Category: Male Chauvinists

PERFECT MATCH

Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She had a hard time meeting men and the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote:

“Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and is excellent in bed.”

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then one day, as she was doing her laundry, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

“May I help you?” - she asked.

“I am the man of your dreams!” - said the man.

Completely baffled, she said:

“Excuse me?”

“I read your ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.”

“But are you good in bed?” - she asked.

He replied:

“How do you think I knocked on the door?!”

   

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Category: Male Chauvinists

MANPOWER PROBLEM

A young executive was looking for a secretary. About 20 girls answered the ad, but after a thorough screening process, only three applicants were left. The executive found it difficult to choose, as all three were equally proficient at their jobs. In the end he decided to test them. He gave each of the prospective secretaries $500 and told them they had complete freedom in deciding how to spend the money.

After a week he called the three and asked them what they did with the $500.

The first said that she went on a shopping spree and blew it all in one day.

The second put the sum in a savings account.        

The third invested the money in shares and made a profit of $200 in one week.

Question: “Which of the applicants got the job?”

Answer: “The one with the big tits.”

   

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Category: Male Chauvinists

NATURAL PHENOMENON

The well-endowed youth was very proud of his prodigious equipment. One sultry summer day early morning, he passed by a lake and felt very much like taking a swim. He did not have a bathing suit, but since no one was around, he quickly undressed and went skinny-dipping. The water was so cool and refreshing that he forgot himself and when he came out of the lake, other people were already on the shore.

A passerby stopped, stared in wonder and then started sniggering at the slowly emerging youth’s male organ, which seemed to be of infinite length. Only when the water reached the bather’s knees, came its tip finally into sight. The man reacted angrily at the ridicule of the onlookers:

“You ignoramuses, don’t you know it shrinks in cold water?”          

   

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Category: Male Chauvinists

THE STORY OF CREATION

The priest related the story of the creation:

“On the first day God separated the light from the darkness, on the second day the land was separated from the waters. On the third day the Almighty created the plants, on the fourth day the celestial bodies. On the fifth day He breathed life into the animals and on the sixth day he created the man and finally the woman.”

Here the priest paused for a while and then added:

“But by then God was clearly showing some signs of fatigue.”

   

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Category: Loonies

NUCLEAR ARSENAL

On New Year’s Eve, the inmates of the loony bin put on a show. The first to appear on the stage, a heavyset, huge man, clad only in his briefs, flexed his mighty muscles and declared:

“I am a hydrogen bomb!

Everybody clapped his hands. Next to come on stage was a thin, paltry fellow, stark naked, who shouted in a thin, reedy voice:

“I am an atomic bomb.”

Most of the audience got on its feet and in sheer panic escaped from the auditorium. A visitor managed to stop one of them and curiously inquired:

“A hydrogen bomb is much mightier, than an atomic bomb. Why did you run only when the second man appeared on stage?”

“Did you see how short his fuse was?” – answered the inmate and went on running.     

   

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Category: Male Chauvinists

POOR PERFORMANCE

It is said that oysters increase masculine vigor. A man seen in a restaurant with his girlfriend was polishing off a plate of these mollusks. When asked by his friends the next morning if the oysters enhanced his performance, his answer was:

“Three of the damn things did not work!” 

   

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Category: Lawyers 

STATE OF ART

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene... 

   

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Category: Lawyers

BIRDS OF FEATHER

A man walked into a bar. He saw a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said:

"Hi there good looking, how's it going?”

She turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said:

"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. And, always want more."

He said:

"No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

   

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Category: Indians

MATHEMATICALLY MINDED

In the Mohawk tribe, three pregnant women gave birth on the same day. The one who slept on horsehide gave birth to a boy; the second who slept on buffalo hide gave birth to a girl and the third who slept on a mattress made of hippopotamus hide, had twins. The young chief, who has just majored in math, described the event as follows:

“The squaw of hippopotamus is equal to the sum of squaws of the other two hides.”

   

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Category: In the Middle East 

HAS A SWEET TOOTH

Ahmed had 10 children and a small hut and as much as he liked to sleep-in late, the constant noise made by his high-spirited offspring never let him get a proper rest. One day, he returned home from work totally exhausted and thought he would catch a little shuteye before dinner. Unfortunately he could not fall asleep, because of the squabbling kids and the deafening cacophony emerging from several transistor radios - each of them set to a different station.

There is nothing like being in a desperate situation to make you focus your thoughts. In his dire need for sleep, an idea came to Ahmed, the best he had in years.

“Guys, haven’t you heard,” - he cried out, - “they’re giving away chocolates tonight at the Main Square?”

In two minutes flat, the hut was empty and blessed tranquility reigned all around. As the Main Square was at least 45 minutes walk away, Ahmed calculated that at worst, he would have one-and-half hours of undisturbed rest. He stretched out contentedly, righted his pillow, pulled his blanket over his head and was already half asleep, when a sudden thought brought him wide awake and made him jump out of bed:

“In Allah’s name, I must be the biggest fool in the world! What I am doing at home sleeping, when they are giving away chocolates at the Main Square?”

   

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Category: In the Middle East

CRUCIFIXION

A group of Israelis took a guided tour through “classic” Europe - England, France, the Benelux countries and Italy. They were in luck and had an excellent guide, who spared no effort in showing them every sight worth seeing, performing his job with such enthusiasm, as though it was the first time he was visiting these places.

