Category: Marital Bliss

HE SAID - SHE SAID

Priest said: “I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.”
She said: “Who's gonna look?”

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He said: “Let's go out and have some fun tonight.”
She said: “Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.”

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He said: “Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She said: “I would, but you said not to call you at work.”

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He said: “I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.”
She said: “You wear pants don't you?”

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He said: “.Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said: “That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.”

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Category: Married Bliss

A BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" - asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said:
"It's a bottle of wine I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade."

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Category: Marital Bliss

A SWEET STORY

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" - asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said,
"You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries, Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying:
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU**ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU**ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

.............and, they lived happily ever after.



Isn't this a sweet story?

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His
eyes fluttered open and he said:
"You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said:
"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed, because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked: "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied: "The drugs are wearing off”.

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Category: Male Chauvinists

CONDOLENCES

“Do you have prophylactics other than white ones?” - the customer asked the pharmacist.
“We have them in various colors.”
“Then please give me a pack of black ones, I’m going to pay my condolences to my friend’s widow.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

The giant lorry stopped with screeching brakes near the homely hitchhiker. The driver said condescendingly:

“Get in lass! I’m not a chauvinistic pig like the other drivers who only stop for pretty girls.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

UNNATURAL ACT

Two men met on the street. One seemed to be in a big hurry. Asked the other one:
“What is the rush, old buddy?”
“I must hurry home to cook dinner.”
“Is your wife sick?”
“No, she’s hungry.”

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Category: Loonies

ANSWERING SERVICE

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:
“Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press & press & press and finally bash; no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969969696969696969696696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia: Press 8, state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name, if you can remember which number is 8.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have low self-esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Category: Lawyers

RAT RACE

A tourist wandered into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovered a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture was so interesting and unique that he picked it up and asked the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” - said the shop owner, - “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” - he replied, - “but I'll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist left the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crossed the street in front of the store, two live rats emerged from a sewer drain and fell into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he began to walk faster, but every time he passed another sewer drain, more rats came out and followed him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats were at his heels and people began to point and shout. He walked even faster and soon broke into a trot as multitudes of rats swarmed from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands were at his heels and as he saw the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panicked and started to run full tilt. No matter how fast he ran, the rats kept up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he came rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long was behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumped up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurled the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he could heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watched in amazement as the seething tide of rats surged over the breakwater into the sea, where they drowned.
Shaken and mumbling, he made his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,” - said the owner.
“No,” - said the tourist, - “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

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Category: Indians

TOTAL RECALL

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the local Hilton and as he paid his bill asked the manager:
“By the way, what's with that Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived.”
“Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not',” - said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.”
The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
“'ello, mate!” - said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”
“Eggs,” - was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East Coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-Not's great memory. One local remarked to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'ello mate'. On his return to the Hilton six months later he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
“How?” - said the Aussie.
“Scrambled,” - said the Chief.

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Category: In the Middle East

SHE SHOULD KNOW

At the Israeli border settlement, the furnishings were primitive, to say the least. In the shower-shed, made of galvanized metal, there was a hole in the wall dividing the female shower-booths from the male ones, strategically located so that only the lower part of the body could be seen. From time to time, both sexes used the hole, as circumstances warranted.
One day, just as three female members of the settlement were showering, they heard the door on the other side of the wall open and a lone man came in. That was the opportunity they were waiting for. Each woman took turns bending down to peek through the hole. The first woman commented in a whisper:
“It is not my husband.”
Her companion agreed:
“Of course it is not your husband.”
It was the third woman who clinched the matter:
“He is not from our settlement at all.”

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Category: Ghost Stories

FORCE OF HABIT

The passenger in the taxicab wanted to light a cigarette when he noticed that he had no matches. At a traffic-light he leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder:
“Do you mind if I light up?’
The driver shrieked and turned around with an ashen face. The passenger was embarrassed:
“Excuse me for giving you a shock. I only wanted to ask you for a light.”
“It’s really not your fault sir, but I’m replacing the regular driver only temporarily. Usually I drive a hearse.”

