Monday, October 31, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations 

SPEED LIMIT

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said:
“Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What’s the problem?”
“Ma’am,”– the officer replied, – “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? I’m following the posted speed exactly!”
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, the officer asked:
“Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Category: Nouveau Riche 
MAGNANIMOUS SOUL
"One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked:
“And what about the three wishes?”
Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered:
“All right, you may wish something.”
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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF ONES

 During the Holiday Season, a man bought his girlfriend a pair of stockings. On one stocking he inscribed “Merry Christmas!”, on the other “Happy New Year!” and on the attached greeting card he wrote: “See you between the two holidays.”
 There is a new pill that cures both impotence and constipation. It will be marketed under the name: “Easy Come, Easy Go.”
 While in London, a Scotsman asked a prostitute who accosted him what her going rate was. On hearing her reply, the stupefied man exclaimed:
“But Baby, I don’t want to buy it, just use it for a while.”


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Friday, October 28, 2011

Category: Naughty Jokes

QUESTION AND ANSWER

 Question:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Answer:
“How do you breathe through that thing?

 Question:
“What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?”
Answer:
“A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you”

 Question:
“What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?”
Answer:
“By the time you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.”

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Category: Naughty Jokes

OOPS

A guy checked into a hotel on a trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Cleopatra, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair and long graceful legs all the way up to her, well you know the kind.
So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, he'll give her a call.
"Hello?" - the woman said. Ohhhh, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking about, kinky the whole night long. You name it we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She said:
"That sounds fantastic .... but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Category: Naugthy Jokes 

CROSSWORD-PUZZLE

„What is it: ‘female genital organ, five letters’?”
„Across, or down?”
„Across.”
„Mouth.”

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Monday, October 24, 2011

Category: Naughty Jokes

BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.


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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Category: Mother-In-Law

SELLER'S MARKET

One of Green’s horses kicked his mother-in-law and the old lady died of her injuries. Many people came to her funeral, even from the surrounding villages.
“What a crowd!” - wondered Green’s friend, - “was your mother-in-law so well loved?”
“Hell, no, they just want to buy the horse.”
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Category: Mothers

BAD CONNECTION

As part of her studies at the University, Rachel made a study-trip to Africa.
Upon arrival, she called her mother in Brooklyn to tell her that she had arrived safely and everything was fine.
The lines were bad, but she managed to get through, had her say and in exchange got some motherly advice, which ended with something like:
“.... and get yourself a nice ..itch... doctor!”
Rachel was an obedient girl and whenever possible followed her mother’s advice. Following a month’s stay, her airplane landed at Kennedy airport. Accompanying the girl down the gangway right on her heels, was a 6 ft tall black man, wearing a grass shirt, with a tiger pelt over his shoulders, his scarred face painted white, a bone in his nose and a big spear in his hand. The aghast mother took her daughter aside and whispered:
“Rachel, my dear, who is this scarecrow?”
“This is my husband, the witch doctor you told me to get.”
“What I told you was to get a rich doctor!”
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Friday, October 21, 2011

Category: Mothers

CLOSED CIRCUIT

“My son swallows castor-oil like soda-pop,” – boasted a proud mother to her neighbor.
“Does he love it as much?”
“He hates it. But he gets a penny after every spoonful.”
“And what does he do with so much money?” – asked the neighbor wonderingly.
“He puts it in his saving-box and when it is full, we buy more castor-oil.”
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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Category: Modern Fables


TOUGH LUCK

A guy got home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice told him:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”
The man was disturbed by what he heard, but ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice told him:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man heard the same voice when he got home from work:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”
Each time he heard the voice, he became more upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, took his money and headed to Las Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane, the voice told him:
“Go to Harrah's.”
So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice told him:
“Go to the roulette table.”
The man did as he was told. When he got to the roulette table, the voice told him:
“Put all your money on 17.”
Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put it all on number 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man watched the ball anxiously as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number ...21. The voice said:
“Shit.....”

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Category: Misers

A KIND SPIRIT
The old man was on his deathbed, when the wonderful smell of a freshly baked cake reached his nostrils.
“Honey, could I have a piece of cake?” – he called out to his wife. “I would like to pass away, with the taste of something good on my lips.”
“No, you cannot. This cake is for the wake.”
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

BRIEF ONES

 Question:
“Does your husband exercise regularly?”
Answer:
“Yes, last week he was out seven nights running.”
 Question:
“What is common between you and your husband?”
Answer:
“We married the same day.”
 Question:
“Why do you call your husband Henry?”
Answer:
“Because he is the eighth.”
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Monday, October 17, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss 

ORGASM
It is said that women have four types of orgasm:
Positive ones, when they scream: “Oh, yes!”
Negative ones, when they shout: “Oh, no!”
Divine ones, when they exclaim: “Oh, God!”
Fake ones: With their husbands.

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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

KITCHEN SEX

Sarah was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Bert walked in. Sara said:
"I want to make love to you right now."
His eyes lighted up and he thought:
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, Bert gave it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards Sarah said: "Thanks!" - and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, Bert asked:
"What was that all about?"
Sarah explained:
"The egg timer's broken."
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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

MOISHE
A man walked into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "See-- There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It could have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?”
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.
Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
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Friday, October 14, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

ALL-IN-ONE

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" - I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," - he replied. "You'd never get it all in one

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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

CURSE

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said:
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man said without hesitation:
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss


INSOMNIA

"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," - said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," - said Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded:
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied:
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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Monday, October 10, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss
PUTTINGS BACK IN ORDER

Mary and Joe drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. Joe told Mary to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. Mary returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, Mary dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband Joe who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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Sunday, October 09, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

A REAL SWITCH

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender:
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
“Oh, yeah?" - said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," - Mike replied, - "she came to me on her hands and knees.”
"Really?" - said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said:
"Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".
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Saturday, October 08, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

John asked his wife Mary what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" - he asksed.
"Not really," - said Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" – said John.
"No," - she responded.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" - he suggested.
She again rejected his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" - John asked.
"John, I'd like a divorce," - answered Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.
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Friday, October 07, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

GOLFING ACCIDENT

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:
"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

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Thursday, October 06, 2011

Category: Marital Bliss

ANYTHING YOU WANT

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
“Tie me up," - she purred, - "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.

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