Category: Male Chauvinists

WOODPECKERS

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.

The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
     The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia Woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

“Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.” 

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?”

Answer:

“Slow down and use a lubricant.”

¬ Question:

“What is the difference between hard and dark?”

Answer:

“Dark lasts all night.”

¬ Question:

 What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer:

“How do you breathe through that thing?

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Category: Naughty Jokes

OOPS

A guy checked into a hotel on a trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Cleopatra, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair and long graceful legs all the way up to her, well you know the kind.

So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, he'll give her a call.

"Hello?" - the woman said. Ohhhh, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking about, kinky the whole night long. You name it we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She said:

"That sounds fantastic .... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

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Category: Marital Bliss 

REAL ASSET

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven said:

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sipped his beer and said:

"You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

   

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said:
“Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said:
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said:
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said:
"I want 5 loaves."
She said:
"My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied:
"Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

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Category: Naughty Jokes

OOPS

A guy checked into a hotel on a trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Cleopatra, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair and long graceful legs all the way up to her, well you know the kind.
So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, he'll give her a call.
"Hello?" - the woman said. Ohhhh, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking about, kinky the whole night long. You name it we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She said:
"That sounds fantastic .... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

NAVAL TERMINOLOGY

An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and headed once more for the docks, for old times sake. He engaged a prostitute and took her up to a room. He was soon going at it as well as he could for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asked:
“How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied:
“Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” – he asked. “What's that supposed to mean?”
She said: “You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money-back!

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Category: Naughty Jokes

HARD FACTS

A man in a hotel lobby wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he went to the front desk, his elbow accidentally bumped a woman's breast. They were both quite startled. The man turned to the woman and said:

“Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.”

She replied:

“If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliation

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said:

“Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said:

"Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said:

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said:

"I want 5 loaves."

She said:

"My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"

He replied:

"Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

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Category: At School MODEL PUPIL

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked:

"Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered:

"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3^rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3^rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks has had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he'll give the boy a test. If he fails to answer any of his questions he's to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in, the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her:

"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal:

"Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment replied: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks:

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, Harry said:

"Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks:

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks:

"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher:

"Put Harry in the 5th grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

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Category: Old Age Humiliations NAVAL TERMINOLOGY

An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and headed once more for the docks, for old times sake. He engaged a prostitute and took her up to a room. He was soon going at it as well as he could for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asked:

“How am I doing?”

The prostitute replied:

“Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” – he asked. “What's that supposed to mean?”

She said: “You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money-back!

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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