Category: Blondes

BLONDE CALLER

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5 of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

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Category: Blondes

ICE FISHING

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said:
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied:
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

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Category: Blondes

HEALTH RISK

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"

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Category: Blondes

BLONDE MOTORIST

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked:
"Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," - answered the blonde, - "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is that I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," - said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" - he demanded. ”I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," - said the blonde, - "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

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Category: Blondes

THE NOT SO DUMB BLOND

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said:

"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled:
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed:
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked:
"What did she roll?"
The other answered:
"I don't know -- I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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Category: Blondes

THE KNOW-IT-ALL ESTABLISHMENT

Two blonde ladies stood before the orientation-map at a recently opened mall. One of the ladies pointed at the circle inscribed: ‘You are here!’ and asked her friend:
“What I can’t understand is, how do they know where we are?”

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Category: Blondes

VENTRILOQUIST

A ventriloquist was doing the round of comedy clubs in Philadelphia. With his dummy on his knee, he went through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected in our community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize. The blonde interrupted him, yelling:
"You stay out of this, asshole! I'm talking to that little shithead on your knee!"

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Category: Blondes

DEODORANT

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
“I'm sorry”, – said the pharmacist, – “we don't have any.”
“But I always get it here,” – said the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” – said the blonde, – “I'll go home and get it.”
She returned with the container. The pharmacist looked at it and said to her:
“This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container:
“TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

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Category: Blondes

BLONDE HOUSEPAINTER

This blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she wanted to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband was off at work, she decided to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He went over and asked her if she is ok. She replied yes. He asked what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women were dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asked her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS”.

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Category: At Work

WELL CONNECTED

The president of the company called for one of his subordinates:
“Congratulations young man! I’ve never seen such a quick advancement within our organization. You started half-a-year ago as a simple clerk, in two months you made department manager, in three additional months, division manager and now I’m happy to advise you that you have been appointed as vice-president. What do you say?”
“It’s really nice of you Dad!”

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Category: At Work

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES

A guy went to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him:
"Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," - he said. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer said:
"That will give you extra points toward employment".
Then he asked:
"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy said:
"Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer told the guy:
"O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 9:00 A. M.
The guy was puzzled and said:
"If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 9:00 A. M?"
"This is a government job," - the interviewer replied. "For the first hour we just sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that.”

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Category: At the Court-of-Law

GOURMET

A forest ranger caught a man sitting at a campfire and eating a bald eagle. The man was consequently brought before a court of law. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
Man: “Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened.”
Judge: “Proceed.”
Man: “I got lost in the woods, hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks and I was literally starving. Next thing I saw a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I thought that if I followed it I could maybe steal the fish. The eagle lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the bird hoping it would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off and the rock hit the eagle squarely on its poor little head and killed it. I thought about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it, I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful than to let it rot on the ground.”
Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”
15 minutes went by and the judge returned.
Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.”
The Judge then leaned over the bench and whispered:
“If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”
Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

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Category: At School

LOGIC

The exams were coming up and the young man on the bus was deeply engrossed in his reading.
“What is your book about?” - asked the passenger in the seat next to him.
“It is about the study of ‘Logic’”.
“And what exactly is logic?” - insisted his neighbor.
“I can try and explain,” - replied the student. “Do you happen to have an aquarium?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” - replied his fellow passenger.
“Then you probably have some fish in it.”
“I do.”
“Then it could be said, that you are an animal lover.”
“You could say that.”
“If you like animals then you probably like people too,” - pressed on the student.
“Of course I do,” - replied the passenger, curious where this was all leading to.
“If you like people in general then you must like women too.”
“That I certainly do.”
“If so, then logically you are not a homosexual,” - summed up the young man. “Do you now understand what ‘Logic’ is all about?”
“I think I got the idea.”
After a while the bus arrived at its destination and the passengers went on their ways. The passenger entered a bar and ordered a beer. Nursing his glass and happy with his newly acquired knowledge he said to the barman:
“I learned a terrific new word today.”
“What is the word?”
“Logic,” - replied the erstwhile passenger.
“And what does it mean?” - inquired the barman, just to keep the conversation going.
“I can explain,” - said his patron. “Do you have an aquarium?”
“No,” - replied the barman.
“Then logic says you are gay.”

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Category: Army Stories

NOTHING WORKS 

The parachutist-trainees were getting ready for their first jump. The officer gave them last minute instructions:
“At 1,000 meters pull string No. 1. In the very rare case that your parachute doesn’t open, string No. 2 is provided as a backup and pulling that will get you safely to the ground. A lorry will wait for you there and take you back to camp.”
A trainee jumped, pulled string No. 1. The parachute didn’t open, so he pulled string No. 2 and again nothing happened.
“Typical!” – grumbled the trainee, – “I won’t be surprised if the lorry isn’t waiting either.”

