Category: Naughty Jokes

PROSTATE EXAM

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" - said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," - said the man.

"No, but I have,"

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Category: Lawyers

SCREW

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said:

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other:

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

NOT HIS DAY

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired:

"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said:

"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked:

"What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day."

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Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?”

Answer:

“Slow down and use a lubricant.”

¬ Question:

“What is the difference between hard and dark?”

Answer:

“Dark lasts all night.”

¬ Question:

 What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer:

“How do you breathe through that thing?

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Category: Marital Bliss

LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” - she asked.

“I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work” - the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you're naked!” - the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,”- the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you're naked!”

“Justin loves me to wear this dress,” - she insisted. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” - he asked.

“This is my love dress,” - she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” - he said. “What's for dinner?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BENEFACTOR

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en route home he asked the cabby, if he would be a witness. He suspected his wife was having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cabby agreed..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted:

“Don't do it! ... I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said:

“What would you do?”

The cabby replied:

“I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”

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Category: Tax Matters

DRESS CODE

A Jew came to see the rabbi:

“Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?”

“My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.”

“This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.”

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Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

¬ God must love stupid people, he made so many.

¬ If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

¬ I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

¬ We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

¬ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

¬ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

¬ Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

¬ Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

¬ A pessimist is an experienced optimist.

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Category: Blondes

THE NOT SO DUMB BLOND

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said:

"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled:
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed:
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked:
"What did she roll?"
The other answered:
"I don't know -- I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

YARD SALE

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," - he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.

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Category: Marital Bliss

MARATHON

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" - she replied. “He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" - one asked.
"Oh yes!" - he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside.
"Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
“Oh, yes" - our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried:
"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

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Category: Ethnic Stories

GOLF

A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple were at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife stepped up to the tee and as she bent over to place the ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" - her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"
The Brit immediately reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blew up to show that she was wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replied:
"I can't afford any on the money you give me!"
He reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too was naked under it.
"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
She too explained:
"You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"
The Scot reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

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Category: Naughty Jokes

 JAMAICAN FIREMAN

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:

“Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked, 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed,    'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out:

"BellFour!"

“What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" - asked the astonished Jamaican.

She replied: .

“Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

100 MILES AN HOUR

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy said to the girl:

“If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”

She agreed and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100 she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were trapped in the car.

“Go get help,” – he pleaded.

She replied:

“I can't, I'm naked.”

He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said:

“Cover your snatch with that and go get help.”

She took the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived she was frantic and yelled to the attendant:

“HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!”

The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied:

“I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

ART

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion.

“Can I help you with this painting?” - he asked.

“Well, yes,” - said the gentleman. “We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?”

“Oh” - said the artist. “I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!!!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

SMALL CHANGE

In a pouring rain a taxicab was parked at a deserted street corner when the door opened suddenly and a totally naked woman plunked her wet body down onto the rear seat. She stated her destination, but the cabby just sat there staring at her dumbly in his rearview mirror.

“What's matter?” - asked the woman. “Why don't you start?”

“I was asking myself how you are going to pay the fare?”

In reply, the woman just spread her legs suggestively. The driver asked:

“Got any smaller bills?”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

NUMBERING SYSTEM

A young Chinese couple got married – and she was a virgin. Truth be told, he was a virgin too, but she didn't know that. On the wedding night, she cowered naked under the bed sheets as her husband undressed in the darkness. He climbed in next to her and tried to be reassuring:

“My daring" – he whispered – "I know dis you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want, you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" – he said, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hoped will impress her.

A thoughtful silence followed and he waited patiently (and eagerly) for her request. After a while she shyly whispered back:

"I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asked her:

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

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Category: Blondes

IT'S A GUY THIS TIME!

A blonde guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What's going on here?” – he asked.

“I'm having a heart attack,” – cried the woman. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year old son came up and said:

“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!”

The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his best pal, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You IDIOT!!!” – shouted the husband, – “my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

CUNNING

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him:

"We're not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned:

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said:

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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Category: Marital Bliss

LIVING ON A PITTANCE

A young man asked his girlfriend to marry him. As the man had no work, nor did he have a profession, the prospective bride asked:

“Tell me, if I do become your wife, what will we live on?”

“On love,” – answered the bridegroom to be, only half in jest.

She must have loved him very much, because she married him anyway. Some days after their wedding, the husband came home and saw his wife, stark naked, sitting on the kitchen stove.

“For Heavens’ sake,” – asked the astonished man, – “what are you doing?”

“Warming our dinner.”

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