Category: Preposterous Stories

GOOD EXCUSE

It was the first weekend’s pass that the newly enlisted men in boot camp received and they were told by the platoon sergeant to be back on Sunday, at midnight sharp. Most of the soldiers made it, but some were still missing by 12 o’clock. The first latecomer arrived at about 12:20. When asked by the platoon sergeant for the reason of his tardiness, the man explained that there were no taxis available and he had to hire a horse-drawn buggy. Even this slow means of transportation would have brought him to the base in time for the curfew, but suddenly the horse dropped dead and he had to walk the rest of way.

“It may be a lie, but at least it is an original one,” – thought the platoon sergeant and with a warning to the soldier, let it go at that. About 10 minutes later, a second latecomer staggered in. He had a similar story to tell. He also had trouble finding a taxi, hired a horse-drawn cart and his horse too had fallen by the wayside. A strange coincidence, thought the platoon sergeant, but again let the soldier go with a reprimand. It was only when the third soldier also had the same excuse that he got mad and decided to punish the last soldier if he did not have a better excuse. It was close to 1 a.m. when that one put in an appearance and before he even managed to utter a word, the platoon sergeant asked him with heavy sarcasm:

“You also came by horse and wagon?”

“Who gave you such a preposterous idea?” - protested the surprised soldier. “I came by taxi of course.”

“So why are you so late?”

“You would not believe what happened! I never saw such a thing in my life, the whole road was strewn with dead horses and the taxi just could not get through.”   

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Category: Ethnic Stories

ACCURATE DESCRIPTION

A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:

“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”

“John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.

“John who?”

The two shrugged:

“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”

“So maybe you can tell me his address?”

Another shrug.

“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”

The sergeant tried another track:

“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”

“We don’t know. We never asked.”

Now the policeman became really exasperated.

“Is there anything you do know?”

The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:

“We know that John had two schmucks.”

“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.

“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:

“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”

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Category: Army Stories TACTFUL MAN

The C.O. called in his platoon sergeant and showed him a fax, advising that Jones’s parents had been killed in an accident involving a steamroller. He entrusted him to break the news to the bereaved soldier, “as gently as possible.” The sergeant thought for a while about the best way to carry out his delicate mission and then ordered the platoon into formation and commanded:

“Attention! Soldiers whose parents were squashed by a steamroller, take one step forward!”

Of course, none of the soldiers budged and the sergeant thundered again:

“Private First Class Jones, don’t you understand a direct command when you hear one?”

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