Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

HOLIDAY RUSE

Morris called his son in New York and said:

Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama.”

The son was shocked and asked his father to tell him what happened.

“I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm taking the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder*. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore.”

Half an hour later Morris received a call from his daughter who told him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the phone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there.”

Morris promised. After hanging up, Morris turned to his wife and said:

“Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah...**”

* The feast celebrated on the first two nights of Passover.

** Rosh Hashanah = the Jewish New Year

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

UTTER RUBBISH

Two Japanese businessmen met in London:

“Kimoshito, your wife Itsiko is having an affair with a Jewish man.”

Kimoshito took the first plane back to Tokyo and confronted his wife:

“Itsiko is this true?”

Itsiko replied:

“Kimoshito-san, who is the meshuga who has been telling you all this?”

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

CARDINAL JACK

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” - said one of the Cardinals, - “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews, or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” - said the Cardinal, - “we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can't lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match:

“I came in second, your Holiness,” - said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” - exclaimed the surprised Pope. - “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” - said Nicklaus, - “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.”

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

“Can I help you?”- the madam asked.

“I want Natalie,” - the old man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...”

“No, I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

“No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The old man replied:

“I am from Minsk.”

“Really?” - replied Natalie, - “I have a sister who lives there.”

“Yes, I know,” - said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to give to you.”

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

NO JEWISH JOKES PLEASE

One morning Katz came into the office and as soon as he was seated at his table, said:

“Listen guys, I heard a terrific new joke.”

“Not again! We are fed-up with those Jewish jokes,” - groaned his fellow-workers.

“Oh no, this is not a Jewish joke, it is a Japanese one,” - answered Katz.

“A Japanese? We never heard a Japanese joke. Let’s hear it.”

“Two Japanese traveled on a train from Osaka to Tokyo. Suddenly one of them said: ‘Listen, Moishe...!’”

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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

MARY AND THE HOTEL CLERK

Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:

“I’m sorry Madam, there’s no room. The hotel is full.”

The Jewish lady said:

“But your sign says that you have vacancies.”

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:

“You know that we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try the other side of town...”

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:

“I'll have you know that I converted to your religion.”

The desk clerk said:

“Oh, yeah, then let me give you a little test: How was Jesus born?”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

“He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”

“Very good,” - replied the hotel clerk, - “tell me more.”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

“He was born in a manger.”

“That's right,” - said the hotel clerk - “and why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:

“Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

FLUCTUATIONS

A Chinese lady on holiday in London went to the bank to change some Hong Kong Dollars into pounds. She asked what the exchange rate was and the teller said:

“HK$12.50 for 1.”

She went ahead and changed some money. The next day she needed some more pounds and went back to the bank. This time the teller said:

“HK$12.80 for 1.”

The Chinese lady wondered:

“What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and today it's $12.80?”

The snotty British teller said:

“Fluctuations Madame.”

The Chinese lady replied:

“Well, fuck you caucasions too!”

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

NO DISCRIMINATION

On the school bus the white and black children were constantly fighting among themselves.

“Enough of that!” - shouted the exasperated teacher. He had the driver stop the bus, told the children to get out and form a line at the roadside.

“From now on,” - announced the teacher - “there will be no whites and blacks. From now on everybody will be blue. Understood? All right, get on the bus, presto, first the bright-blues and then the dark-blues.

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH DOG

A Jew named Hirsch lived alone in the outskirts of the small town with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Hirsch went to the rabbi and asked:

“Rabbi, my darling dog, who for the last 15 years has been my only companion and who was such a comfort to me in my loneliness, has passed away. Could I bury be him in the Hirsch family plot in cemetery?”

The rabbi replied:

“No, we cannot bury the creature in our cemetery, but I know the minister of the church down the road, maybe he'll able to do something for the animal.”

Hirsch said:

“I'll go there right now. Do you think a donation $50,000 would reward him for his help?”

The rabbi asked:

“Why didn't you tell me the dog was Jewish?”

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

SPEAKING PART

A Jewish boy came home from school and told his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,” - said the mother. “What part is it?”

“I play the part of the Jewish husband!”

The mother scowled and said:

“Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!”

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

HAT TRICK

A rabbi was walking slowly out of a synagogue in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane and wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile saw what was happening, rushed over, grabbed the hat and returned it to the rabbi.

