Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

NAVAL TERMINOLOGY

An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and headed once more for the docks, for old times sake. He engaged a prostitute and took her up to a room. He was soon going at it as well as he could for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asked:
“How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied:
“Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” – he asked. “What's that supposed to mean?”
She said: “You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money-back!

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Monday, May 30, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

OIL CHANGE

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
“You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said: “You have to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
“You must be quite a man.”
He responded: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, it's high time you changed the oil. This one's black.”

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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

WHO'S CALLING?

An 80-year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and went to her doctor. The doctor examined her and said: “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”
“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”
“I know,” - said the doctor. “This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”
“I’ll be darned,” - she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
“Hello,” - she heard his familiar halting voice. She screamed:
“You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered:
“Who’s calling please?”


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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

MISPLACED SEX DRIVE

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” - said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
“I know it,” - said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Can you do anything for that, Doc?”
The doctor’s mouth dropped open.
“Your what?!” - he gasped.
“My sex drive,” - said the old man. “It’s too high and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”
“Lower it?!” - exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ’high’?”
“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” - said the old man - “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”
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Friday, May 27, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations NIGHT LIGHT



 
George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said:

“George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?”
George replied:
“I'm eating well and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof* the light goes off.”
“Wow!” - commented Dr. Smith. “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife.
“Ethel,” - he said, - “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. One thing though, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?”
Ethel exclaimed:
“Oh, no! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

BREAKFAST AL A FRESCO

After a long-lasting liaison, a couple became somehow separated. About 20 years later, when they met again, the old flame was rekindled and they decided to live together. The next morning, following a night of passionate lovemaking, the woman came to the breakfast table stark naked. Noticing the look on her mate’s face, she asked:
“Isn’t this the costume you always wanted me to wear?”
“Yes,” – responded her paramour, – “but you should have ironed it first.”


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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

TELLING EVERYBODY!


An old man came into confession and said to the priest:
“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”
“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.
“What sins?”
“What kind of a Catholic are you?
“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”
 
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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

RECURRENCE

An 85-year-old man married a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband was so old, the woman decided that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She was concerned that the old fellow would overexert himself. After the festivities she prepared herself for bed and for the knock on the door she expected. Sure enough the knock came and there was her groom ready for action. They united in conjugal union and all went well whereupon he took his leave of her and she prepared to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there was a knock on the door and there was old guy again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consented to further coupling, which was again successful, after which the octogenarian bid her a fond good night and left.
She was certainly ready for slumber at this point and was close to sleep for the second time when there was another knock at the door and there he was again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Once again they did the horizontal boogie. As they were lying in afterglow the young bride said to him:
“I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.”
The old guy looked puzzled, turned to her and said: “Was I already here?”

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Monday, May 23, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

CAUTIOUS

A group of scientists was investigating sexual activity at an advanced age. They were told of an old man who at the age of 100 years still brought home twice-weekly streetwalkers. If true, this was indeed a rare phenomena and worth looking into. A black lady scientist was so much intrigued that she volunteered to pick up the old geezer and find out his secret. The lady was young and handsome and the old gent readily swallowed the bait and took the scientist home and ravished her three times. After each session, he took a short nap, but asked the woman to hold his balls in her left hand and in her right his penis while he is asleep and not let go for even a second.
The lady scientist was enthusiastic about having made a sensational discovery, but for safety’s sake asked the old man if there is any connection between his unusual potency and the fact that his tool is held in somebody’s hand. Said the old man:
“Actually none. It’s just that the last black girl I took home, stole my purse.”

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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

GOOD FIT

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady A.: “What's that?”
Lady B.: “A condom.”
Lady A.: “Where'd you get it?”
Lady B.: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady A. hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (after all, she was in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn't matter,” – she replied, – “as long as it fits a Camel.”


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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

TEMPERATE ZONE

After WWI, the border between the newly independent Polish state and Russia was being delineated. One day the demarcation committee reached a hut, that the borderline was about to go right through the middle of. In the hut lived an elderly couple and a member of the committee thought that it would be kind if they would ask them which country they want to belong to.
“If it is all the same to you, we would prefer to live in Poland,” - answered the old man.
“And why if we may ask?”
“We are old and feeble and the severe colds of those Russian winters would be hard for us to bear.”


