Category: Tax Matters

A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), the following anonymous letter was received by the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax and understated my taxable income. I enclose a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Custom Search

Category: Straight from the Hip

OBVIOUS

"Two women met.
“Where have you been?” - asked one.
“I went to the beauty parlor, but it was closed.”
“I can see that.”

Custom Search

Category: Sporting World

A REAL FAN

"Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. When he arrived at the stadium, he realized that his seat was in the last row, in the far upper corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:
“Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man said no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquired of the man next to him:
“This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replied:
“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that's really sad,” - said Bob, - “but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”
“No,” - answered the man, - “they're all at the funeral.”

Custom Search

Category: Simpletons

CROSSED WIRES

Two policemen walked their beat in the East-European capital. One of them suggested:
“Don’t you think it would be wise if we learned a foreign language?”
Hardly had he finished speaking, when a big American car stopped near them. A man leaned out of the window and asked:
“Do you speak English?”
Both policemen shook their heads in negation.
The man tried again:
“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”
“Parlate Italiano?’
“Parlez vous Francais?”
“¿Habla Espanol?”
To each of the questions, the policemen just looked at him uncomprehendingly. At last the foreigner muttered under his breath: 'Damn!' and drove off.
“You see, that man spoke at least five languages and where did it get him?” – asked the second policeman.

Custom Search

Category: Simpletons

CUCKOO'S NEST

“You know, my son is a complete nitwit.”
“How can you say such a thing? He’s a nice kid.”
“O.K., pay attention! Jimmy, go down to the bus station and see if I’m there.”
Ten minutes later the child came back, panting after his run:
“You are not there Dad.”
“You see what a dimwit he is.”
“Indeed…He could’ve seen from the window that you are not there.”

Custom Search

Category: Salesmen

YOU EITHER HAVE IT, OR YOU DON'T

All traveling salesmen used to meet in the same compartment on the train and there - over a few beers, play cards, swaps stories and pass the long hours of the journey. One day a young, new salesman came on the train and asked permission to join his peers. He did not as yet dare join the conversation and was just listening to his elder and more experienced colleagues, in the hope of learning something. Suddenly he heard one of them say:
“You remember that fabulous one, ‘9’?” - and saw to his astonishment, that most of the salesmen burst out laughing. After a while, another said:
“And what about ‘27’?” - this time everybody started guffawing, slapping their knees, holding their sides and wiping their tears. One guy in the corner tried to trump the previous teller and said:
“That is nothing! Listen to this: ‘13’,” - but this time, hardly anyone smiled.
His curiosity aroused, the young salesman whispered to the man next to him:
“Can you tell me please what do all those numbers mean and why is everybody laughing?”
His neighbor smiled understandingly and replied:
“We have been traveling so many years together that by now we know each others’ jokes by heart. So, instead of retelling them over and over, we numbered them. Now it is enough for someone to mention a number, to get us all laughing.”

(End of Joke One)

The young man found that this was a capital idea and asked for a list of all the jokes with their numbers, so that at their next meeting, he too could participate in the joke-telling ritual. He made a great concentrated effort to memorize the list by his next journey and indeed had it down pat when he came on the train. As soon as everybody was seated, beer in hand, the young man exclaimed:
“Gentlemen, do you remember ‘32’?”
To his great disappointment, the faces of the assembled men remained serious. Nobody even smiled.
“Well,” - thought the young man to himself. “It is not such a hot item anyway. To warm up the atmosphere, I should have started off with the best one of the lot.”
“And what about ‘19’?” - he continued.
An embarrassing silence ensued. After a while somebody remarked:
“My son, it is not enough to recognize a joke. You must know how to tell it!”

Custom Search

Category: Preposterous Stories

BRAGGER

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day:
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know him."
Tired of Goldberg’s boasting, the boss called his bluff:
"OK, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So Goldberg and his boss flew out to Hollywood, knocked on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough Tom Cruise shouted:
"Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Goldberg's boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise's house, he told Goldberg that he thought Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," – Goldberg said.
"President Bush," – his boss quickly retorted.
"Yes," – Goldberg said, – "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they went. At the White House, Bush spotted Goldberg on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying:
"Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in.
Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss was very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Goldberg, who again implored him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," – his boss replied.
"Sure!" – said Goldberg. "I've known the Pope for a long time."
So off they flew to Rome. Goldberg and his boss were assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg said:
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappeared into the crowd, headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time he returned, he found that his boss has had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side,
Goldberg asked him:
"What happened?"
His boss looked up and said:
"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked: ‘”Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?’"

