Thursday, January 31, 2013

Category: Ecumenical Stories

SQUIRRELS
There were five religious institutions in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Catholic church and the Jewish synagogue. Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Category: Doctors and Patients

THE HARLEY MECHANIC AND THE CARDIOLOGIST
 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:
“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:
“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Category: Doctors and Patients

HOLE
London – at a gynecological clinic. A lady was being examined in the gynecological chair, but her doctor was just shaking his head.
“It is quite evident… Bern. I’m going to get my colleague.”
They both had a good look and the other specialist also uttered:
“Typical Bern. We must show this case to the department head."
The professor nodded his head in assent:
“Definitively Bern! You don’t see such a phenomenon very often.”
The terrified patient whispered:
“Tell me please Doctor, what does it mean for me? What kind of diagnosis is ‘Bern?”
“Clearly, you have never been in Bern. It is a terrible hole.”
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Monday, January 28, 2013

Category: Business is Business

CUSTOMER SERVICE
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the bank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member:  "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Category: Boys and Girls

ELEVEN MINUTES
A cop patrolling late at night in a well-known spot saw a couple in a car, with the interior light dimly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window:
"Uh, yes, officer?"
 The cop said:
"What are you doing?"
 The young man says:
"Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged:
"Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asked:
"What's your age, young man?"
The young man said
"I'm 22, sir."
 The cop asked:
"And her ... what's her age?"
 The young man looked at his watch and replied:
 "She'll be 18 years old in 11 minutes and 22 seconds!!! 
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Saturday, January 26, 2013

Category: Boys and Girls

ORGAN PLAYERS
While making love together for the first time, Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and laid back.
“What’s wrong?” – he demanded.
“Forgive me,” – she said, – “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough.
“Forgive me,” – Joe replied, – “but it wasn’t meant to be played in a cathedral.“
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Friday, January 25, 2013

Category: Blondes

PAINTING THE PORCH
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” - he said. “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded:
“How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband:
“Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house.”
He responded:
“That's a bit cynical, isn't it?”
 The wife replied:
“You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.”
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You're finished already?” - the startled husband asked.
 “Yes, - the blonde replied, - and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
 “And by the way,” - the blonde added,- “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”
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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Category: At Work

MATHEMATICAL HELP
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said:
"You graduated from the University of Kentucky, I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied:
"Everything but my earrings."
And that's exactly why he hired her!
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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Category: Army Stories

THE JOKE IS ON YOU
At a military training facility, the parachutist-trainees were scheduled to jump out of a plane for the first time in their life. The training officer gave some heavy-handed “assistance” to those who developed cold feet at the door of the plane. One soldier in particular put up more than a token resistance, holding on with all his strength to the door’s edges, kicking, fighting, swearing until at considerable effort the officer managed to push him out. Another trainee burst out into loud laughter.
“What is so funny in that I helped a coward to make up his mind?” – asked the officer.
“That was our pilot!” – said the other wiping off his streaming tears. 
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Monday, January 21, 2013

Category: Animal Stories

HORSE SENSE
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice:
"It's your fuel pump."
The man rose up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" - he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated:
"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" - he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked:
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," - the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative.
"Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," - said the rancher, "because that black horse doesn't know a thing about cars.
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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Category: Aircraft Stories

IDENTITY CRISIS

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted:
“Let's go!”
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” - said the photographer - “and make several low-level passes.”
“Why?” - asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I'm going to take pictures!” - yelled the photographer. “I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
After a long pause, the “pilot” replied:
“You mean, you're not my instructor?”

