number it is.”

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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Category: Marital Bliss

MASTER OF THE HOUSE

A woman, proud of the way her husband fulfills her every wish, invited her best friend to her house, for a demonstration.

As soon as the two were seated, she called out:

“Honey, would you bring Betty and me some coffee and biscuits.”

Without a word, her husband laid down his paper, shuffled out into the kitchen and a few minutes later came back, carrying a tray with refreshments. But his wife had additional instructions for him:

“Be a dear and take the dog out for a walk. You know that you both need the exercise. At the same opportunity, you could also carry out the garbage and check if there is anything in our mailbox.”

Silently, the well-trained man carried out his assignments. When at last he returned and was about to resume his reading, his spouse played her trump card and commanded:

“Now go and sit under the table.”

Obediently, her husband got down on fours and crawled to his assigned position.

Acknowledging her friend’s admiring glance, the woman at last relented and in a pacifying tone told her mate:

“You may come out again, sweetheart!”

But the man did not budge.

“What is the matter with you Max?” - wondered his sidekick. “Why don’t you come out?”

Proudly the man responded from his perch under the table:

“I want to show you once and for all who is the master of the house!”

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Category: Male Chauvinists

TALL STORY

A cruise-ship in the Caribbean had sunk and the only survivors, who managed to reach an uninhabited island, were Sharon Stone and an uncouth sailor. The place was a paradise, the weather uniformly pleasant, there was plenty of fruit, but nothing much to do. In spite of the differences between them, after a while they just naturally settled down to a regular routine of sex.

After about a week, the sailor asked Sharon to wear his clothes. The actress agreed. After another week he asked her to paint herself a mustache and beard with some soot. To Sharon the request seemed a little queer, but again she agreed. After one more week the sailor asked Sharon if from now on he can call her Joe. When she complied with her mate’s request, the sailor put his hand around her shoulder, took her aside and whispered into her ear:

Joe, you are not going to believe this, but for three weeks running now I’ve been fucking Sharon Stone.”

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Category: Male Chauvinsits

INSATIABLE

The young and horny construction worker was busy at his job, but not that busy that he did not notice the scantily dressed stunner passing. In fact, he got so excited by her half-hidden, half-revealed beauties that he had to jack off right there. After a while the dreamboat passed by again. The worker could not restrain himself and jerked off again. A few minutes later, the knockout appeared on the street again and the man on the scaffolding masturbated once more. Not a half-an-hour had passed and there she was again. This was a little too much for our guy:

“Is she a nymphomaniac,” – he wondered, – “or what?”

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Category: Loonies

NO FOOL IS HE

On a highway located near a hospital for the insane, a car had a flat tire. One of the inmates came to the fence and watched the driver, attempting to unlock the screws of the tire - to no avail.

“Try unscrewing them anti-clockwise,” – he suggested.

The motorist acted on his advice and indeed, the screws opened easily.

“How did you know?” – wondered the driver.

“Look sir, I may be crazy, but I am no fool!”

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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Category: Lawyers

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

At a conference, a US lawyer befriended a Czech colleague and invited him to the States. The Czech’s visit started with some of the more famous sights and during the weekend the American took him to the Rocky Mountains. The two lawyers hiked all day and in the evening, after barbecuing some sausages at the campfire, crawled into their sleeping bags and fell into an exhausted sleep. At night, drawn by the lingering smell of their meal, a bear came investigating and as he did not find any sausages, he ate the Czech. His host woke up at the very last moment and saved his own life by climbing a nearby tree. He spent most of the night in the tree, waiting until the bear finally lumbered off. Panic-stricken, the American ran through the forest, until he encountered a ranger and told him his story. Together, they followed the bear’s tracks, which led them to a cave. Awakened by the human voices, out came two huge bears.

“Which one ate your friend, the female, or the male?” - asked the ranger.

The lawyer hesitated and then pointed at the male. The ranger shot the bear and let his mate run away. They cut open the animal’s belly, but found no traces of human remains. Which just shows you that if ever a lawyer tells you that the Czech is in the male, don’t believe him.

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Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Category: Indians

JOHN WAYNE

An Indian from the nearby reservation came to the trading post for his monthly shopping. When he inquired what kind of toilet paper they have, the trader answered that they stock three different kinds:

“The best quality is called 'Plushy Velvet' and it costs $15 per package.”

“That is too expensive for me,” - said the Indian.

“Maybe you prefer our medium quality 'Silky Soft' at $12?”

“Don’t you have anything cheaper?”

“Then take this package which costs only $10.”

“What is its name?” - asked the Indian.

“It has no name,” - replied the merchant.

After a few weeks the Indian returned to the trading post.

“By the way,” - he remarked while looking through the merchandise, - “I found a name for your cheap toilet paper. I would call it John Wayne.”

“What a funny idea,” - wondered the trader. “Why John Wayne?”

“It is rough, tough and takes no shit from Indians.”

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Sunday, June 06, 2010

Category: In the Middle East

APPEARANCES MISLEAD

Tel Aviv doesn’t have a Mètro, but it does have underground toilets, whose entrances somewhat resemble the Mètro entrance in Paris. A French tourist visiting Israel, was wondering about one of these entrances and asked a guy just coming up the stairs:

Mètro?”

“No, only half a Mètro,” - answered the man morosely and zipped his fly.

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Saturday, June 05, 2010

Category: In the Middle East

NOMEN EST OMEN (The European version)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stopped them and told them:

"It's a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" - asked the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" - replied the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", - the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", - replied the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea peopleina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law".

The German driver replied angrily:

"You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", - responded the Italian official, - "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

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