Category: Sporting World

GOLF GUN

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of one Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

    "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Category: Afterlife

HEALTHY LIFE

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked:

“What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply:

“This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man looked at his wife and said:

“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies 

WISHFUL THINKING

A husband and wife played golf at a posh golf club. Stately homes were lined up on both sides of the golf course. It was the wife’s turn, she hit the ball and with a spectacular arch it landed directly in the enormous picture window of the nearby mansion. A loud crash ensued; the glass broke into a million pieces and then quiet resumed. The couple ran over to the house, called through the broken window, but nobody answered. They looked into the room and saw a turbaned man sitting on a couch.

“Do you live here?” - asked the wife. 

“Oh no. Just now somebody threw a stone, which broke that vase yonder and I was finally freed.”

“So you are a jinn?”

“Yes and to show you how grateful I am for releasing me, I’ll fulfill two of your wishes. I would like to keep the third wish for myself.”

After a whispered consultation the couple asked first that the husband would become the world’s best professional golf-player and secondly that they would have a million dollar yearly income. The jinn nodded and said:

“Consider it done,” - then turned to the husband - “and as for my wish, I want to sleep with your wife. I wasn’t with a woman for a thousand years and after all I just turned you into the best golfer of the world and a millionaire.”

The couple saw reason in the jinn’s arguments and agreed. The two retired into one of the bedrooms and when all was over, the jinn asked:

“My dear, how long have you been married?”

“For three years.”

“And since when do you believe in jinn tales?”

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded:
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied:
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

BETTING

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said:
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said:
"No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro asked:
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation", - the priest replied. "And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

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Category: Marital Bliss

SMALL WORLD

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said:

“Small world!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

GIVING IT UP

A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself:

“I'd give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walked up to him and whispered

“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said:

“OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself:

“Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said:

“Sure.”

And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win.

Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer said:

“Certainly.”

And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said:

“You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FOOLING AROUND God and St. Peter went golfing. By throwing up a coin it was resolved that God would be the first to go.

God hit the ball.

The ball was swallowed in midair by a pigeon.

A hawk swooped down on the pigeon.

The hawk was hit by lightning and its carcass fell down to the earth.

A fox ate the carcass and then went over to the hole and shit the ball in.

Asked the exasperated St. Peter:

“Now look here, are we playing golf, or just fooling around?”

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Category: Ethnic Jokes ENNUI

The English lord was showing his French acquaintance around his estate.

“This here is my golf course.”

“And how often do you play?”

“I tried it once, but found that it was boring.”

They went on.

“These are my stables.”

“Do you ride a lot?”

“Once I took one of my horses for a ride, but found that it was quite boring.”

They went on and encountered a young boy.

“This is my son.”

“I guess that it’s your only child.”

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Category: Marital Bliss SMALL WORLD

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said:

“Small world!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories GIVING IT UP

A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself:

“I'd give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walked up to him and whispered

“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said:

“OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself:

“Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”

The same stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said:

“Sure.”

And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win.

Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said:

“Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer said:

“Certainly.”

And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said:

“You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”

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Category: Viagra GOLFER

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked:

"How many?"

The man replied:

"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said:

"That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.”

The old fellow said:

"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

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Category: Sporting World SEDUCTION SCENE A sport-slanted variation of a delightful little story:

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for ten years, saw an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” - he thought to himself. As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf came this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the stunned guy and asked:

“How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” - he said.

She reached over, unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it and after taking a long drag and sighed:

“Man, oh man! Is that ever good!”

She then asked him:

“How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”

Trembling, he replied:

“Ten years!”

She unzipped the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. The man opened the flask, took a long swig and said:

“Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

The woman then started slowly unzipping the long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit, looked at him seductively and asked:

“And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replied:

“Oh sweet Lord God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

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Category: Sporting World GOLF GUN

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of one Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Ecumenical Stories THE GOLFING PREACHER There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said: “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty meters away. A perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said: “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.” The Lord smiled: “Think about it – who can he tell?”

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Category: Sporting World TEEING OFF

Tiger Woods drove his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Cork manner, unaware as to who the golf pro was:

“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.

As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.

“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.

What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.

“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.

Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”

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Category: Sporting World THOUGH GOING

“Did you and Fred have a good game, dear?”

“Did we heck. Half way up the fourth fairway Fred keeled over with a heart attack. After that, all the way it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies WISHFUL THINKING

A husband and wife played golf at a posh golf club. Stately homes were lined up on both sides of the golf course. It was the wife’s turn, she hit the ball and with a spectacular arch it landed directly in the enormous picture window of the nearby mansion. A loud crash ensued; the glass broke into a million pieces and then quiet resumed. The couple ran over to the house, called through the broken window, but nobody answered. They looked into the room and saw a turbaned man sitting on a couch. “Do you live here?” - asked the wife. “Oh no. Just now somebody threw a stone, which broke that vase yonder and I was finally freed.” “So you are a jinn?” “Yes and to show you how grateful I am for releasing me, I’ll fulfill two of your wishes. I would like to keep the third wish for myself.” After a whispered consultation the couple asked first that the husband would become the world’s best professional golf-player and secondly that they would have a million dollar yearly income. The jinn nodded and said: “Consider it done,” - then turned to the husband - “and as for my wish, I want to sleep with your wife. I wasn’t with a woman for a thousand years and after all I just turned you into the best golfer of the world and a millionaire.” The couple saw reason in the jinn’s arguments and agreed. The two retired into one of the bedrooms and when all was over, the jinn asked: “My dear, how long have you been married?” “For three years.” “And since when do you believe in jinn tales?”

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