Category: Drinking Problem

A SUFFERING FELLOW

A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

“What'll ya have?” – he asked.

“Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories
NOT DEAF 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car weaved violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," - said the cop to the driver, - where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," - slurred the drunk.

"Well," said the cop, - "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," - the drunk said with a smile.

"Did you know," - said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, - "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," - sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Category: Ethnic Stories

GROUP FARE

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met:

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said:

"I do Father."

The priest said:

"Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man:

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," - was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked:

"Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

"No, I don't Father”.

The priest said:

"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said:

 "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Category: Drinking Problem
STUBBORN FELLOW

A man had been drinking at the pub all night. At closing time, the man stood up to leave and fell down. He tried it once more with the same results. He figured that if he would crawl outside, maybe the fresh air would sober him up. Once on the street, he stood up and fell down. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up, but fell down again. He managed somehow to unlock the door, crawled through it and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he managed to pull himself upright, fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning he was awakened by his wife standing next to the bed and shouting:

“You pig! You have been out drinking again!!”
 “What makes you say that?” – the man asked, putting on an innocent look.
 “They called from the pub – you left your wheelchair there again.”

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Category: Animal World

DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:
“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”
He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.
“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”
“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”
“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

ACCURATE DESCRIPTION

A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:

“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”

“John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.

“John who?”

The two shrugged:

“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”

“So maybe you can tell me his address?”

Another shrug.

“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”

The sergeant tried another track:

“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”

“We don’t know. We never asked.”

Now the policeman became really exasperated.

“Is there anything you do know?”

The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:

“We know that John had two schmucks.”

“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.

“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:

“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

FLIP-FLOP

“My husband flips a coin every night, so he can decide whether to go to the pub, or not. If it comes up heads, he goes.”

“And if it comes up tails?”

“Then he flips it again.

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Category: Marital Bliss

HOME, SWEET HOME

John was quite drunk when he at last managed to drag himself out of the pub. Taking his first steps on the dark street, he lurched against a corpulent female. The woman reacted angrily to this sudden onslaught and slapped him mightily. John looked around wonderingly:

“This time I made it home real quick.”

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Category: Animal Stories DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:

“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”

He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.

“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”

“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”

“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Drinking Problem A SUFFERING FELLOW A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. “What'll ya have?” – he asked. “Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”

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Category: Marital Bliss FLIP-FLOP “My husband flips a coin every night, so he can decide whether to go to the pub, or not. If it comes up heads, he goes.” “And if it comes up tails?” “Then he flips it again. YES, DEAR The husband looked up from his newspaper: “Did you say anything sweetie?” “I did, but that was yesterday.”

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Category: Drinking Problem STUBBORN FELLOW A man had been drinking at the pub all night. At closing time, the man stood up to leave and fell down. He tried it once more with the same results. He figured that if he would crawl outside, maybe the fresh air would sober him up. Once on the street, he stood up and fell down. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up, but fell down again. He managed somehow to unlock the door, crawled through it and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he managed to pull himself upright, fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning he was awakened by his wife standing next to the bed and shouting: “You pig! You have been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” – the man asked, putting on an innocent look. “They called from the pub – you left your wheelchair there again.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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