Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

LATIN

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," - Yacov said, - "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said:
"See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world," - Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, - "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" - one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," - she replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"In Latin?" - asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, - "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

STRANDED

Morris & Esther, an elderly Jewish couple, were on an airplane flying to the Far East when over the public address system the Captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen! I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on the maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.
A few minutes later, thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane landed safely on the island, whereupon Morris turned to his wife and asked:
"Esther, did we pay our charity pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No, Morris," – she responded.
Morris smiled, then asked:
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no I forgot to send the check!"
Now Morris laughed.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy, forgive me Morris, I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris was practically choking with laughter.
Esther asked Morris:
"So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responded:
"They'll find us."

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Monday, August 29, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

TRYING TO BE UNCONSPICOUS
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked:

“How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice:
“I'll tell you, Rabbi,” – he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me and I don't want to remind Him!”

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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories 

SPORTING

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me. I have in me Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said:
“Very sporting of your mother.”

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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories
HIGHLY SUGGESTIVE

An old Jewish man was talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he got cut off. He hollered:
“Operator, giff me beck the party!”
She said: “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again.”
He said: “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.”
She said: “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again.”
He said: “Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!” - and hung up. Two days later he opened the door and there were two big, strapping guys standing there who said:
“We came to take your telephone out.”
He said: “Vy?”
They said: “Because two days ago you insulted operator 28, but if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.”
He said: “Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?”
He went to the telephone and dialed:
“Hello? Get me operator 28! Hello, operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?”
She said: “Yes?”
He said: “Vell, Get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!”

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Friday, August 26, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

LOSS OF WEIGHT

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar because, as he announced it, his wife has just produced “a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.” Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of “Wow!” were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said:

“Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered: “Ten pounds.”
The bartender was puzzled, concerned:
“Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father took a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said:
“Had him circumcised.”



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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

TIPPING

Abe, an old Jewish guy, was a yarn merchant. He lived next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite called up Abe and said:

“Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I want it delivered tomorrow.”
Abe said: “OK.”
The next morning the anti-Semite was awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He ran outside to see a row of trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckload after truckload of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard was a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presented a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy started yelling and screaming at Abe:
“What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?”
Straight-faced, Abe replied:
“I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount, but the tip of my penis is in Poland.”

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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

IRISH DITCH DIGGERS

Darby and Clancy, a pair of Irish ditch diggers, were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute, when they witnessed a Protestant reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

“Would ye look at that, Darby!” - said Clancy. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!”
Both men shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then, when he was satisfied no one was spying on him, darted into the house.
“Did ye see that, Darby?” - Clancy asked in shock and disbelief.
“Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?” - Darby replied. “I can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!”
A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking about the house and looking around to see if any one was watching and then he quietly sneaked in the door.
“Oh, Darby, look!” - said Clancy, removing his cap respectfully. “One of the poor girls must have died”!

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

THE BEST OF ALL

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish guy were in a bar. They were having a good time and all agreed that the bar was a nice place. Then the Irishman said:

“Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agreed that that sounded like a nice place. Then the Italian said:
“Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
Everyone agreed that that sounded like a great bar. Then the Polish guy said:
“You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” - said the other two. “That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” - he replied, - “but it happened to my sister!”

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Monday, August 22, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

UNITED JEWISH APPEAL
 
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one-dollar bills.

“Excuse me, sir” - he asked the old gentleman, - “where did you get all this money?”
“Vell, I'll tell you,” - the old man began, - “for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I said... ‘Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!’”
“That's quite a story,” - the customs agent said, - “what's in the second suitcase?”
“Vell, you know,” - said the old Jewish man shaking his head, - “not every one likes to give to Israel!”
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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories
WEIGHTY REASON

Arthur Winthorpe Gladstone III took his college roommate, Samuel Bernstein, home for Christmas. After dinner, Arthur spoke to his father:

“Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we’d like your blessing.”
Arthur’s father practically exploded, his face turned red and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied:
“Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel! For God’s sake, Arthur,... he’s Jewish!”

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Saturday, August 20, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

HIDE AND SEEK

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know whom they had found. They called the police and said “we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa, or somebody important.”
The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

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Friday, August 19, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH FLY

A guy offered to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar. She gave him the green light, so he went to the end of the bar and whispered to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and put some Spanish fly in the drink. The bartender whispered back to say he’s all out of Spanish fly and all he has left is Jewish fly.

“Jewish fly?” – Shrugging his shoulders, the guy said – “OK, put some of that in her drink.”
As she sipped the drink, she got more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finished the drink, leaned over and in a low, slow and sexy voice whispered in his ear:
“Let’s go shopping!”

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

WHAT'S IN A NAME

Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all. First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street (New York Jewish) accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street. Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Country Club. Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, nee Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee. The chairman said:

“Please state your name.”
In plumy Oxonian accents, Harry said:
“Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.”
“And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?”
“The usual places: Eton...Oxford...”
The chairman beamed.
“And what is your religious affiliation?”
“Goy*.”

* Hebrew, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.


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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

RESPECTFUL GUYS

After almost 60 years of happy marriage, Weiss's wife has passed away and the old man found it difficult to manage on his own. His son's wife was - to say it mildly - not enthusiastic at the idea of her father-of-law moving in with them, so Weiss junior, after a lot of soul searching, convinced his father to move into an old folks' home. As at the only Jewish institution in their town there were absolutely no vacancies, the son decided to put his father into a Christian home. Actually it was a very exclusive establishment, located on top of a hill, surrounded by a spacious park and luxuriously appointed.

