Category: Loonies

FISHY STORY

Three variations on the same joke. Variation one:

A wife complained to her friend:

“My husband sits all day long in the bathroom tub and fishes.”

“Have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?”

“Not yet…the truth is, I’m crazy about fish.”

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Category: Nouveau Riche

MAGNANIMOUS SOUL

One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked:

“And what about the three wishes?”

Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered: 

“All right, you may wish something.”

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Category: Marital Bliss 

REAL ASSET

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven said:

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sipped his beer and said:

"You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

   

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Category: Ethnic Stories

DUMB WHITE MAN
 

Chief Two Eagles was asked by one government official:

"Chief, you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued:

"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes,

No debt,

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver,

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled:

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
 

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Category: Blondes

ICE FISHING

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said:
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied:
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

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Category: Nouveau Riche 
MAGNANIMOUS SOUL

"One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked:
“And what about the three wishes?”
Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered:
“All right, you may wish something.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:

"Up or down?"

The woman replied:

"Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

She replied:

"Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked:

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied:

"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

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Category: Salesmen EXCELLENT SALESMANSHIP

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the country - you could get anything there. The boss asked him:

“Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in my hometown,” - said the lad.

The boss liked him and said:

“You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked:

“How many sales did you make today?”

“One,” - said the young salesman.

“Only one?” - blurted the boss, - “most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars,” - said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” - asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” - said the salesman - “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment:

“You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” - answered the salesman. “Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Sounds like the weekend is a loss, so you may as well go fishing.’”

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