At the end of the tour, the bus brought them to Fiumicino Airport, where their plane waited. While the members of the group got out of the bus, the guide stood near the door, with a big smile on his face and somehow radiating expectation. The tourists were generous in their praise, each of them stopped by him, shook his hand and warmly thanked him for his efforts. The guide appreciated the gratitude, but somehow expected a little more than that. The smile slowly froze on his lips.

“Maybe the habit of tipping is unknown in Israel,” - he thought, as he shook another outstretched hand. “Maybe I should have somehow mentioned the fact that our salaries are small and we rely on the tourists’ gratuities to complement it.”

Only one Israeli was left in the bus. He too approached the frustrated guide with an outstretched hand, but all of a sudden - as though he only now remembered it - reached into his pocket and took out a thick envelope.

“We wanted to show you our appreciation of your outstanding performance, so we all pitched in and collected a tidy sum for you. Thank you for a job well done.” 

This was a little too much for the guide and he burst out:

“I don’t know, whether or not you really crucified Jesus Christ, but you sure made him sweat!”

   

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies

REGRETS

An old lady was rocking in her rocking chair when a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” - said the old lady, - “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*POOF* —her rocking chair turned to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*POOF* —she turned into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” - asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.

“Ooh—can you change him into a handsome prince?” - she asked.

*POOF* —there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear:

“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

   

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies 

WISHFUL THINKING

A husband and wife played golf at a posh golf club. Stately homes were lined up on both sides of the golf course. It was the wife’s turn, she hit the ball and with a spectacular arch it landed directly in the enormous picture window of the nearby mansion. A loud crash ensued; the glass broke into a million pieces and then quiet resumed. The couple ran over to the house, called through the broken window, but nobody answered. They looked into the room and saw a turbaned man sitting on a couch.

“Do you live here?” - asked the wife. 

“Oh no. Just now somebody threw a stone, which broke that vase yonder and I was finally freed.”

“So you are a jinn?”

“Yes and to show you how grateful I am for releasing me, I’ll fulfill two of your wishes. I would like to keep the third wish for myself.”

After a whispered consultation the couple asked first that the husband would become the world’s best professional golf-player and secondly that they would have a million dollar yearly income. The jinn nodded and said:

“Consider it done,” - then turned to the husband - “and as for my wish, I want to sleep with your wife. I wasn’t with a woman for a thousand years and after all I just turned you into the best golfer of the world and a millionaire.”

The couple saw reason in the jinn’s arguments and agreed. The two retired into one of the bedrooms and when all was over, the jinn asked:

“My dear, how long have you been married?”

“For three years.”

“And since when do you believe in jinn tales?”

   

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

FAIRY TALE

Two pillars of the gay community passed the time of day on Washington Bridge, just watching the empty beer cans bobbing up and down in the dirty water. Suddenly, one of them pointed:

“Look at that ferry-boat!”

His surprised companion said:

“I didn’t know we have a Navy?”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

CONSENSUS

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said:

“My father is better than your father.”

The other kid said:

“Well, my mother is better than your mother.”

The first boy paused:

“I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.”

   

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Category: From The Mouths of Babes 

YOUNG ASSISTANT

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded:

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. You should smack his butt again."

   

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Category: Fron the Mouths of Babes 

NOT SO STONY

Two ten years old boys were swimming at a swimming hole. They just finished and used towels to dry off, when from the bushes they saw a naked woman go swimming in the pond. They watched for four-five minutes, when one of the boys bolted and ran away. The other boy ran after him and asked:

“Why’d you run?”

To which the first boy responded:

“My mom told me that if I ever stared at a naked lady, I’d turn to stone... and I felt it happening!”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes 

SURPRISE

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while, the boy came into the room where his father was talking with some friends. 

“Say, Pop,” - said the boy, - “the bull just fucked the brown cow”.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, ‘Excuse me’ and took his son outside. 

“Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go, watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow”.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said:

“Hey, Pop.”

“Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”

“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

MORALITY TALE

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” - she asked.

“They're mating,” - her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” - she asked.

“That's a daddy longlegs” - her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” - the little girl asked.

“No,” - her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

“Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

TATTLER

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said:

“Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....”

The mother held up her hand and said:

“Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.”

The father came home and the wife told him that she's leaving him.

“But why?” - croaked the husband.

“Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.”

“Well,” - said little Johnny, - “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob – remember?”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

REALLY PAINFUL

Two five-year-old boys were standing at the toilet to pee. One said:

“Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!”

“I've been circumcised.”

“What's that mean?”

“It means they cut the skin off the end.”

“How old were you when it was cut off?”

“My mom said I was eight days old.”

“Did it hurt?”

“You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

SERIOUS QUESTION

At Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Rabbi” - asked little Melvin, - “there's something I need to know.”

“What's that my child?” - asked the rabbi.

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Uh ... right.”

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you are correct.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”

“All that is correct,” - agreed the rabbi. “So what's your question?”

“What I need to know is this,” - demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”

  

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

PHONE CALL

“Hello, is it the Headmaster? Moishe’le is very sick and cannot come to school today.”

“Hello, who is speaking?”

“My … Dad!” - came the shaky answer. 

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Category: From The Mouths of Babes

HIDEOUS DEFORMITY

The country-girl got her period for the first time. She became very frightened, as she didn’t know what caused her bleeding, so she went to the neighbor’s boy, hoping that he could help her. The boy pulled down her panties and in a state of shock exclaimed:

“Of course you are bleeding! Someone has cut off your penis.” 

  

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

HOMEFREE           

“Is your mother home?” - the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.

“Yeah, she's home,” - the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said:

“I thought you said your mother was home.”

The kid replied:

“She is, but this isn't where I live.”

  

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