Category: C'est la Vie

SIAMESE TWINS

Siamese twins walked into a bar in Canada and parked themselves on a bar stool. One of them said to the bartender:

 "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tried to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," - said John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

Jim agreed.

 "Ah, England !" said the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," said John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" - asked the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded:

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied:

"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

   

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Category: Animal World

DINNER COMPANION

A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:
“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”
He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.
“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”
“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”
“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded:
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied:
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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Category: Ethnic Stories

LOST AT SEA

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out:
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television and told his wife:

“Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighed and got him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he said:

“Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said:

“Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife was furious. She yelled at him:

“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .”

The man sighed and said:

“It’s started.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

VANILLA ICE CREAM

Said the pensioner to his wife:

“I am stepping out to fetch a six-pack of beer. I shall not be long.”

“Be a dear and write yourself a note to get me a big cone of vanilla ice cream.”

“Oh, I will not forget such a simple request,” - said the husband.

“No, no,” - insisted his spouse, - “you must write it down. You know how forgetful you have become. Besides, I want it topped with some whipped cream.”

“Big deal,” - retorted the man angrily, - “one big cone of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream. That much even I am able to remember.”

He left and after a while came back carrying a box. His wife opened the box and saw that it contained a big Mac.

“You see, I told you to write it down,” - triumphed the wife, - “you forgot the French fries!”

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Category: Boys and Girls SON-IN-LAW

The hapless maiden did not have a boyfriend, so she bought herself a vibrator. She was just putting it through its paces, when her father walked in on her.

“And what is my baby-girl doing?” - asked the doting father.

“You know Daddy that I don’t have a lover, so I’m pleasing myself with this little gadget.”

The old man muttered, but knew well how strong desire can be and left wordlessly. The next day the girl came home from work and saw her father sitting in the kitchen, with two bottles of beer and the vibrator on the table before him.

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Just having a beer with my son-in-law.”

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