Category: In the Middle East

YES-MEN

Complained the Middle East dictator:

“Why is it said that I am surrounded by ‘Yes-men’. When I say ‘NO’, everybody else says ‘NO’.”  

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Category: In the Middle East

ASKING IS LEARNING

On one of his journeys across the desert, the Bedouin took his young son with him, so that he would learn something of the desert lore. As they set off at dawn, the boy asked:

“Tell me Baba, why does the sun rise every day on this side and set on that side?”

The Bedouin scratched his head through his kaffiyeh* and said thoughtfully:

“I truly don’t know. I never really thought of it.”

In the evening they reached an oasis and quenched their thirst from the spring beneath the palms. The inquisitive child had another question:

“Baba, why is it, that everything is dry all around and only here water comes out of the earth?”   

“A good question, but I don’t know the answer. It was always like that, even during our ancestors’ days.”

At night, when they the lied under their blankets, the boy looked up at the star-studded sky and wondered aloud:

“Do you know Baba, what the stars are?”

“No, Son,” - replied his father, - “I really have no idea.”

At the end of their journey, the boy said to his parent:

“I hope I did not bother you too much with my questions and that you will take me again.”

“You did not bother me at all,” - replied the Bedouin, - “you should ask questions. How else would you acquire knowledge?”

* Kaffiyeh: A cloth headdress fastened by a band around the crown and usually worn by Arab men.

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Category: Genies, Jinns & Fairies

ALWAYS ON THE CALL

Remember the DDR, the East German Republic? And remember Erich Honneker, the greatly hated leader of this now defunct state? He played an important part in many a joke, recounted with relish, in those not-so-long-ago days in Eastern Europe. 

Shortly before retiring for the night, Brezhnev was having a few drinks of vodka, when suddenly a genie appeared at his bedside. Before the astonished Communist leader could summon his guards, the apparition declared:

“Do not fear mortal! I am here to fulfill three of your wishes.”

Brezhnev did not really believe in spirits, but played along and to test the apparition’s credibility, wished that his bed would turn into a waterbed. Even before he finished speaking, his heavy body was immersed in the soft contours of the latest in waterbed models from California. His second wish was to convert his Kremlin bedroom, into an American-style suite. No sooner was his wish uttered, than it became a reality and he found himself in a luxurious, air conditioned apartment, complete with a well-equipped bar, TV wall, stereo, exercise-bicycle, etc. Brezhnev did not have to think long. His last wish was to have a nubile, voluptuous maiden at his side on the bed. As he saw the curvaceous form, languorously reclining on the pillow next to him, he could not help himself, but sighing out loudly:

“Now all I need is a good schmuck!”

Just as he finished his words, a knock sounded and Erich Honneker appeared at the door:

“Did you call, Boss?”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front
CLOSE FIT

“When I get home, I’ll rip off my wife’s undies.”

“Why, are you that horny?”

“No, they just feel too tight.”

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

INNOCENT PASSERBY

A man, with a scratched face and torn clothing, came limping into the police station. He complained that the previous evening, while taking a stroll in Central Park, two men jumped him, raped him and for good measure, beat him up too. The police sergeant looked him over curiously and asked:

“But you are a strong, young man. Why didn’t run away?”

“Have you ever tried running in high-heels?”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

PSYCHOLOGY

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying:

"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

KNOWLEDGEABLE

A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. She stood next to the barber chair, while her dad got his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber said to her:

“Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”

She said,

“Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobies too.”

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Category: For Your Kids

FAMOUS LAST SENTENCES

“Tom, throw me the hammer.”

“Have no fear! The ice is quite thick.”

“What could be the purpose of this button here?’

“Nonsense my dear, there are no sharks in these waters.”

“Somebody is going to get hurt doing that.”

“Look how cute these porpoises are!”

Patient in hospital: “I’m feeling much better.”

     Biologist: “This type of snake isn’t poisonous.”

     Captain: “This ship is unsinkable.”

     Bicyclist: “Look, no hands!”

     Jack-of-all-trades: “This shelf should hold.”

     Inventor: “Let’s try it!”

     Computer: “Are you sure? (Y/N).”

     Prehistoric man: “I wonder what is in that cave?”

     Guest in restaurant: “I chose the fried mushrooms.”

     Electrician: “Of course I removed the fuse.”

     Watchman: “Is anybody there?”

     Policeman: “This was his 6^th shot. His gun must be empty.”

     Animal-tamer: “These lions have been fed.”

