Category: Sporting World

A REAL GOLF LOVER

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green, the golfer had a ten-foot putt to win the round and the $200. Just as he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his heart and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said:

“You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration and the bet, to pay your respects.”

“It was is the least I could do, after all I was married to her for 25 years.”

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Category: Simpletons

BAD FILM

The police captain angrily questioned two policemen, who the previous evening had lost track of a break-and-enter suspect.

“What happened?” – he demanded.

“The burglar escaped into a movie-theater.”

“And why didn’t you follow him there?”

“We already saw the film.”

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Category: Simpletons

NOT MINE

As a result of an accident in the workshop, a foreman’s ear was cut off. His co-workers rushed him to the nearest hospital. The duty-surgeon examined the patient and then asked:

“Did anyone have the sense to bring the missing organ? If no time is wasted, it can be reattached and all that will remain from the accident will be an almost unnoticeable scar.”

When they all shook their heads in negation he ordered them to hasten back to the workshop and retrieve it. A short while later the ear was brought to the hospital in a plastic bag. After the blood was washed off, the injured man was asked if this is his ear.

“No,” - said the man, - “mine had a pencil behind it.” 

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Category: Simpletons

NEW SHOES

“Look darling,” – said the policeman to his wife, – “I bought myself a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately I will have to wait a few days until I can wear them.”

“Why?”

“The seller said they would be a little tight during the first few days.” 

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Category: Simpletons

VALUE-ADDED

Mary was having a lot of problems selling her old car, because it had more than 200,000 miles on it. One day, she talked of her problem to a friend. Her friend told her:

“There's a way of making the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.”

“It doesn't matter,” - replied Mary, - “if only I can sell it.”

“Okay,” - said the friend. “This the address of someone who owns a car repair shop. If you tell him that I sent you, he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”

The next week Mary took her car to the repair shop. About one month later, her friend asked her:

“Did you sell your car?”

“No,” - replied Mary, - “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

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Category: Simpletons

PAMPERING

Bill, a somewhat simple-minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went to a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him:

“Sure we can pamper you, but as to how much, depends on how much money you have.”

Looking into his wallet Bill stated:

“All I have is $10.”

Laughing, the madam exclaimed:

“Well, for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself.”

Looking a bit depressed, obviously let down having expected more, Bill went outside. After a few minutes, he returned. A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him:

“Well, what are you doing back here?!”

Bill said:

“I've finished and would like to pay.”

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Category: Simpletons

LOGICAL

Two policemen were walking on the banks of a dried out stream.

“How did all these pebbles get here?”

“They were carried by the stream.”

“And where is the stream now?”

“Probably went to fetch more pebbles.”

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Category: Simpletons

IT'S ELEMENTARY

The guard at a museum explained to a group of tourists:

“The age of these fossils here is 200 million 9 years and 5 months.” 

One of the visitors wondered:

“How is it that you know their exact age?” 

“I have been working here for 9 years and 5 months and on my first day on the job I was told that they were 200 million years old.”

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Category: Salesmen

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Said the salesman to his boss:

“I’m happy to report that I managed to sell that expensive suit we had in stock for ages..”

“You don’t say! That blue-pink double-breasted hideous outfit?

“Yeah, that’s the one.”  

“Well done. I was afraid that we’d be stuck forever with that monstrosity. But what happened to your hand?”

“The customer seemed quite happy, but his seeing-eye dog almost killed me.”

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Category: Preposterous Stories

GOOD EXCUSE

It was the first weekend’s pass that the newly enlisted men in boot camp received and they were told by the platoon sergeant to be back on Sunday, at midnight sharp. Most of the soldiers made it, but some were still missing by 12 o’clock. The first latecomer arrived at about 12:20. When asked by the platoon sergeant for the reason of his tardiness, the man explained that there were no taxis available and he had to hire a horse-drawn buggy. Even this slow means of transportation would have brought him to the base in time for the curfew, but suddenly the horse dropped dead and he had to walk the rest of way.

“It may be a lie, but at least it is an original one,” – thought the platoon sergeant and with a warning to the soldier, let it go at that. About 10 minutes later, a second latecomer staggered in. He had a similar story to tell. He also had trouble finding a taxi, hired a horse-drawn cart and his horse too had fallen by the wayside. A strange coincidence, thought the platoon sergeant, but again let the soldier go with a reprimand. It was only when the third soldier also had the same excuse that he got mad and decided to punish the last soldier if he did not have a better excuse. It was close to 1 a.m. when that one put in an appearance and before he even managed to utter a word, the platoon sergeant asked him with heavy sarcasm:

“You also came by horse and wagon?”

“Who gave you such a preposterous idea?” - protested the surprised soldier. “I came by taxi of course.”

“So why are you so late?”

“You would not believe what happened! I never saw such a thing in my life, the whole road was strewn with dead horses and the taxi just could not get through.”   

