Category: Lawyers

SCREW

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said:

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other:

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

HOPELESS

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face:

"Why do you do that, mommy?" - he asked. 

"To make myself beautiful," - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

 "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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Category: Simpletons

DUMBFOUNDED

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

 

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His
eyes fluttered open and he said:
"You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said:
"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed, because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked: "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied: "The drugs are wearing off”.

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