Category: Ecumenical Stories

MONASTERY OF SILENCE

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest who received her, said:

"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her:
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said:
"Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," – the priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, the priest called Sister Mary Katherine:
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," – said Sister Mary Katherine and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.
"You may say two words today."
" I quit," – said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," – said the priest, – "you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

HEAVEN

A woman died and went to heaven. While waiting in line, she heard this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbed her somewhat, so she tracked down St. Peter to find out what is going on.
"Oh that" – he said, – "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."
The woman was still a bit upset by this and was pondering her position when the screaming started again. This time it was louder and more blood curdling than before. She called St. Peter again to find out what is happening to the woman now.
"Oh that" – he said, – "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."
The woman decided that she wants out and told St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.
"Are you sure you want to go there?" – he said. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse."
"That's okay" – said the woman. "I already have the holes for that."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

PSALMS

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said:
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said:
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized:
"Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said:
"Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

ORDINATION

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring ....

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE PRIEST AND THE CHICKEN

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chicken he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he knew cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation:

“Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't either what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them.”
Half the women stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that again wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

HATE

Shlomo Birnbaum was crossing the street in Miami when he was hit by a bus and knocked unconscious. A Catholic Priest arrived about the same time the paramedics got there. Not knowing his religion, the Priest administered the last rites. Shlomo started to flutter his eyes and soon he was fully awake. The Priest told him about the last rites. Shlomo said:

"Well, I am Jewish but what you did couldn't hurt."
He couldn't wait to get home to tell his family about his experience. When he got there he said to his wife:
"Sadie, you won't believe what happened to your husband today."
She said:
"I don't have time. I am late for a Hadassah meeting. Your T.V. dinner is in the oven. See you later."
Shlomo then went to his daughter's room and said:
"Darling, you should hear what happened to your father today."
She said, "Daddy, I am on the phone with a friend planning a wedding shower. Please close the door."
Shlomo then went to look for his son.
"Son, let me tell you what happened today."
The son said:
"Dad, I am late for a date. I need the car and $100."
So Shlomo went into the other room, shook his head and thought:
"Here I am, a gentile for only two hours and already I hate three Jews."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

CHOICE

A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. An attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails.

“Yes,” – the rabbi said. “I'd like a manhattan, please.”
“No thank you,” – the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate. “As a priest, I can't drink, or fornicate.”
“Wait a second,” – the rabbi said, standing and waving to the flight attendant. “I didn't know I had a choice.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

HYMNS

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said:
“I’ll take him and him and him.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

PLASTIC SURGERY

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. During that experience she saw God and asked him if that was it. God said no and explained that she had another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery, she decided to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of them.

She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. Upon arriving in front of God she complained:
“I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replied apologetically:
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

WELL, I'LL BE ...

A man, reeking of alcohol, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

“Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”
The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior, snapped:
“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man!”
“Well, I’ll be,” – the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:
“I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

SISTERS OF MERCY
A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without second thought. Soon, he saw another sign which said:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Suddenly, he began to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drove past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked:
“What may we do for you, my son?”
He answered:
“I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
He was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man:
“Please knock on this door.”
He did as he was told and it was answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructed:
“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”
He got $50 out of his wallet, placed it in the nun’s cup, trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

 

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

EXACT QUOTE

The archbishop was forewarned about the muckraking English journalists. So when he landed at Heathrow airport and one of the press representatives shot him a provocative question, he gave the most non-committed answer, as possible. The question was:

“What is Your Eminence’s opinion of the night life in London?”
The archbishop replied:
“Is there any night life in London?”
The next day the headlines in some of the tabloids were:
ARCHBISHOP VISITS BRITAIN. HIS FIRST QUESTION:
IS THERE NIGHTLIFE IN LONDON?

