Category: Ecumenical Stories

THE RABBI'S CHILDREN

There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd:
"Children are a gift from God," - he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said:
"Amen".

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Category: Ecumenical Stories
TEMPTATION

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.”

How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window and then I found myself trying it on," - she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," - the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," - replied his wife, - "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”
"What type of bra?" - asked the clerk.
"Type?" - inquired the man. "There's more than one type?”
"Look around," - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded:
"It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FATHER

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said:
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied:
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered:
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said:
"My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said:
"I am the Father of hundreds" - and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

MOTHER THERESA

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" - asked God.
"I could eat," - Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it.”
God sighed:
"Let's be honest Terry," - he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

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Category: Drinking Problem
STUBBORN FELLOW

A man had been drinking at the pub all night. At closing time, the man stood up to leave and fell down. He tried it once more with the same results. He figured that if he would crawl outside, maybe the fresh air would sober him up. Once on the street, he stood up and fell down. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up, but fell down again. He managed somehow to unlock the door, crawled through it and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he managed to pull himself upright, fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning he was awakened by his wife standing next to the bed and shouting:

“You pig! You have been out drinking again!!”
 “What makes you say that?” – the man asked, putting on an innocent look.
 “They called from the pub – you left your wheelchair there again.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HEADACHES

The doctor said:

"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:

"That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman:

"I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said:

"Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said:

"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said:

"Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said:

"Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said:

"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed:

"Ah ha, got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head:

"You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...

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Category: Doctors and Patients
ROOM 302

 

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital, or had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: A woman called a local hospital:

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"

The voice on the other end said:

"What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said:

"What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said:

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member, or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."

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Category: Doctors and Patients

DO YOU KNOW

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," - she replied, - "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," - said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" - he asked.
"Yes," - the woman said, - "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.
"Correct," - replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," - she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

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Category: Doctors and Patients

PRESCRIPTION

A lady walked into the drug store and asked the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asked:

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady said:
"I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" - said the druggist.
The lady then reached into her purse and pulled out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man was her husband and the lady the druggist's wife. The druggist looked at the photo and said:
"Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

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Category: Doctors and Patients

BAD ADVICE

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" – asked the doctor.
"My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" – scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."

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Category: Doctors and Patients

TURNING ADVERSITY INTO GAIN

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying:
“This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said:
“Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said:
“We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car and $3000 a month living expenses”.

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Category: Doctors and Patients
MAECENAS

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” – the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” – the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

PROBLEM SOLVED

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right over,” – pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
“You don't have to come over after all,” – the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients
WHO IS SPEAKING?

A phone call was received at the obstetrician's office:
“I need a doctor urgently” – said a frantic voice. “My wife is going to deliver any minute now. Her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” – the nurse asked.
“No, you idiot!” – the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

TESTING

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”
Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”
Mr. Smith: “That’s bad and terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”
Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

CONSULTATION

A Doctor husband and his wife had a fight at the breakfast table. The husband got up in a rage and said:

“And you are no good in bed either!” – and stormed out of the house. After a while he realized that he was nasty and decided to make amends. He rang up his home, but his wife answered the phone only after many rings. The husband became again irritated and asked: 
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She answered:
“I was in bed”.
“In bed this late, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion” – she said.

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Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.

¬ If you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.

¬ It doesn't matter whether you win or lose - until you lose.

 ¬ Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

 ¬ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 ¬ If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

¬ The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

¬ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

¬ Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

¬ Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

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Category: C'est la Vie

WRONG NUMBER

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy said:
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause:
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy said:
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
“No, this is 486-5713.....”
“Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!”

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Category: C'est la Vie

THE IRISH VIRGIN

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved and it read as follows:                       
  "RETURNED UNOPENED"

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Category: Business is Business

NIPPLES

A fellow was taking a tour of a factory that produced various latex products. At the first stop, he was shown the machine that manufactured baby-bottle nipples. The machine made a loud hiss-pop noise.

“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould,” – explained the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reached the part of the factory where condoms were manufactured. The machine made a noise:
“Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!”
“Wait a minute!” – said the man taking the tour. “I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what is that 'pop!' every so often?”
“Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” – said the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can't be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business”.

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Category: Business is Business

Actually the same joke as above, but the action and venue are completely different.

A BARGAIN

An elderly couple came to a sex therapist’s office asked him to watch their copulating technique. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said:

“As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” – and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the fee and leave. Finally the doctor asked:
“Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The man replied:
“We are not trying to find out anything. My friend here is married and we cannot go to her house, I’m married too and we cannot go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108, we do it here for $50 and I get back $43 from Medicare.”

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Category: Business is Business

COLLATERAL

A well-dressed man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told him that he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer said that the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man handed over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said:
“We were very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzled us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replied:
“Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

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Category: Boys and Girls

QUESTIONS/ANSWERS

¬ Question

 “Why do women fake orgasms?”
Answer:
“Because they think guys actually care.”
¬ Question:
“What is the difference between a person about to commit suicide and a virgin?”
Answer:
“A suicide is trying to die and a virgin is dying to try.”
¬ Question:
“What is a décolletage?”
Answer:
“A low neckline with the help of which a young woman gets herself a husband and an elderly woman pneumonia.”

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Category: Boys and Girls
PUT DOWNS

¬ “May I see you sometime in the future?”

“No. For me you are already the past.”
 ¬ “I want to make you happy!”
“Then say bye!”
 ¬ “It’s a nice dress that you’ve on.”
“Thanks, but just remember that it stays on.”
 ¬ “For your sake I would even go to the end of world.”
“Fine and would you remain there if I asked you nicely?’  

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