Category: From the Mouths of Babes

RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," - said the little boy.

"Hi," - replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" - asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," - answered the little girl.

"Me too," - replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" - asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," - replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," - replied the little boy.

They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," - said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," - replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," - said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and
hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," - replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked:

"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

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Category: Ethnic Stories

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them:

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” - the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was:

“NO!”

By now I was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered:

“NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued:

“Then how can I get into heaven?”

A six year-old boy shouted out:

“YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...." 

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Category: Animal Stories

TALKING PET

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store one Saturday and told the clerk that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After considering numerous options, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the box with his new pet home, found a good spot for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him the next day.

Sunday morning, he asked the centipede in the box:

"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, since he was assured by the pet store that the centipede would talk once he got it home and it was comfortable with its surroundings. He waited a few minutes and then asked again:

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, contemplating the situation. He decided to ask it one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's box and shouting:

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord!?"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

DAMNED GOOD

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said:

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said:

"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said:

"I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said:

"No shit?"

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Category: Drinking Problem

PAPER JOB

 A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:

“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

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Category: In the Middle East REFORMIST HAVEN

A tourist, map in hand, stopped a passerby in Netanyah.

“Excuse me, where is the nearest Catholic Church?”

“There are no Catholic churches in Netanyah” (a town inhabited by Jews only), – answered the man.

“They must all be Protestants here,” – murmured the tourist to himself.

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