 

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FACETIOUS

During a seminar break on a very hot day, a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied:

“I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE PRIEST AND THE RABBI

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked:

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded:
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked:
"Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied:
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest:
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied:
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him:
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied:
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said:
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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Category: Ecumenical Jokes

THE SECRET

Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome went to the Vatican and presented an ancient, by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspected the envelope, shook his head and handed it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departed. This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to in turn by his predecessor...but then the Pope said:

“This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?”
“Damned if I know,” – answered the Chief Rabbi. “I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out.”
“Good idea,” – said the Pope.
So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

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Category: Drinking Problem

BOOZER'S LOGIC

 A drunk walked into a pub and said to the bartender:

“Buy everyone in the house a drink and pour yourself one.”
The bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.00. The drunk said:
“Sorry, but I haven't got it.”
The bartender slapped the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walked into the pub and once again said:
“Buy everyone in the house a drink and pour one for yourself.”
The bartender figured to himself that the man can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $37.00. The drunk said:
“I haven't got it.”
The bartender picked the guy up, gave him the hiding of his life and threw him out into the street. The next day the same drunk came back into the same pub and said:
“Buy everyone in the house a drink.”
In disgust the bartender said:
“What, no drink for me this time?”
The drunk replied:
“No, you get violent when you drink.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

EMERGENCY

The veterinarian had an exhausting day, but when he finally got home from tending to all those sick animals, his wife received him with a cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went to bed. At about 3:00 o’clock in the morning, the phone rang.
“Is this the vet?” – asked an elderly lady's voice.
“Yes, it is”, – replied the vet, “Is it an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, – said the lady, – “some cats on my roof are making a terrible noise mating and I can't sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a half-minute pause, after which the vet patiently replied:
“Open the window and tell them that they have a phone call.”
“And will that stop them?” – asked the elderly lady?”
“It should,” – said the vet. “IT STOPPED ME!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

A MATTER OF HYGIENE

A European tourist visiting the US walked into a drugstore. He looked around, then asked:
“Excuse me, do you make feces and urine analyses?”
“Yes Sir, of course we do.”
“Then please, scrub your hands and prepare a ham and lettuce sandwich for me.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

SURGEONS

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first said:
“Accountants are the best to operate on, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second surgeon said:
“Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The third responded:
“Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The fourth interceded:
“I like mechanics... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, said:
“You’re all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There are no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and arse are interchangeable.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

BIG EYE

In the prime of her career the world famous painter started losing her eyesight. Desperate, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: The doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor:
'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
The eye doctor responded:
“I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.“

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Category: Doctors and Patients

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

A woman came to the gynecologist with a complaint:
“I have been trying to become pregnant for more than ten years, but I have not succeeded.”
The physician gave the woman a thorough medical check-up and found absolutely nothing wrong with her.
“Excuse me” - he said finally - “but how does your husband perform the sexual act?”
“Always from behind,” - answered the patient.
“Then if you truly want to have children, tell him to assume the frontal position.”
“Then how shall I be able to watch TV?” - complained the woman.

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Category: Doctors and Patients

MUTUAL TRUST

The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won't hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
“Miss,” – he said in a barely audible whisper, – “you have got hold of my testicles!”
“Yes doc, I know,” – she smiled sweetly – “and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

REAL PROFESSIONALS

One night a man and a woman were both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They started talking and came to realize that they were both doctors. After about an hour, the man said to the woman:
“Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”
The woman doctor agreed. They went back to her place and she took the man to the bedroom. She went to the bathroom and started scrubbing up like she was about to go into the operating room. She scrubbed for a good ten minutes. Finally she returned to the bedroom and they had sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man said to the woman:
“You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
The man said:
“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” - said the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” - said the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?”
“The woman answered:
“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

LAST WORDS

An elderly man became very ill and a priest was called out to administer the last sacrament. All the family assembled around the bed, but before the priest could utter a word, the sick man suddenly started to rattle and using sign language asked to be given some paper and a writing utensil. The priest gave him a block of paper and a pen, the man with great effort scribbled something on it and visibly suffering, expired. Reverently, the priest put the paper into an envelope and sealed it. At the funeral, after a touching eulogy praising the virtues of the deceased, the priest said:
“Dear mourners! During his last moments our brother wrote down a few lines, which I would like to read to you now.”
He opened the envelope and started reading:
“Father! You are standing on my oxygen bottle hose!”

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Category: C'est la Vie

STATUES

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," - he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," - said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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