“I don't think I could have retrieved my hat.” - said the rabbi. “Thank you very much!”

Then he placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said:

“May God bless you.”

The young man thought to himself:

“I've been blessed by a rabbi, this must be my lucky day!”

He decided to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first as well. At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he returned the rabbi's hat and how he blessed him and how he then went to the track and bet on horses, which were named after hats,.

“So where's the money?” - she said.

“I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.”

“You fool! Chateau means house in French, Chapeau is a hat.”

“It doesn't matter,” - he said. “The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke.

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

THOSE YANKEES

The management of the Polish Airline decided to start flying to a new airport on the West Coast of the United States. For the first flight they sent the Pilot and Copilot, with an otherwise empty aircraft, so they could learn the layout of the airport. As the First Officer prepared to land the airplane, the Captain warned him:

“I have been told that the runway at this airport is shorter than average, so as soon as we touch down, start applying strong pressure to the brakes.”

Indeed, on landing, the First Officer - watched by the Captain - operated the thrust reverses, leaned with all his might on the brakes and even then, barely managed to stop the heavy airplane from running off the end of the runway. He wiped his sweaty forehead and sighed:

“Those bloody Americans, you would think that by now they would have learned how to construct an airport. Look at its length, barely sufficient to land an airplane and look at its width, you can hardly see the end of it!”

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

DEVOLUTION

A scientist invented the invention of the century: A machine for raising IQ’s. The treatment was simple enough. An electrode was attached to each of the patient’s temples; the machine was switched on and after 15 minutes, the subject’s IQ increased by about 20%. The news of the invention got around, as everyone wanted to become more intelligent and soon lines were forming outside the scientist’s lab.

Long hours and the tediousness of the process took their toll and one day, just as he was attaching the electrodes to a black man’s temples; the scientist was called away for an urgent phone-call. In his hurry, he attached the electrodes in reverse, so that instead of raising the IQ, they lowered it. Just as he finished his phone-conversation, he realized his mistake, hurried back to the treatment-room, removed the electrodes and anxiously inquired of his patient:

“How you are, Sir?”

“Dobrze” (good in Polish) - answered the black man.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH (GRAND)MOTHER

A young mother asked her mother to take her child to the beach and beseeched her to take good care of him. She need not have worried. The grandmother kept her charge almost within arm’s reach and did not let him out of sight. Suddenly a big wave came out of the sea and before anything could be done, the boy was swept away. The stricken grandmother fell to her knees and with tears in her eyes shouted towards the sky:

“Almighty God, how could you have done such a cruel deed to me? To me Sarah, the most pious woman in the community, who never yet missed a prayer-service at the synagogue, who always gave money to the paupers, who never cheated at cards.”

Just as she finished speaking, another huge wave swept in and set the missing child at his grandmother’s feet.

“Thank you Dear Lord,” –- said the grateful woman, – “but what about the cap the boy had on his head?”

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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

MATING URGE

At the Warsaw zoo, the male gorilla passed away. His mate lost all interest in life, stopped eating, sat dejectedly all day in a corner, visibly pining away for lack of love. Telexes were sent to all the zoos in the world, but the search for a replacement was to no avail. In the end a member of the management suggested advertising in the local newspapers. The following ad was published:

“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”

Only one reply was received: The letter read:

“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:

1. I don't want to have to kiss her.

2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

3. I can only afford to pay $150.”

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Monday, November 15, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER

In the old Russia they used to abduct young Jewish boys and forcibly conscript them into the Army. Many of these boys were never heard of again although some managed - after a few years - to return to their families. One of the boys, who completely lost contact with his family, eventually became a general and one day, when the Army held maneuvers near his birthplace, decided to see if any of his folks were still around. There was a lot of excitement in the town. After all, it was not everyday that a Jewish boy from a small village became a general and paid a visit in town. A big dinner was held in his honor with the general seated at the head of the table, next to the rabbi. The poor man was at a loss for words with such an important person and in the end started with the subject closest to him, religion.

“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”

“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.

The rabbi pressed on:

“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”

“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”

“But did you eat kosher food?”

“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”

The rabbi was getting desperate:

“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”

The general was ready with his reply:

“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”

The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:

“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”

“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier

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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

ENNUI

The English lord was showing his French acquaintance around his estate.

