Category: Ethnic Stories

IRISH VIRGINITY TEST

Paddy was planning to marry, he was and asked his family doctor, how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor said:

"Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks:

"Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replied:

"Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...’, you hit her with the shovel.”

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Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster's phone rang late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”

The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:

“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly:

“Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.”

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Category: Simpletons

DUMBFOUNDED

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

 

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Category: Marital Bliss

REMOTE 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice:

“That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

He said:

“I found the remote.”

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Category: Drinking Problem

DIFFERENT TREATMENT

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem  Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked:

"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him:

"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state:

"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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Category: Doctors and Patients

PERCEPTIVE DIAGNOSTICIAN

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained:

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said:

"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said:

"You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half a dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick,"

"Huh," - the younger doctor said, - "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately,"

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," - the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps,"

As they left, the elder doc said:

"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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Category: Political

POLITICS

A little boy went to his dad and asked him, what is Politics. Dad said:

“Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, I’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that, see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy went off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed. The next morning, the little boy said to his father:

“Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father said:

“Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

“Well,” – replied the little boy – “while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

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Category: Marital Bliss 

INSOMNIA

"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," - said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know, but I can't," - said Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."

   

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Category: Male Chauvinists

PERFECT MATCH

Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She had a hard time meeting men and the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote:

“Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and is excellent in bed.”

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then one day, as she was doing her laundry, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

“May I help you?” - she asked.

“I am the man of your dreams!” - said the man.

Completely baffled, she said:

“Excuse me?”

“I read your ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.”

“But are you good in bed?” - she asked.

He replied:

“How do you think I knocked on the door?!”

   

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

TATTLER

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said:

“Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....”

The mother held up her hand and said:

“Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.”

The father came home and the wife told him that she's leaving him.

“But why?” - croaked the husband.

“Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.”

“Well,” - said little Johnny, - “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob – remember?”

   

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Category: Doctors and Patients

CONSULTATION

A Doctor husband and his wife had a fight at the breakfast table. The husband got up in a rage and said:

“And you are no good in bed either!” – and stormed out of the house. After a while he realized that he was nasty and decided to make amends. He rang up his home, but his wife answered the phone only after many rings. The husband became again irritated and asked: 
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She answered:
“I was in bed”.
“In bed this late, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion” – she said.

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

JEWISH SONGS

Mrs. Cohen, aged 84, and Mrs. Murphy, aged 85, were lifelong friends, but because each was also a bit old-fashioned, each chose to go to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long, however, before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said:
“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said:
“But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!”
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?”
Mrs. Murphy smiled and said:
“We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Yes, and then....?”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”

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Category: Marital Bliss


INSOMNIA

"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," - said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," - said Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

WRONG SIDE

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said:
"Good morning ladies."
The novices replied:
"Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other:
"I think she got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with:
"Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard:
"She got out on the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary:
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior… It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

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Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster answered a phone call late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”
The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:
“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

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Category: Simpletons

SPEECHLESS

“Yesterday when I returned home unexpectedly, I caught my wife in bed with an Italian.”

“Appalling! And what did you say to him?”
“What could I’ve said? I don’t speak Italian.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

VENUE CHANGE

One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turned over and said:

“I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear:

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

TROPHIES

The big game hunter was showing his guests the trophies mounted on the wall of his den. The heads of a fierce-looking African lion, a Canadian grizzly, a deer with magnificent antlers, a pair of ivory tusks. Suddenly one of the guests pointed at the head of a mustachioed man, mounted there among the stuffed animal heads:

“And who is he?”

“That is Antonio, an Italian singer,” – answered the hunter. “I bagged him in my wife’s bed.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

TRUTH IS GOLDEN

A red Mercedes cruised by just as a man came out of his office. With a screech of the brakes, the car came to a stop and a smashing blonde leaned out of the window and asked provocatively:

“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”

It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.

Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:

“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”

Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:

“My God! It is 4 o’clock in the morning. I must rush. My wife is probably going mad with worry.”

“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.

“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”

“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”

The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.

“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”

His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:

“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”

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