Category: Straight from the Hip

PARTLY USED

A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him:

"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"

To which the new husband replied:

"It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."

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Category: Lawyers

VERY FAIR

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," - the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," - the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Category: Viagra

OVERKILL

The family physician met Moishe’le on the street. The boy looked quite troubled.

“How are things at home?” - asked the good doctor.

“My folks are divorcing,”- answered Moishe’le.

“For Heavens’ sake why? They seem such a nice couple.”

“I overheard them talking that my father has become impotent.”

“This is not a problem these days, Moishe’le. Take these pills and give your Dad one each every three days.”

Moishe’le hurried home gratefully. He tried to memorize the exact dosage and kept repeating to himself - 'one pill every three days, one pill every three days,' - but then he stumbled and got confused, - 'three pills every day, three pills every day.'

Two weeks later the doctor ran into Moishe’le again. The boy looked noticeably thinner and was even more troubled.

“My God, Moishe’le what happened? And how is your Dad?”

“Don’t even ask! My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, my behind feels sore and the dog won’t dare return home.”

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Category: Marital Bliss 

REAL ASSET

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven said:

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sipped his beer and said:

"You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

   

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Category: Marital Bliss 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

John asked his wife Mary what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" - he asksed.

"Not really," - said Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" – said John.

"No," - she responded.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" - he suggested.

She again rejected his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" - John asked.

"John, I'd like a divorce," - answered Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.

   

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Category: Marital Bliss

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

John asked his wife Mary what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" - he asksed.
"Not really," - said Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" – said John.
"No," - she responded.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" - he suggested.
She again rejected his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" - John asked.
"John, I'd like a divorce," - answered Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.
 

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Category: Ethnic Stories

HOLIDAY RUSE

Morris called his son in New York and said:

“Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama.”

The son was shocked and asked his father to tell him what happened.

“I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm taking the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder*. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore.”

Half an hour later Morris received a call from his daughter who told him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

“Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the phone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there.”

Morris promised. After hanging up, Morris turned to his wife and said:

“Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah...**”

* The feast celebrated on the first two nights of Passover.

** Rosh Hashanah = the Jewish New Year

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

REPORT CARD

A little girl and the mother were shopping. The girl asked her mother:

“How old are you?”

Mommy said:

“Honey, you'll learn later on in life that women don't talk about their age.”

The girl then asked:

“Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Mommy said:

“That's another thing women don't talk about.”.

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother asked:

“Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

Mommy said:

“Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much and I don't want to talk about it now.”

The little girl was frustrated. She told her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said:

“All you have to do is to sneak a look at your mother's driver’s license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.”

The little girl and her mother were shopping again. The girl said:

“Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.”

Mommy was very surprised. She asked:

“Sweetheart, how did you do that?”

The girl shrugged and said:

“I just know and I also know that you weigh 120 pounds.”

The mother was flabbergasted. She asked:

“Where did you learn all that???”

The little girl said:

“I just know that's all and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex.”

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Category: Lawyers VERY FAIR

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," - the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," - the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

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Category: Straight from the Hip PARTLY USED

A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him:

"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"

To which the new husband replied:

"It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."

Custom Search