“This here is my golf course.”

“And how often do you play?”

“I tried it once, but found that it was boring.”

They went on.

“These are my stables.”

“Do you ride a lot?”

“Once I took one of my horses for a ride, but found that it was quite boring.”

They went on and encountered a young boy.

“This is my son.”

“I guess that it’s your only child.”

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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

IS IT SO LATE?

Hershl had been living in Paris for nearly a year and was very proud of the French phrases he had picked up. One day, he decided to test his knowledge and on the Mètro, asked a Frenchman:

“Quelle heure est il?”

In a typical Parisienne way the man uttered:

“Je ne sais pas”.

This unexpected reply found Hershl out of his depth:

“Is it that late?” – he said.

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Friday, November 12, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

DEPENDS ON YOUR VIEWPOINT

A man fancied the Polish peasant’s beautiful, young spouse, but did not know how to achieve his purpose, as the husband guarded his wife jealously and did not let her out of his eyesight. One night he was awakened from deep sleep by a knock on the window of his cottage.

“Janek, look out! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Thoroughly shocked, Janek sat up in his bed and looked to the pillow next to him. His lady was right there, sleeping soundly.

“Silly joker,” - grumbled Janek to himself and drifted off again. After a while, another knock came and a voice called again:

“Watch it, Janek! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Janek looked again and again there was nobody else in their marital bed.

After the third knock on his window, Janek got really mad, put on his pants, opened the door and walked around the cottage, to see who was at the back window, disturbing his sleep. That was the opportunity the secret admirer was waiting for. As soon as Janek left the room, he slipped through the door and got into bed, next to Janek’s wife.

When Janek reached the back window he obviously did not find anyone there. He started to return to the room, when he happened to look through the window and saw the stranger in bed next to his wife. He scratched his head and said wonderingly:

“From the outside it certainly looks that way!”

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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

WHO IS MINDING THE STORE?

The family was all assembled around the bedside of a dying old Jew. With his eyes closed, his voice feeble, the patriarch asked:

“Is Sara here?”

“Yes, my dear,” - answered his faithful wife. “I am here by your side.”

“And is Abraham here?”

“Yes, Papa,”

“Are Reuven, Tamar and Rivka and little Moses nearby?”

“Yes, Papa, we are,” - replied the children in unison.

Abruptly the old man sat up and with his stern eyes wide open, looked at his loved ones:

“If everybody is here,” - he shouted - “then who the hell is minding the store?”

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

ACCURATE DESCRIPTION

A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:

“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”

John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.

John who?”

The two shrugged:

“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”

“So maybe you can tell me his address?”

Another shrug.

“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”

The sergeant tried another track:

“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”

“We don’t know. We never asked.”

Now the policeman became really exasperated.

“Is there anything you do know?”

The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:

“We know that John had two schmucks.”

“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.

“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:

“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”

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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

A HARDENED CRIMINAL

A Ukrainian accused of murder and armed robbery was brought before an investigating judge. As he didn’t speak English, the court appointed an interpreter for him. A transcript from the investigation:

Judge: “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Interpreter: (in Ukrainian) “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Accused: “Yes, I do.”

Interpreter: “Yes, I do.”

Judge: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Interpreter: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Accused: “That is my secret.”

Interpreter: “That is my secret.”

Judge: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Interpreter: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Accused: “I buried it in the church yard.”

Interpreter: “I prefer to die.”

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Monday, November 08, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE

The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.

“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.

“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.

“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.

“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.

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Sunday, November 07, 2010

Category: Ethnic Jokes

TOTAL REJECTION

On a train, during their tour abroad, the Greens shared a compartment with an Englishman. Mrs. Green became hungry and her husband unpacked their lunch. Before they began eating, he politely offered some food to the Englishman:

“A piece of baked chicken?”

“No, thank you,” - shook the Englishman his head.

“Then maybe some biscuits.”

“No, thank you.”

“And how about a glass of red wine?”

Mrs. Green frowned in disapproval and whispered to her husband:

Eugene, you know how these English are. He probably refused, because you didn’t introduce me to him.”

“My wife,” – indicated Mr. Green his wife.

But the Englishman was adamant:

“No, thank you.”

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Saturday, November 06, 2010

Category: Ethnic Stories

THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL

You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:

The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:

“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”

At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.

“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.

“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”

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