Category: Lawyers

NOSCRUPLES

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defended a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping and selling arms.

As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm:

“Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?”

“I don’t know,” – Ernie said. “What have you done?”

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Category: Ethnic Stories
AS SAFE AS ANYWHERE

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another passenger took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck -- he was pale, his hands were shaking, he was biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey pal, what's the matter?" - Chuck asked.

"Oh man ... I've been transferred to Michigan," - the other guy answered. "There are crazy people in Michigan and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate ..."

"Hold on," - Chuck interrupted, - "I've lived in Michigan all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school -- and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said:

"Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" - said Chuck. "Oh, nothing special. I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Dearborn."

 

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His
eyes fluttered open and he said:
"You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said:
"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed, because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked: "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied: "The drugs are wearing off”.

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Category: Afterlife EVERY ROSE HAS A THORN

A guy died and woke up to find he is in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in line waiting to talk to the admittance demon. He thought to himself:

“I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this.”

Looking up, he saw it was his turn to be processed. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the demon.

Demon: “Why so glum, chum?”

Guy: “Well, what do you expect? I'm in Hell.”

Demon: “Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun. You a drinkin’ man?”

Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Demon: “Well, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. And you don't have to worry about your liver, because you're already dead! You'll love Mondays. You a smoker?”

Guy: “You better believe it.”

Demon: “All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke your friggin' lungs out without worrying about cancer, because you're already dead. You're going to love Tuesdays. How about drugs? You like to do any drugs?”

Guy: “In my younger days I experimented a little, but I never inhaled.”

Demon: “Well, you can experiment with anything you want on Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can take, snort, drop, or shoot any kind of drug, smoke a doobie the size of a submarine and if you overdose, it’s okay … you're already dead. You're gonna love Wednesdays. I bet you like to gamble.”

Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

Demon: “Well, Thursdays are for you! We gamble all day and night – black jack, craps, slots, horse races, you name it! You're gonna love Thursdays.”

Guy: “Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!”

Demon: “You gay?”

Guy: “Uh, no.”

Demon: (wincing): “Ooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...”

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