Category: Old Age Humiliation

UNIVERSITY STUDIES

An elderly woman registered for studies at the university. Her records were in order, she passed all entrance exams, but the Admissions representative was still curious and asked her:

“Tell me, why would a person of your age want to pursue academic studies?”

“It is not so much that I want to study, it is on account of my hubby. The old prick just loves to screw co-eds”. 

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Category: Lawyers

SCREW

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said:

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other:

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

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Category: C'est la Vie

SOCRATES' LOGIC

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said:

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," - Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," - Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," - the man said, - "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," - Socrates continued, - "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," - concluded Socrates, - "if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.

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Category: Women's Lib

FAIR CHANCE

The young woman was holding on to her strap on the bus when from behind she suddenly felt a man’s body clinging to hers quite closely. The bus was crowded, but not that crowded. She turned around and asked:

“Tell me, do you want to screw me?”

“No,” – replied her startled fellow passenger, – “I have no such intention.”

“Then please move away and give somebody else a chance.”

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Category: Tax Matters

DRESS CODE

A Jew came to see the rabbi:

“Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?”

“My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.”

“This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.”

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Category: Animal World

FOR CATS

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat:

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:

"Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said:

"What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said:,

"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to its feet ate the cookies drank the milk shit on the paper screwed the other three cats claimed he injured his back while doing so filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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Category: Lawyers

BIRDS OF FEATHER

A man walked into a bar. He saw a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said:

"Hi there good looking, how's it going?”

She turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said:

"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. And, always want more."

He said:

"No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

   

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

HONEST JOHN

Police Officer O'Leary was cruising around in his patrol car one night. He was on the lookout for trouble. He saw two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot was closed, so O'Leary drove up alongside the Chevy and asked:

"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," – said one of the ladies, – "we purchased the car this afternoon."
     "Well," – said the cop, – "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," – replied the other little old lady, – "and besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."

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Category: Blondes

ARRANGEMENT

A young New York blonde was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said:
“Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:
“I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.
“What are you doing here?” – asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” - she explained. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. And well, he's also screwing me.”
“He sure is, lady,” - said the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY

On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”

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Category: C'est La Vie

RETIREMENT PRESENT

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mailbox in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was very satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained:

“When I called my husband ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said: 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea.”

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Category: Boys and Girls

MISNOMER

It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. He was a pretty hip guy, with his own car. When he arrived at the front door, the girl's father invited him in.

“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” – he said.

“That's cool,” – said Bobby.

Carrie's father asked Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replied politely that they would probably just go to the soda shop, or a movie. Carrie's father responded:

“Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this came as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” – said the father, – “Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her, and screamed at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

THE PRICE OF MEAT

A young woman entered the meat shop and inquired about the price of steaks. She was quite taken aback by the reply, but recovered quickly and beckoned to the seller:

“Would you come to the back room with me?”

When the butcher complied, she had a further request:

“Would you mind fondling my breasts just a little?”

“But Madam, what on Earth for?” – asked the surprised man.

“Look, before getting screwed, I like a little foreplay.”

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Category: Women's Lib FAIR CHANCE

The young woman was holding on to her strap on the bus when from behind she suddenly felt a man’s body clinging to hers quite closely. The bus was crowded, but not that crowded. She turned around and asked:

“Tell me, do you want to screw me?”

“No,” – replied her startled fellow passenger, – “I have no such intention.”

“Then please move away and give somebody else a chance.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Ecumenical Stories SISTERS OF MERCY

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without second thought. Soon, he saw another sign which said:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

Suddenly, he began to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drove past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF MERCY.

He climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked:

“What may we do for you, my son?”

He answered:

“I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

He was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man:

“Please knock on this door.”

He did as he was told and it was answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructed:

“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He got $50 out of his wallet, placed it in the nun’s cup, trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY

On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Boys and Girls MISNOMER

It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. He was a pretty hip guy, with his own car. When he arrived at the front door, the girl's father invited him in.

“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” – he said.

“That's cool,” – said Bobby.

Carrie's father asked Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replied politely that they would probably just go to the soda shop, or a movie. Carrie's father responded:

“Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this came as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” – said the father, – “Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her and screamed at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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Category: Tax Matters DRESS CODE

A Jew came to see the rabbi:

“Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?”

“My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.”

“This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.”

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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Category: Lawyers BIRDS OF FEATHER A man walked into a bar. He saw a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?” She turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. And, always want more." He said: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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