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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Category: Women's Lib

FAIR CHANCE
The young woman was holding on to her strap on the bus when from behind she suddenly felt a man’s body clinging to hers quite closely. The bus was crowded, but not that crowded. She turned around and asked:
“Tell me, do you want to screw me?”
“No,” – replied her startled fellow passenger, – “I have no such intention.”
“Then please move away and give somebody else a chance.”
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Friday, January 18, 2013

Category: Viagra

REJUVENATION
The physician asked the elderly patient:
“Have the Viagra pills I prescribed been of any help?”
“Beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like a 20-year-old,” - enthused the old fellow.
“And what is your wife’s opinion?”    
“I don’t know. I haven’t been home for two weeks.”
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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Category: Tax Matters

ROLL MODEL
An old Catholic priest was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed, grasped their hands, sighed contentedly and stared at the ceiling.
For a time no one said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments, but they were puzzled, because the priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally the lawyer asked:
“Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?
The old priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly:
Jesus died between two thieves… and that is just how I want to go too”.
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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Category: Straight from the Hip

ASSHOLES
Two Englishmen businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other:
"I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek and in a thick Irish accent asked:
"What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of them replied sarcastically:
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said:
 "You are doing well .. only two left!"

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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Category: Sporting World

IT'S GREAT TO BE IN SPORTS
Two men were chatting in the pub.
“Why is your face so gloomy?” - asked one.
“I am fed up with my job” - answered his companion.
“What is it that you do for a living?”    
“I am responsible for the washrooms at the Sports Hall.”
“Is the salary so bad?”
“It is not the money, it is the people. Every evening I clean the damn place, until it is spick-and-span, put in clean towels, fresh toilet paper and every morning it looks like a pigsty. No consideration at all!”
“And how long have you been doing this job?”
“30 years.” 
“Then why don’t you just quit it?”
“What! And abandon the glamour of the sports-world?”
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Monday, January 14, 2013

Category: Sporting World

TEEING OFF
Tiger Woods drove his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Cork manner, unaware as to who the golf pro was:
“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.
As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.
“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.
“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.
What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.
“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.
 Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”
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Sunday, January 13, 2013

Category: Simpletons

WHICH ONE?
A rookie policeman was calling up his station on his pocket radio:
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” - he reported. “A man has been robbed I’ve got one them.”
“Which one?” - asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Category: Political Jokes

GATORS
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:
"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't gert it."
"Well," - said the big 'gator, - what you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," - replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" - said the big alligator, - "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.
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Friday, January 11, 2013

Category: Parenting

NOT ENLIGHTENED
The conservative parents did not enlighten their daughter about the facts of life. They presumed that nature would have its way and when her time came, she would just instinctively follow her husband’s lead. The day after the daughter’s wedding, in the early morning hours, the doorbell rang long and hysterically at the family’s home. When the mother opened the door, there stood her puffy eyed and distraught daughter.
“What happened, dearest?” – asked the worried mother.
“I left that no-good jerk. You can't imagine what a disgusting thing he wanted to do to me!”
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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Category: On the Farm

RANDY
This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer said:
“Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk first.
“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun.”
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot.  - WHAM!  - Randy nailed every hen in the hen house three, or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy was in there. Later, the farmer saw Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM!  He got all the geese.
By sunset he saw Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed and waked up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said:
“Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”
Randy opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said:
“Shhh, they're getting closer!” 
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Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Category: Nouveau Riche

THANK GOD
A golden Rolls Royce rolled to a stop before the exclusive “Fountainenbleu” Hotel in Miami. Out stepped a lady in a mink coat, the jewelry on her neck and hands dazzling in the afternoon sunshine. She requested the doorman to send out some men and carry her husband into the lobby. It took four strong bellboys to deposit the corpulent man in a comfortable armchair. As they pocketed their generous tip, one of them asked the wife pityingly:
“Can’t the poor guy walk at all?”
“Of course he can, but thank God, he doesn’t have to!”
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Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Category: Naughty Jokes

MIND OVER MATTER
A well-dressed lady entered a lingerie shop:
“Good day, do you have any sexy lingerie?”
“What did you have on your mind, concretely?”
“Concretely, copulating is on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some underwear.” 
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Monday, January 07, 2013

Category: Mother-In-Law

EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME
The farmer was working in his garden when his neighbor came running:
“Come quickly, your mother-in-law has dropped dead!”
“I have to finish here first. Work comes before pleasure.” 
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Sunday, January 06, 2013

Category: Mothers

CABBIES
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally found a cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother:
“Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replied:
“Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.”
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said:
“Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!”
A brief period of silence followed and the girl then asked:
“Mummy, do the ladies have any children?”
The mother replied:
“Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?” 
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