Custom Search

Category: Political Jokes

PIGS

President Clinton arrived back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He stepped out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, the Marine guard sharply saluted him as usual.
Clinton said:
“I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full.”
The Marine replied:
“Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!”
President Clinton responded:
“These aren't just ordinary pigs, Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!”
The Marine replied:
“Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!”
The President then responded:
“I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea.”
The Marine guard then replied:
“Yes Sir! GOOD trade, Sir!”

Custom Search

Category: Political Jokes

DON'T CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS

At the Faculty of Architecture at the Moscow University, the professor was telling his class about the new worker-flats in the Housing Project on the outskirts of Leningrad. One of the students raised his finger. The professor consulted the place-chart on his table and then said impatiently:
“Yes, Comrade Dimitri Ivanovits, what is it?”
“I have just returned from a visit with my family in Leningrad and I saw not a single new house being built anywhere.”
“You see Comrades what happens, when someone keeps loitering on the streets, instead of studying in his room.”

Custom Search

Category: Political Jokes

YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM

In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery.
The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out:
“It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!”
A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted:
“There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!”
Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more:
“There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.”
Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced:
“I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.”
Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked:
“Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”

Custom Search

Category: Political Jokes

KEY CHARACTER

Rabinovits applied for an exit visa from the Soviet Union. He was ordered to come to the Emigration Office:
“You have a big apartment and a good job. Why do you want to emigrate to Israel?”
“I wouldn’t mind staying, but my wife wants to go.”
“You’re a man. Can’t you change your wife’s mind?”
“I could, but her parents want to leave too.”
“Let them go and you can stay.”
“Regretfully, I’m unable. I’m the only Jew in the family.”

Custom Search

Category: Parenting

MODEL PARENT

A man pushing a cart, which contained a screaming, bellowing baby was seen in the supermarket. The gentleman kept repeating softly:
“Don't get excited, Albert. Don't scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said:
“You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert.”
The man looked at her and said:
“Lady, I'm Albert.”

Custom Search

Category: On the Farm

ON THE ROAD

On a deserted country road, a student stopped a farmer in a horse-drawn buggy:
“Tell me please, is it far to the nearest town?”
“Not very far.”
“Can you give me a lift?”
“Sure.”
The buggy advanced in its slow way along the bumpy road. An hour passed then another couple of hours. The student nodded off and when he woke up, they still were in the middle of nowhere. Finally he spoke up:
“Tell me, is it still far to the town?”
“It sure is now.”

Custom Search

Category: On the Farm

IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

A tourist group visited a model dairy farm, renowned for its advanced systems. The agronomist showed them around and when they reached the cow-shed, proudly introduced their mighty bull:
“This is our multi-decorated prize-bull. He performs his duties twice daily and has sired many fine, high yield cows...”
“Did you hear that Fritz,” – said one of a the ladies – “that bull does it twice a day!”
“Yea,” – replied her husband nonchalantly – “but with a different cow each time.”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

PERJURY

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week, or so, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said:
"For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied:
"I have been in jail."
"Jail???," - cried Max. "What in the world for???"
"Well," - Wally said, - "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" - said MAX, - "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, an old geezer like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

LYING

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hung over Bob's arm and listened intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked:
"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied:
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continued to ask:
"So , how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age" - Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said:
"No, I told her I was 90."

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

FAIR SAMPLE

A senior citizen went in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor entered the examination room he said:
"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turned to his wife and asked:
"What did he say?"
The wife yelled back to him:
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

KILLED BY THE BELL

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied:
“He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," - replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued:
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:
"Up or down?"
The woman replied:
"Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
She replied:
"Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked:
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied:
"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations

OLD AGE AND CUNNING

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him:
"We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned:
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said:
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations 

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said:
“Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said:
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said:
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said:
"I want 5 loaves."
She said:
"My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied:
"Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations 

FOR THE POSTERITY

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow:
"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was." 

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations 

THE RABBI'S ADVICE

An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion:
"Hire a good looking, strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife to fantasize and should bring the desired pleasure."
They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn't help and she remained unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi.
"Okay", – said the rabbi to the husband, – "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly:
"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Simulations 

BROTHEL VISIT

An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam that he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looked at the man and asked how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," - he said
"Ninety!" - commented the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?" 
"Oh, sorry," - said the old man, - "how much do I owe you?"

Custom Search

Category: Old Age Humiliations 

CURE ALL

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
     When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
     "Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl.
     "Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Custom Search