Monday, December 31, 2012

Category: Lawyers

VERY FAIR
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," - the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," - the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Category: In the Middle East

LET HER WORRY 
A young German blond lady, bursting with vitality, was touring Israel. She passed by a farm and took a fancy to the two brown-skinned, muscled, well-proportioned Yemenite youths working on the fields. She stopped her car and asked them if there is a place nearby where they can be alone. The young men immediately understood her intentions - after all, even country lads are not made of wood - and took her to a nearby shed. They all undressed, but before any action could be initiated, the girl took a box of prophylactics from her purse and asked:
“Do you know what these are?”
“No, we don’t,” - said both youths in unison.
“You put them on, so I won’t become pregnant.”
They did as told and the rest of the meeting evolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties involved. The tourist thanked the boys, gave them her card - in case they are ever in Germany - kissed them good-bye and went on her way.
Two days passed. The youths were again busy in the field, when one of them suddenly asked:
“Tell me, would you mind if that blonde shiksa* had any children?”
“No, not at all,” - replied his pal.
“Then let’s take this thing off. I’m dying to have a piss.”  
 
* Shiksa: A Non–Jewish girl, or woman.
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Category: Gay Liberation Front

NOT HIS DAY
While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired:
"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man said:
"Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked:
"What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day."
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Friday, December 28, 2012

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," - said the little boy.
"Hi," - replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" - asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," - answered the little girl.
"Me too," - replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" - asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," - replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," - replied the little boy.
They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," - said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," - replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," - said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and
hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," - replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked:
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Category: From the Mouths of Babes

AUCTION
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked:
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied:
"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".
Johnny, looking worried, said:
"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Category: For your Kids

PLACEBO
“I tried to use gum instead of cigarettes.”
“And with what results?”
“None whatsoever. Gum smells like hell when you light up.” 
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Category: Ethnic Stories

ENLISTED
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day and as always, Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands, as the congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him:
"You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied:
"I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned:
“How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah* and Yom Kippur*?"
Moishe whispered back:
"I'm in the secret service."
* Jewish holidays
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Monday, December 24, 2012

Category: 'English Jokes

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
¬ Question:
“What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?”
Answer:
“Close the door! I'm dressing.”
¬ Question:
“What is faster: hot or cold?”
Answer:
“Hot, because you can catch a cold.”
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Category: Ecumenical Stories

GAMBLING
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest:
"Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered:
"Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" - the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest's actions and said:
"No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked:
"Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied:
"With whom?"
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Category: Drinking Problem
BAR BET
A man walked into a bar, noticed a very large jar on the counter and saw that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guessed that there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.   He approached the bartender and asked:
"What's with the money in the jar?"  
     "Well..., you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."  
     The man certainly wasn't going to pass this up, so he asked:
"What are the three tests?"  
     "You gotta pay first," - says the bartender, - "those are the rules."
     So, after thinking it over a while, the man gave the bartender $10, which he stuffed into the jar.
     "Okay," - said the bartender, - "here's what you need to do:”
“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it." 
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." 
The man was stunned!  
"I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" 
"Your call," - said the bartender, - "but, your money stays where it is." 
As time goes on, the man had a few more drinks and finally said:
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabbed the bottle with both hands and drank it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down both his cheeks -- but he didn't make a face -- and he drank it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggered out the back door where he saw the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar heard loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! 
Just when they thought that the man surely must be dead, he staggered back into the bar. His clothes were ripped to shreds and he was bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly said:
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Friday, December 21, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

BRIEF NOTES
¬ The gynecologist returned home after a rather tiring day. He could not find his keys and had to ring the bell. When his wife opened the door, he murmured:
“Thank God, at last a face!”
¬ A lady phoned her internist:
“Doctor, have I by any chance, left my panties at the clinic?”
Upon receiving a negative answer, she muttered to herself:
“Then I must have left them at the dentist’s!”
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

COSMETIC OPERATION
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. 
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the doctor:
 "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" 
 The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." 
"And what about the third rose?"-  she asked.
“That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Category: Doctors and Patients

TEMPTING JOB
A bloke came into the Job Centre in Edinburgh and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wanted to learn more.
 "Can you give me some more details about this?" - he asked the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre oppo sorted through his files & replied:
"Oh yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No, that's the end of the queue."
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Category: C'est la Vie

UNFAIR
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center.
"Well," - one said, - "Mary has just cremated her third husband."
"Yeah, that’s the way it goes," - replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Monday, December 17, 2012

Category: Business is Business

BANKER
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him:
"Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered:
 "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said:
"Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Category: Boys and Girls

ROMANCE
He put his hand around my neck,
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Category: Boys and Girls

LEFTOVERS
A young couple was married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning came and the groom went into the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.
He asked the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she got to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly:
"What's that?" - pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said:
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked:
"Is that all we have left?"
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Friday, December 14, 2012

Category: Blondes

IN SLOW MOTION
An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the waiter:
“Hey, you wanna hear a terrific blonde joke?”
The bar immediately fell absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said:
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
        1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
        2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
        3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
        4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
        5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered:
“No...not, if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Category: At Work

LACK OF INCENTIVE
At the office New Year party, the director’s wife, with an ironic smile, said to the attractive secretary:
“How nice for you dearie, that you married at last. Since then my husband hardly ever does overtime.”
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Category: At the Restaurant

JEWISH
A waiter came over to a table full of Jewish women and asked:
"Is anything all right?"
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Category: At School

SCIENCE LESSON
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry and said:
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again:
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Molly's mouth fell open and she said to those around her:
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class:
"Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously and said:
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said:
"Very good, Jimmy." 
Then she turned to Molly and continued:
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.”
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Monday, December 10, 2012

Category: Army Stories

BAD EYES
Phil was a pacifist and did not want to bear arms against anybody. Mostly, he did not want to be in the Army. So, when his time came to be conscripted, he wore dark glasses and feigned almost total blindness. The ophthalmologist showed him various charts, but when it seemed that Phil was unable to discern even the biggest script, he was discharged from the army. To celebrate the event Phil went to the movies. During the pause in the film, when the lights came on, whom does our man see in the seat next to him, if not his eye doctor? A lesser person would have panicked, but not Phil. without missing a beat, he asked the doctor:
“Excuse me, Madam where does this bus go to?”   
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Sunday, December 09, 2012

Category: Animal World

SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".
“His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said:
"Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to its seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", turned to the man and said:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" - replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time, he placed TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent said:
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" - said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how, or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent:
"What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied:
 "He just found a bomb!"
 
 
Custom Search

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Category: Airline Stories

EMERGENCY PROCEDURES
“Pilot to Tower . . . Pilot to Tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!”
“Tower to Pilot …Tower to Pilot … repeat after me: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven…’” 
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search

Friday, December 07, 2012

Category: Afterlife

FORD AND GOD
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford:
“Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention – the assembly line – changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven.”
Ford thought about it and said:
“I want to hang out with God Himself.”
The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God:
“Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?”
God said:  “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” – said Ford, – “you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. Maintenance is very costly
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing
5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days
6. The rear end wobbles too much, and
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”
“Hmmm,” – replied God, – “hold on.”
God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” – God replied to Henry Ford, – “but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
Add to Technorati Favorites

Custom Search

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Category: Women's Lib

BRIEF ONES
¬ Question:
“Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?”
Answer:
“Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.”
¬ Question
“Why do men like big tits and a tight pussy?”
Answer:
“Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.”
¬ Question:
“How can you tell if your husband is dead?”
Answer:
“The sex is the same but you get the remote.”
Add to Technorati Favorites
Custom Search