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Category: Political Jokes

MOZES 

George W. Bush Jr. was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George Bush approached the man and inquired:

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling. George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again:

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice:

"Yes I am".

George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied:

"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

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Category: Political Jokes

NOT CRAZY

At the Soviet Emigration Office:

“What are your reasons for requesting an Emigration Permit?”

“My uncle in Canada has become totally deaf and cannot manage on his own.”

“Hmm. And why doesn’t your uncle come here to live with you?”

“He is just deaf, not crazy.” 

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Category: Political Jokes
EXCECUTIVE MISCHIEF

This joke has probably been retold countless of times, always substituting the current politicians’ names. So let’s not use any names this time.

On a bright winter morning, as the President went out jogging, he was surprised to see his name spelled out in piss in the fresh snow. He was furious. After all, wasn’t he the President of the United States? He rushed back to the White House and ordered the FBI Chief to find the culprit promptly. After a few days, the FBI Chief reported back and announced to his Head of State that he had both good news and bad news.

“Give me the good news first,” - said the President. “Did you get the bastard?”

“Piece of cake! An analysis of the urine showed it was that of the Vice President.”

“If these are the good news, then for Heaven’s sake, what are the bad ones?” - demanded the President in exasperation

“The handwriting is that of your wife’s, Mr. President”.

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Category: Political

POLITICS

A little boy went to his dad and asked him, what is Politics. Dad said:

“Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, I’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that, see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy went off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed. The next morning, the little boy said to his father:

“Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father said:

“Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

“Well,” – replied the little boy – “while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

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Category: Parenting

FREE WILL

On the eve of his son’s departure to study at a university abroad, the anxious father asked:

“You will write often, won’t you son?”

“Of course I will Dad, but from time to time you can send some money on your own volition.”

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Category: On the Farm

THE IDIOT

The seasonal laborer’s old jalopy broke down in the middle of nowhere, just as night was falling. Luckily enough, he saw a small house on top of one of the distant hills, but it was pitch dark when he reached it. He knocked repeatedly and when at last a sleepy-eyed man opened the door, the laborer told him of his car-trouble and asked if he could stay overnight.

“We will gladly have you,” - answered the farmer, - “but ours is a small house and we only have two rooms. I sleep with my wife in one room, so you can either sleep in the other room with our baby, or in the stable. There is some fresh hay in there, so it will be soft and smell good.”

The traveler was tired and did not want risk sleeping with a baby, whose crying would keep him awake most of the night, so he chose the stable. In the morning, after a wonderfully restful night, he was washing up at the well, when a beautiful, young maiden emerged from the house.

“Who are you?” - asked the stranger.

“I am Baby,” - answered the girl. “And who might you be?”

“I am an idiot.”

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Category: On the Farm

POLYGLOT

The guest at the outlying homestead presented himself as a famous sorcerer who understands the language of animals. The farmer was dubious, so he took the man out to the farmyard and asked him to prove his statement. Just then the cow mewed.

“So what has my cow ‘said’?” – asked the farmer.

“It said, that it hasn’t been milked today and its udder is almost bursting.”

“That’s right,” – said the farmer – “I forgot to milk the poor beast today.”

But still he was unconvinced. At that moment the horse neighed.

“And what was it that my horse said?” – queried the farmer.

“That it has a splinter in its hoof and it’s in great pain.”  

The farmer examined the horse’s hoof and removed a great splinter from it. Now he no longer doubted that the magician really understands the language of the animals. Suddenly the bleating of the goat was heard.

“Don’t you go and believe a word of what it says!” – shouted the farmer in alarm.

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Category: On the Farm

COUP OF GRACE

Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer:

“Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine’?” - asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded:

“Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...”

“I didn't ask for any details,” - the lawyer interrupted, - “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?”

Farmer Joe said:

“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...”

The lawyer interrupted again and said:

“Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks later he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer:

“I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded:

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said: ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are YOU feeling?’”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

NEW ICE CREAM

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly:

"Crushed nuts?"

"No," - he replied, - "arthritis!"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

DOCTOR'S ADVICE

Morris, a 93 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said:

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" - Morris replied.

To which doctor said:

"I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates:

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," - answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

Two elderly people lived in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her:

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered:

"Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled:

"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say:

"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued:

"I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

ELIGIBLE

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asked:

"Are you a stranger here?"

He replied:

"I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," - he said.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said:

"I killed my wife."

"Oh!" - said the woman. "So you're single..."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

MISSING WIVES

Bill, age 20, and Sam, age 75, were pushing their carts around Home Depot, when they collided. Sam said to Bill:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Bill said:

"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Sam said:

"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

Bill answered:

"Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

Sam replied:

"Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours."

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Category: Nouveau Riche

MAGNANIMOUS SOUL

One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked:

“And what about the three wishes?”

Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered: 

“All right, you may wish something.”

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