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Category: For Your Kids

SO FAR, SO GOOD

A man jumped off the top floor of the Empire State building. As he was plunging past the 70th floor, somebody stuck his head out one of the windows and asked the falling man:

“Hey man, how are you?”

“So far, so good!” - came the answer.

(This is the end of Joke One, but it has a continuation).

The building was high and the fall long. While the man was descending, a crowd gathered below. Luckily enough, our man fell into a bush and nothing worse happened to him, than a few insignificant scratches. Just when he got up and brushed himself off, a policeman arrived and asked him:

“What the hell is happening here?”

“I don’t know,” - answered the man. “I just got here.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

AHMED AND HAMID

 Ahmed and Hamid were both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drove a Mercedes, lived in a mortgage-free house and had a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brought in 2 to 3 dollars a day. One day Hamid asked Ahmed how he managed to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed said:

“Look at your sign. It says, ‘I have no work, a wife and six kids to support’. Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family, whether they give you money or not! Now look at my sign!”

So Hamid looked and Ahmed's sign read:

“I only need another $100 to move back to Lebanon!” 

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

THE LUCKY ONE

Rivka went to her rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi," - she said - "Both Abe and Sol are in love with me. Both want to marry
me and I have to pick... Who will be the lucky one?"

The rabbi looked at her and replied:

"Abe will marry you and Sol will be the lucky one."

 

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Category: Ethnic Stories

NAVIGATION PROBLEM

A tourist from Japan was walking the streets of Manhattan. He was trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. At last he stopped an elderly Jewish-Polish woman and asked:

"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"

"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"

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Category: Ethnic Jokes

PROBABLY TRUE TOO

A Somali arrived in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stopped the first person he saw walking down the street and said:

 “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!”

The passerby said:

“You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”

The man went on and encountered another passerby.

“Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!”

The person said:

“I not American, I am a Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walked further and stopped the next person he saw, shook his hand and said:

“Thank you for the wonderful America!”

That person put up his hand and said:

“I am from the Middle East, I am not an American!'

Finally he saw a nice lady and asked:

“Are you an American?”

She said:

“No, I am from Africa!”

Puzzled, he asked her:

“Where are all the Americans?”

The African lady checked her watch and said:

“Probably at work!”

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Category: 'English' Jokes

ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

During the workweek at lunchtime, a secretary used to frequent the same restaurant, located conveniently near her office. She soon noticed another permanent guest of the establishment, wearing a nice carrot in his left ear. Being an Englishwoman who does not meddle in other people’s affairs, she did not comment on the unusual ear-wear and after finishing her meal went quietly on her way.

Then one day, the man came in with a fresh green cucumber in his ear. This time the girl’s curiosity overcame her usual reticence and she turned to the man:

“Excuse me for my impertinence, but I could not help noticing that you have a cucumber in your ear.”

“I am really sorry,” – replied the man, – “but I just could not get a carrot at the greengrocer’s today.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

DAMNED GOOD

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said:

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said:

"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said:

"I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said:

"No shit?"

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

JEWISH STAMPS

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She said to the clerk:

"May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk said:

"What denomination?"

"Oh my G_d," - the woman said, - "has it come to this? Give me 16 Orthodox, 22 Conservative and 12 Reform."

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Category: Drinking Problem

PAPER JOB

 A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:

“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

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Category: Drinking Problem

DIFFERENT TREATMENT

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem  Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked:

"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him:

"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state:

"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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Category: Drinking Problem

A SUFFERING FELLOW

A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

“What'll ya have?” – he asked.

“Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

BRIEF ONES

¬ Question:

“Why does the gynecologist use two fingers during his examination?”

 Answer:

“He wants a second opinion.”

¬ Question:

“What is it? Has a wet nose and wears spectacles?”

Answer:

“A shortsighted gynecologist.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

THE ENVIROMENTALIST

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see of he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded:

"What took you so long?"

He smiled and than told her:

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

  THE DRUGGIST

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

“It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

“Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued:

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients
BEHIND THE MASK

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appeared to give him a partial sponge bath.  

"Nurse", - he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied:

"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again:

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that something might happen to him from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.  She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she took a close look and said:

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......  A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

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Category: Doctors and Patients

PERCEPTIVE DIAGNOSTICIAN

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained:

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said:

"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said:

"You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half a dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick,"

"Huh," - the younger doctor said, - "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately,"

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," - the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps,"

As they left, the elder doc said:

"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

¬ God must love stupid people, he made so many.

¬ If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

¬ I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

¬ We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

¬ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

¬ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

¬ Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

¬ Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

¬ A pessimist is an experienced optimist.

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