The old man adjusted to his surroundings in a relatively short period and seemed to be enjoying the place's multiple facilities. After a few weeks, some friends paid him a visit and asked him how he is getting along in his new home.
“They are quite respectful at this place,” - said old Weiss - “look at that chap with a polo cap over there, for example. He won many a golf tournament in his time and even though he has not touched a club in fifteen years, they still call him 'Champ'. And that guy at the pool, he has worked for forty years as an airline pilot. On account of his shaking hands, he has not been near an airplane in more than ten years, but everybody still addresses him as 'Captain'.”
“And what about you?” - asked the friends.
“Me? I have not touched a woman in five years, but they still call me 'Fucking Jew'.”

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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

LANGUAGE LAB

Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries. One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, that he asked to speak to the owner.

“I'm very impressed with your waiter. Where did he learn Yiddish?” – he asked the owner.
“Shhh,” – the owner replied. “He thinks I'm teaching him English!”

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Monday, August 15, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

MOISHE AND THE POPE

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said:
“I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the Cardinals asked the Pope what had happened. The Pope said:
“First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of Original Sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
“What happened?” - they asked.
“Well,” - said Moishe, - “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“Yes, yes .. and then???” - asked the crowd.
“I don't know,” - said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

TALKING TO THE WALL

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He got an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. As the weeks went by he realized that whenever he looked at the Wall he saw a certain old Jew praying vigorously. The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He went down to the Wall, introduced himself and said:

“You come every day to the Wall. What are you praying for?”
The old Jew replied:
“What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”
The journalist was taken by the old Jew's sincerity and persistence.
“You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?”
The old Jew nodded.
“How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?”
The old Jew became reflective and then replied:
“How long? Maybe twenty, twenty five years.”
The journalist was flabbergasted.
“You mean you have been coming to the wall for all those years to pray for these things?”
The old Jew nodded. The amazed journalist finally asked:
“How does it feel to come and pray every day for over twenty years for these things?”
The old Jew replied:
“How does it feel? It feels like I’m talking to a wall.”

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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories

SMUGGLING

Juan came up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He had two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stopped him and asked:

“What's in the bags?”
“Sand,” - answered Juan.
The guard said:
“We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard took the bags and ripped them apart, emptied them out and found nothing in them but sand. He detained Juan overnight and had the sand analyzed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard released Juan, put the sand into new bags, hefted them onto the man's shoulders and let him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The guard asked:
“What have you got?”
“Sand,” - said Juan.
The guard repeated his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to Juan and Juan crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan didn't show up one day and the guard met him a few weeks later in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey Buddy,” - said the guard, - “I knew you were smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between us, what were you smuggling?”
Juan sipped his beer and said:
“Bicycles.”


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Friday, August 12, 2011

Category: Ethnic Stories
TEETOTALER
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender said:

“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied:
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drunk the same way: He ordered three pints and drunk them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said:
“I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed:
“Oh, no,” – he said, – “everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.”

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Category: Ethnic Jokes

PRAYING PROHIBITION

The approach of the High Holidays has a funny effect on people. The conscience of many an infidel, who usually does not frequent religious services, sounds an alarm bell and tells him, that the only way he can avoid heavenly retribution for his sins is to go to the synagogue. The pressure on the temple management is so great that seats have to be numbered and tickets sold weeks in advance.
On the Jewish New Year, a man came to the entrance of the synagogue, but was stopped by the usher who demanded to see his entrance-ticket.
“But I just want to speak to Schwarcz for a while,” - protested the man.
“Nothing doing! Today, nobody can go in without a ticket.”
“It’s a matter of life and death. Please let me in. I promise I'll only be five minutes.”
At last the attendant relented:
“All right. I shall let you pop in for just five minutes, but you can rest assured that I shall throw you out on your ear if I catch you saying even one word of prayer!”


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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Category: 'English' Jokes
FAIRLY LARGE
An English gentleman wearing a swimsuit, sunglasses and sandals, with a towel on his shoulder, an ice-cold Coke in one hand and a transistor radio in the other strolled in the Sahara desert. When he saw a Bedouin riding his camel going the opposite way, he asked:

“Excuse me sir, how far is it to the beach?”
“About 3,000 kilometers.”
“They seem to have a fairly large strand here.”

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Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Category: Ecumenical Stories
TO MANY JEWS

An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table three nuns discussed where to go for a vacation. The second nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The third nun said to Mother Superior:
“Let's go to New York.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The second again spoke and said:
“Let's go to Los Angeles.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leant over and said with a Yiddish accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

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Monday, August 08, 2011

Category: Ecumenical Stories
GADGETRY
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child. What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem; I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," - and she gave him the 'hair remover.'
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked:
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," – he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked:
"And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied:
"I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said:
"Go ahead Father. ................Next!"


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Sunday, August 07, 2011

Category: Ecumenical Stories
EXCELLENT ADVICE
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Scotland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried to give her some warm milk, but she initially refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Scotch whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," - the nuns asked with earnest, - "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."
She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said:
"Don't sell that cow."



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