Category: Sporting World

GOLF GUN

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of one Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

    "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Category: Doctors and Patients

HOLE

London – at a gynecological clinic. A lady was being examined in the gynecological chair, but her doctor was just shaking his head.

“It is quite evident… Bern. I’m going to get my colleague.”

They both had a good look and the other specialist also uttered:

“Typical Bern. We must show this case to the department head."

The professor nodded his head in assent:

“Definitively Bern! You don’t see such a phenomenon very often.”

The terrified patient whispered:

“Tell me please Doctor, what does it mean for me? What kind of diagnosis is ‘Bern?”

“Clearly, you have never been in Bern. It is a terrible hole.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“Why does the promiscuous lady have a lighted candle in her navel?”        

Answer:

“Her lover likes to eat by candlelight.”

¬ Question:

 “Why did Elisabeth Arden?”

Answer:

“Because Max Factor.”

¬ Question:

 “Do you think sex is dirty?”

Answer:

 “Yes, if you do it right.”

¬ Question:

“What is the difference between a nun and a bathing woman.

 Answer:

“The nun’s soul is full of hope, whereas the bathing lady’s hole is full of soap.” 

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Category: Naughty Jokes

RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF

1.    Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2.    Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.    Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4.    For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5.    Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6.    The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7.    It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

8.    Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9.    Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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Category: Blondes

ICE FISHING

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said:
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied:
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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Category: Marital Bliss

GOLFING ACCIDENT

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:

"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

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Category: In the Middle East

SHE SHOULD KNOW

At the Israeli border settlement, the furnishings were primitive, to say the least. In the shower-shed, made of galvanized metal, there was a hole in the wall dividing the female shower-booths from the male ones, strategically located so that only the lower part of the body could be seen. From time to time, both sexes used the hole, as circumstances warranted.
One day, just as three female members of the settlement were showering, they heard the door on the other side of the wall open and a lone man came in. That was the opportunity they were waiting for. Each woman took turns bending down to peek through the hole. The first woman commented in a whisper:
“It is not my husband.”
Her companion agreed:
“Of course it is not your husband.”
It was the third woman who clinched the matter:
“He is not from our settlement at all.”

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Category: Afterlife

THE CATCH

A pair of identical twin brothers lived in a certain town. One lived a godly life, was a good husband and father, a reputable businessman and did lots of community service. The other cheated and lied, was a hell-raiser, a drunkard, unfaithful to his wife and mean to his kids. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in Heaven and could look down on his bad twin in Hell. The place was not as he imagined. He saw his brother drinking, partying and dancing, having beautiful women, with lots of passionate kissing going on. The good twin went up to St Peter and said:

“Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.”

St Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said:

“My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FOOLING AROUND God and St. Peter went golfing. By throwing up a coin it was resolved that God would be the first to go.

God hit the ball.

The ball was swallowed in midair by a pigeon.

A hawk swooped down on the pigeon.

The hawk was hit by lightning and its carcass fell down to the earth.

A fox ate the carcass and then went over to the hole and shit the ball in.

Asked the exasperated St. Peter:

“Now look here, are we playing golf, or just fooling around?”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories THE GOLFING PREACHER There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said: “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty meters away. A perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said: “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.” The Lord smiled: “Think about it – who can he tell?”

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