Friday, August 31, 2012

Category: Naughty Jokes

QUESTION/ANSWERS
¬ Question:
“What is common between Soya beans and vibrators?”
Answer:
“Both are meat substitutes.”
¬ Question:
“Why is it inadvisable to take up with a cigar-smoking woman?”
Answer:
“Because she’s in the habit of biting the tip off.”
¬ Question
“What's the definition of ‘Indecent’?”
Answer:
“When it's in long, in hard, and in deep, it's in decent.”
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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Category: Naughty Jokes

OOPS
A guy checked into a hotel on a trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Cleopatra, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair and long graceful legs all the way up to her, well you know the kind.
So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, he'll give her a call.
"Hello?" - the woman said. Ohhhh, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking about, kinky the whole night long. You name it we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She said:
"That sounds fantastic .... but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Category: Mother-In-Law

RECANTATION
Some days ago a hobo rang our doorbell and my mother-in-law opened the door. The following conversation ensued:
“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty wine bottles?”
“Do I look, like someone who drinks wine?”
“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty vinegar bottles?”
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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Category: Mothers

BRAGGARTS
Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman told her friends:
“My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone addresses him 'Father'.”
The second Catholic woman chirped:
“My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'.”
The third Catholic crone said:
“My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'.”
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women gave her this subtle “Well...?”
So she replied:
“My son is 6' 6”, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, is terribly handsome, dresses very well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room the women gasp: ‘Oh, my God...'“
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Monday, August 27, 2012

Category: Modern Fables

WAY TO GO
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when a big, bad wolf came out from behind the trees and threatened to devour her. The poor, frightened girl begged for her life and promised to do anything he wished if he just let her go on in peace to her grandmother. The wolf had his way with her, but then tried again to devour her. Little Red Riding Hood had to promise him once again to do his bidding and once more the wolf availed himself of her. The wolf must have been very hungry, because when he was finished, he tried to devour the girl again, but this time it was she who offered to have sex with him. The wolf did his utmost and then collapsed in exhaustion. Just then a policeman passed through the forest and upon seeing what had happened, called to Little Red Riding Hood:
“Well done! Three wolves in one day!”
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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Category: Misers

INVETERATE BARGAINER
“How much is a pound of these apples.”
“As it is you Granny, you can have them free.”
“Couldn’t you set a somewhat lower price?” 
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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Category: Misers

SCOTTISH DIALOG
“Did you get my letter?”
“The one in which you asked for 10 pounds?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“No, I didn’t.”  
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Friday, August 24, 2012

Category: Misers

POPULATION CONTROL
On his birthday, the scrooge decided to go to a restaurant. The check for the plentiful meal he consumed totaled $49.70, for which he paid with a $50 bill. The busy waitress thanked him, put the money into the cash register and continued with her other duties. A little later, when she looked towards the man’s table, she saw that he was still sitting there. She went over to him and asked:
“Is there anything else you wish, Sir?”
“I am waiting for my change,” - replied the scrooge.
The waitress returned to the cash register and after a while brought a saucer with 30 cents and a small package. The scrooge put the change into his purse, opened the package and found that it contains a package of condoms.
“What is that for?” - asked the astonished man.
“I suggest that you use it,” - answered the angry waitress, - “types like you should not multiply.”    

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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

SENSE OF HUMOR
The wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."
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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

FORTUNATE

A newly married man asked his wife:
 "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," - the woman replied sweetly, - "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

REMOTE 
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice:
“That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
He said:
“I found the remote.”
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Monday, August 20, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

PROBLEM SOLVER
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

CHOICES
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes, or no."
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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss
PUZZLE
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Friday, August 17, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

THOUGH QUESTION
A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door. She went to open it and saw a man standing there. He asked the lady:
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slammed the door in disgust. The next morning she again heard a knock at the door. It was the same man and he asked the same question:
 “Do you have a vagina?”
She slammed the door again. Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told the wife in a loving and concerned voice:
“Honey I am taking tomorrow off, to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they heard a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice:
“Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it.”
 She nodded yes to her husband and opened the door. Sure enough, the same fellow was standing there and asking the same question.
“Do you have a vagina?”
“Yes” - she said...
The man replied:
“Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?”
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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss
SURE SIGN
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol' man looked at the pastor and calmly said:
"Well, she's there!"

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

HAPPY AND SAD
A guy sitting at the dinner table with his wife suddenly asked her:
“I bet that you cannot tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time”
The wife promptly replied:
“The plumber has a smaller dick than yours."
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Category: Marital Bliss

SOUND ADVICE
A man went to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked:
"What's wrong?"
The man replied:
"My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked:
"How can that be?"
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offered:
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said:
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied:
"Take the poison."
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Monday, August 13, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

QUESTION AND ANSWER
¬ Question:
“Why do women marry?”
Answer:
“Because the vibrator cannot cut the grass.”
¬ Question:
“Why are condoms not manufactured in black?
Answer:
Black makes everything look slimmer.”
¬ Question:
“How are women and rocks alike?”
Answer:
“You skip the flat ones.”
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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

NICE TRY
A man made a suggestion to his wife:
“Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?”
His wife responded with:
“Yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and watch TV.”
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Saturday, August 11, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

NO OFFENSE MEANT
“I have never encountered such impudence! I’m telling you that my wife is expecting a child and you are asking me from whom?”
“All right, take it easy. I thought you knew who the father is.”
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Friday, August 10, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

LOSS OF CONTROL
A man complained:
“I lost control of my car yesterday.”
“How did it happen?”
“My wife got her driver’s license.” 
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Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Category: Male Chauvinists

A GOOD IDEA
Asked St. Peter of God:
“Almighty Creator, what is your opinion with regards to smart women?”
“Smart women? Hmmm, not a bad idea.”
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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Category: Loonies

THE EGG AND THE CHICKEN
Three variations on the same joke. Variation three:
Psychiatrist: “What is wrong with your brother?”
Sister: “He thinks he’s a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has be been acting like a chicken?”
Sister: “For three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.”
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Monday, August 06, 2012

Category: Loonies

LIGHTING FIXTURE

Three variations on the same joke. Variation two:
“Doctor, my husband has a fixed idea that he is a lamp.”
“That is really a harmless eccentricity.”
‘Yes, but I cannot sleep when the light is on.” 
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