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Category: Genies, JInns and Fairies

TALL ORDER

A farmer was plowing his field when his plow struck a hard object. He bent down to see what it was and saw that it was a very old looking earthen jug. His curiosity aroused, he opened the heavily sealed stopper and out came a spirit with a big whoosh, 10 meters tall, bearded, turbaned, looking for all purposes like a Turkish pasha. The genie sighed, stretched luxuriously and then folding his arms on his chest bowed to the fearful farmer and in a deep rumbling voice vocalized:
“Don’t be afraid. I have been locked in this bottle for 10,000 years and am indebted to you, mortal being, for setting me free. I am yours to serve and will fulfill any wish you may have.”
The farmer thought for a while and then said:
“It would benefit me and my family and also the country, if I could have an oil well in my courtyard.”
The genie looked embarrassed: “Take pity on me! I am only a minor spirit and out of practice at that. Cannot you wish for something easier?”
The farmer deliberated again and finally replied:
“I am married for 20 years to a Polish woman and I never had good sex with her. Could you grant me just one enjoyable, satisfying night with her?”
The spirit was dumbfounded by this request. He scratched his head and then said:
“Maybe I’ll try my hand with the oil well after all.”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

LIES

A cabbie picked up a nun. She got into the cab and the noticed that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asked him why he is staring and he replied:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answered:
“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well....I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me passionately.”
She responded:
“Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver was very excited and said:
“Yes, I'm single and Catholic too!!”
The nun said:,
“OK, pull into the next alley.”
He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” – said the nun, – “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied and must confess. I'm married and Jewish.”
The nun said:
“That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.”

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Category: From The Mouth Of Babes

RODEO

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed:
“Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agreed. Johnny hopped on and daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping. Johnny cried out:
“Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

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Category: From The Mouths Of Babes

GET SMART QUICKLY

A small boy’s parents took him to a nudist beach for the first time. The child looked around curiously and to his surprise discovered that not all men are equally endowed. When he asked his father about it, the man answered in an off-hand way:
“Isn’t it obvious? Those with the small ones are stupid and those with the big ones are smart. Now off you go. Build a sand castle, or something.”
Half an hour later, the father asked his son:
“Have you seen where your Mother has gone?”
“She is there, behind those bushes,” - replied the boy, “talking to a stupid guy, who is getting smarter by the minute.”

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Category: From The Mouths Of Babes

INSTRUCTIONS ARE ATTACHED

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:
“There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” - his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” - he replied. “I think it's printed on the bottom.”

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Category: For Your Kids

DOUBTING THOMASES

Jim’s friends knew that even though he is a good pal, ever ready to extend a helping hand to those in need, hygiene is not his forte. So, when they received invitations for the premier of a new drama, Jim was told that he could come only if he promised to wear clean socks.
Opening night came around and the well-dressed crowd trooped into the theater. As the friends took their seats, an awful stench was felt. They all looked accusingly at Jim and asked:
“But you promised...?”
“I did change my socks,” - said the man, - “but I knew you would not believe me. So, I brought the evidence with me!”
With that, he pulled a pair of dirty socks out of his pocket and raised them for all to see.

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THE HASSID AND THE BLONDE

Schlomo the Hassid was standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes. A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, had just finished checking in, and was on her way to the elevator, when she saw the Hassid. She stopped dead in her tracks and walked over to him.
"Hi" - she said.
"Hullo" - he answered.
"I have a confession to make to you," - she said.
He nodded.
"I have a sexual fantasy".
He nodded.
"I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard and play with his payiss. In fact I want you now and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"
He looked at her thoughtfully and said:
"And what's in it for me?"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

VAN DER MERWE

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by:
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," - said the Aussie.
"Boys!" - replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," - the Aussie told him.
"Great country this!" - said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THE FALL

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," - he implored, "let it be blood!!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

WATER TO WINE

An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said:
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," - said the priest. The trooper said:
"Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said:
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

LOST AT SEA

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out:
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

LOST LUGGAGE

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," - replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" - said the Irishman.

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Category: Ethnic Stories

ERRAND

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", - said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, - "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', - said the Irishman, - "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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