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Friday, May 20, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

LOVE HAS NO LIMITS

The elderly couple met at a pensioners’ social evening and immediately took a fancy to each other. He invited her for a walk in the nearby park; they rested for a while behind some bushes, one thing followed another and soon they were proving that there is no age-limit to lovemaking.
The man was the first to recover and breathing heavily remarked:
“I did not know that at your age you would still be a virgin.”
“If I would have known that you can still get it up at your age,” – replied his date, – “I would have taken off my panties.”

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

IT'S HER TURN NOW

Looking pale and drawn, Brown came home from work shortly before noon. He dropped his briefcase near the entrance and fell on the bed exhausted. His wife came running out of the kitchen and putting her hand on his forehead to see whether he is feverish, anxiously inquired:

“What is the matter, darling? Are you sick?”
“Don’t ask!” – answered her husband. “The doctor told me, that I can no longer work and should not do anything tiring. From now on I must take it easy, sit in a comfortable armchair, read my paper and watch TV. As if I can! I am sick with worry about what is going to happen to us. What shall we do? Who will support us from now on?”
“I shall,” – said Mrs. Brown. “For 40 years you were the provider, now it is my turn.”
“But what work can you do at your age?”
“The one I have the most practice in. Just relax and let me worry about everything.”
That evening Mrs. Brown dressed up in her best clothes, put on a lot of makeup, placed a jug of lemonade at her husband’s elbow and left. She returned at dawn, bedraggled, with her make-up smeared all over her face and somewhat proudly, put $33.33 on the table. Brown was aghast:
“But honey, who was the insensitive son of a bitch who gave you 33 cents?”
“Everybody,” – sighed his wife wearily.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK

An elderly gent visited his physician and complained about having a bowel movement every morning exactly at 7 a.m. The good doctor was surprised at the complaint: “You should be satisfied that at your age your bowels move so regularly.”
“It is all well,” – replied his patient – “trouble is, I usually wake up at about 8 a. m.”


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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

 BETTER THAN A SLEEPING PILL

“What do you do when you can’t fall asleep?”
“I count till three.”
“And when that doesn’t help?”
“I count till three-thirty.”

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Monday, May 16, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE
On their 30-year anniversary, the Smiths decided to reenact their honeymoon. They went to the same hotel, got the same suite and as dinnertime came around, Mrs. Smith said:
“Darling, do you remember, 30 years ago we didn’t go down for dinner, but had it here in our room?”
Obediently, Mr. Smith went to the phone and asked Room Service to bring dinner to their room. But Mrs. Smith strove for even more authenticity:
“You remember honey, that on our first honeymoon, we ate our dinner stark naked?”
So, after the old waiter (the same they had 30 years ago!) wheeled in the laden trolley, set the table, lighted the candles and left their suite, both Smiths undressed and sat down to have their festive dinner. Mrs. Smith gushed with happiness and beamed at her husband:
“Isn’t everything the same as it was then? It seems that nothing has changed. I even feel the same warmth in my heart.”
Mr. Smith, poor soul, was less romantically inclined and answered:
“That warmth comes from your tits which hang into the soup, my dear.”


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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

TOTAL AMNESIA
The elderly lady complained to her daughter:
“I am getting on in age and I think I should stop holding these weekly bridge-parties at my house. I prepare sandwiches, cakes, soft drinks and when everybody is gone, I discover that I forgot to serve them.”
“Oh Mum, it would be a foolish to stop something you enjoy so much,” – said the daughter. “I know you look forward to the party all through the week. I‘ll prepare a note and attach it to the fridge door to remind you of the things you must do.”
The system worked fine. When the bridge players next assembled at the old lady’s home and she entered her kitchen, she saw her daughter’s note:
“Serve coffee and cakes.”
The woman followed the instructions. The next time she came to fetch a glass of water, she saw the note again and served her guests again. This scene was repeated for the third and fourth time. There were plenty of cakes and nobody really noticed being served several times, because the bridge partners were as forgetful as their host was.
Just as the guests were leaving, the daughter arrived.
“Did my mother serve you coffee and cakes?” – she asked.
“No,” – replied the friends. “She is becoming a miser in her old age. We were quite hungry, but we did not get anything.”
The daughter entered the apartment and asked her mother:
“Mummy, why didn’t you serve coffee and cakes to your friends?”
“Just imagine,” – answered the lady, – “nobody showed up.”

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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliation

THE SECRET OF LONGEVITY

As part of a survey, undertaken with the purpose of trying to discover the reasons behind longevity, a scientist interviewed scores of old people.

