Category: Political Jokes

GATORS

Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:

"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't gert it."

"Well," - said the big 'gator, - what you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," - replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" - said the big alligator, - "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.

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Category: Modern Fables

ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when suddenly she saw the big, bad wolf, hiding behind the trees.

“Wolf, wolf,” - she asked, - “why are your eyes so big?”

“Leave me in peace,” - shouted the wolf - “can’t you see that I'm trying to have a shit.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

DAMNED GOOD

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said:

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said:

"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said:

"I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said:

"No shit?"

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Category: Political

POLITICS

A little boy went to his dad and asked him, what is Politics. Dad said:

“Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, I’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that, see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy went off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed. The next morning, the little boy said to his father:

“Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father said:

“Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

“Well,” – replied the little boy – “while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

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Category: Modern Fables TOUGH LUCK

A guy got home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice told him:

“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”

The man was disturbed by what he heard, but ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice told him:

“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”

Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man heard the same voice when he got home from work:

“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”

Each time he heard the voice, he became more upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, took his money and headed to Las Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane, the voice told him:

“Go to Harrah's.”

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice told him:

“Go to the roulette table.”

The man did as he was told. When he got to the roulette table, the voice told him:

“Put all your money on 17.”

Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put it all on number 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man watched the ball anxiously as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number ...21. The voice said:

“Shit.....”

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

MORALITY TALE

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” - she asked.

“They're mating,” - her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” - she asked.

“That's a daddy longlegs” - her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” - the little girl asked.

“No,” - her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

“Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.”

   

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Category: Doctors and Patients
ROOM 302

 

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital, or had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: A woman called a local hospital:

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"

The voice on the other end said:

"What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said:

"What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said:

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member, or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

FOR THE POSTERITY

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow:
"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was." 

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Category: Modern Fables


TOUGH LUCK

A guy got home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice told him:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”
The man was disturbed by what he heard, but ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice told him:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man heard the same voice when he got home from work:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”
Each time he heard the voice, he became more upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, took his money and headed to Las Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane, the voice told him:
“Go to Harrah's.”
So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice told him:
“Go to the roulette table.”
The man did as he was told. When he got to the roulette table, the voice told him:
“Put all your money on 17.”
Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put it all on number 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man watched the ball anxiously as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number ...21. The voice said:
“Shit.....”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A REAL SWITCH

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender:
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
“Oh, yeah?" - said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," - Mike replied, - "she came to me on her hands and knees.”
"Really?" - said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said:
"Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE

TAOISM: Shit happens.

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
HINDUISM: This shit happened before.
ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserve it.
JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to us?

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Category: Old Age Humiliation

FOR THE POSTERITY

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow:

"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

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Category: Indians

JOHN WAYNE

An Indian from the nearby reservation came to the trading post for his monthly shopping. When he inquired what kind of toilet paper they have, the trader answered that they stock three different kinds:

“The best quality is called 'Plushy Velvet' and it costs $15 per package.”

“That is too expensive for me,” - said the Indian.

“Maybe you prefer our medium quality 'Silky Soft' at $12?”

“Don’t you have anything cheaper?”

“Then take this package which costs only $10.”

“What is its name?” - asked the Indian.

“It has no name,” - replied the merchant.

After a few weeks the Indian returned to the trading post.

“By the way,” - he remarked while looking through the merchandise, - “I found a name for your cheap toilet paper. I would call it John Wayne.”

“What a funny idea,” - wondered the trader. “Why John Wayne?”

“It is rough, tough and takes no shit from Indians.”

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Category: Political Jokes DARING GUYS

Ivan and Joe were having a beer in the pub. Said Joe:

“Ours is a wonderful country, Ivan. It is so democratic, that once I spit on the President’s car and nothing happened to me.”

“That’s nothing! I once took a shit in Red Square.”

After a few more beers Joe spoke up again:

“I must confess, that when I spit on the President’s car, it was empty.”

“Then I must confess also, that when I took a shit in Red Square I didn’t take off my pants.”

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Category: Political Stories POLITICS

A little boy went to his dad and asked him, what is Politics. Dad said:

“Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, I’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that, see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy went off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed. The next morning, the little boy said to his father:

“Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father said:

“Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

“Well,” – replied the little boy – “while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Custom Search

Category: Modern Fables ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when suddenly she saw the big bad wolf, hiding behind the trees.

“Wolf, wolf,” - she asked, - “why are your eyes so big?”

“Leave me in peace,” - shouted the wolf - “can’t you see that I'm trying to have a shit.”

Custom Search