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Category: Animal World

I DID NOT MEAN YOU

A drunkard took his dog for a walk. A passerby asked:
“What are you doing with that pig?”
“It is not a pig,” - said the lush, - “it’s a dog.”
“I wasn’t speaking to you, I was addressing your dog.”

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Category: Animal World

CLEVER CREATURE

A dog came into the butcher’s. He put down the basket, which he carried in his mouth and gave a shopping list to the butcher. When the butcher put all items on the list into the basket, the dog paid for his shopping, picked up the basket, opened the door and started for home. The butcher was so astonished that he followed him. He saw that the dog stopped at a red light, pressed the button and waited patiently until the light became green. On the other side of the street, the canine went to the bus stop and read carefully the timetable. A bus came but the dog looked at its number and let it pass. When his bus arrived, he got on it. He paid for his ticket and after a few stops got on his hind legs and rang for the driver to stop.
The dog got off the bus and went along the street, followed by the butcher, until they reached a certain house. The dog put the basket on the steps and hit the door hard with his head. He waited for a while and then repeated his action several times, until a man looked out of one of the windows and opened the door for him.
The butcher could not resist the temptation to turn to the dog’s owner and enthuse:
“I hope that you don’t mind, but I followed your dog here from my shop and I must tell you, that I never saw such a clever animal in my life.”
Replied the dog’s owner scornfully:
“Clever? The hell he is! This is the second time in a row this week that he has forgotten his house key.”

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Category: Animal World

HEAVENLY REWARD

A cat died and went to heaven and met there the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat:
“You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”
The cat thought for a moment and said:
“Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
“Say no more” - said the Lord and instantly a wonderful fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later, six mice were killed in a farming accident and went to heaven. Again, there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered:
“All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?”
The Lord said:
“Say no more” - and fitted each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke him and asked:
“How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretched luxuriously, yawned and replied:
“It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!”

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Category: Animal Stories

MOUSY DEALINGS

Chewing its way through some old reels at the Warner Brothers film-library, a mouse encountered a colleague.
“How is the film?” - he asked.
“The book was better.”

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Category: Animal World

DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:
“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”
He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.
“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”
“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”
“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Afterlife

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

A football player came to the well-known fortune-teller and asked her:
“Look here, lately I haven’t been feeling so well and since the game of football is the most important thing in my life, I would like to know, if it is played in heaven.”
The soothsayer looked through her crystal ball and after a while uttered:
“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they do play football in heaven – they have even a National League. The bad news is, that you are scheduled to play next Sunday.”

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Category: Airline Stories

ON-TIME DEPARTURE

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said:
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant:
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant asked:
“Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
He said:
“Yes”
So she said:
“Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”

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Category: Women's Lib

KEEPING HERSELF PURE

A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, coming in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” - she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” - the man replied.
“Oh, I don't mind too much,” - she said, - “but it has my husband is pretty upset.”

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Category: Women's Lib

CONSCIENTIUOUS OBJECTORS

Two women shared an apartment for many years. Both were conscientious objectors to sexual intercourse and avoided contact with men as much as possible. Even their cat was kept safely locked in the apartment, lest it meet tomcats. Then through her work, one of the women got acquainted with a man, fell in love and married him.
Her friend’s marriage came as a shock to the other woman, but she put on a brave face and asked her mate to write from her honeymoon. A few days passed and no mail arrived. Then, after a week, a postcard came with just a few words scribbled on it hurriedly:
“Let the cat out!”

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Category: Women's Lib

GIRLIE DREAMS

Three ladies of the night were discussing who they would like to become, if they were reborn. The first said:
“I would love to be a star like Brigitte Bardot.”
The second woman had higher ambitions:
“I would like to be reborn as someone of standing, like Golda Meir.”
The third said with a dreamy expression:
“I would prefer to become a marine pipeline”
When she saw the astonished looks on her companion’s faces, she simply pointed to a headline in that day’s paper:
“MARINE PIPELINE LAID BY 100 MEN.”

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Category: Viagra

LIMITED INFIRMITY

A man came to the physician and complained:
“Doctor, I cannot get it up anymore.”
The doctor prescribed him some pills, but warned him not to take more than one pill weekly. He also explained that the influence of the pill wears off after one hour, but that should be sufficient. The patient, anxious to try out his new medication and being sure that his wife was at home, took one pill even before he opened his door. To his surprise the apartment was empty and a note from his wife advised him that she left to visit her mother. By the time the wife returned home, the influence of the pill had of course worn off and no effort could get up the sagging manhood of the husband.
The next day the man returned to the physician and asked him if he can take just one more pill. He explained that he took one when his wife was absent and it was wasted. Jokingly, the physician inquired:
“Don’t you have a girlfriend next-door? Couldn’t she have helped you out?”
The patient protested indignantly:
“If you must know, I happen to have a very nice neighbor, but with her I don’t need a pill.”

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