“What is your secret for long life?” - he asked the first interviewee.
“I drink a big glass of milk three times a day, in the morning, at noon and at night,” - answered the old guy.
“And how old are you?”
“94 years old.”
The scientist thanked him and called in the second man.
“What is your secret?” - he asked again.
“I refrain from consuming any meat, eat only fresh vegetables and fruit.”
“And what is your age?”
“I just celebrated my 90th birthday.”
The scientist continued with his interviews. The third man said he jogs at least three times a day, each time about 5 kilometers and he is 103 years old. The fourth, fifth and sixth each had their own recipes for longevity and each could point to his advanced years as proof that his secret is the most effective. Finally, in came a man, who looked the oldest of the lot. His back was bent, his head trembling; he barely managed to reach the interviewing table. He too was asked:
“What is your secret?”
“I sleep three times a day with an 18 old girl.”
This was a new angle. The scientist continued with his query:
“And how old are you?”
“49 years old,” - replied the patriarch.




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Friday, May 13, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

 A MATTER OF PATIENCE
On his 100th birthday a reporter asked the patriarch, how he had managed to reach such a ripe old age.
The old gent just shrugged: “Very simply. I had one glass of brandy every day.”
“But there are many others who drink and don’t live to become 100 years old,” - wondered the reporter.
 “Of course not,” – answered the venerable guy,  – “they don’t keep it up long enough.”
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Thursday, May 12, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

 WHO'S WHO
A minor functionary, very proud of his record, was retired after 45 years of working at the municipality. Since he was a bachelor and saw no sense in maintaining a large apartment, he decided to move to a fashionable Retirement Home. After his arrival, he took a stroll around the premises. In the corridor he encountered two elderly ladies. He tried to dazzle them with one of his patronizing smiles, but got no spark of recognition.
“Don’t you know who I am?” – he asked.
The ladies gave him the once-over and finally one of them said:
“We really don’t know you, but if you can’t remember who you are, they can tell you downstairs at the office.”
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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

 BETTER THAN A SLEEPING PILL
“What do you do when you can’t fall asleep?”
“I count till three.”
“And when that doesn’t help?”
“I count till three-thirty.”

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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

MISSING PERSON

An old man was sitting on a park bench and crying bitterly. A passersby took pity on him and inquired:
“What is the matter Grandpa? Can I help you?”
“Nobody can help me,” – wailed the man.
“Don’t you have a family to go home to?”
“My wife died seven months ago. I found a girl, a 20-year-old blonde looker, to take care of me. She moved into my house, cooks my favorite dishes for me, washes and irons my clothing and has sex with me every night.”
“So why are you crying?” – asked the passersby.
“I forgot where I live.”

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Monday, May 09, 2011

Category: Old Age Humiliations

OLD, NOT FEEBLE

An 80-year-old man went to see his family physician.
“What seems to be the trouble, Uncle Jim?”
“I’m marrying a 20-year-old girl next week. Dear doctor, I know it’s rare at my age, but is it still possible for me to have children?”
“Of course it is possible, just find yourself a young lodger.”
A year later, the doctor met the beaming old geezer walking on the street alongside his young wife who was pushing a huge baby carriage with triplets in it.
“Uncle Jim!” – exclaimed the doctor, – “I’m glad to see that you have succeeded with the babies. And how is your lodger?”
“Don’t mention it! She is pregnant too.”

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Sunday, May 08, 2011

Category: Nouveau Riche

 WORTHLESS TRASH

The nouveau riche came into the antiquary and looked through some of the books. After a while he spoke up:
“Don’t you have anything new?”
“No sir, we deal in antique books.”
“I didn’t realize that these old books still have a market. Once I found an old bible in our attic. It was written in those funny-looking German letters and published by somebody named Got… Guten…”   
The antiquarian blanched and started trembling: “Maybe Gutenberg?”
“Yea, how did you guess? Still, it looked very old and was torn in several places, so I just chucked it out.”
“Oh my God! That must have been one of the first books ever published. It was worth a fortune.”
“I doubt it. On most of the pages there was some scribbling by a guy who called himself Martin Luther.”

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Saturday, May 07, 2011

Category: Naughty Jokes

 JAMAICAN FIREMAN
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked, 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed,    'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out:
"BellFour!"
“What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" - asked the astonished Jamaican.
She replied: .
“Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.”
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Friday, May 06, 2011

Category: Naughty Jokes

MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.  
The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist told her:
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said:
"I'm not using it under my arms."
The clerk said:
"If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
She said:
"I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The clerk said:
"Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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