Category: Business is Business

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:  "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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Category: Mother-In-Law

EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME

The farmer was working in his garden when his neighbor came running:

“Come quickly, your mother-in-law has dropped dead!”

“I have to finish here first. Work comes before pleasure.” 

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Category: Misers

A GOOD BARGAIN

Mr. Miser died and his wife wanted to publish an obituary in the local paper.

“What shall I write in the obituary?” – asked the adman.

“Just ‘Bill is dead’,” – replied Mrs. Miser. “After all everybody knew him.”

“But Madam, six words will cost you the same amount as three words.”

“Then write ‘Bill is dead, Toyota for sale’”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them:

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” - the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was:

“NO!”

By now I was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered:

“NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued:

“Then how can I get into heaven?”

A six year-old boy shouted out:

“YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...." 

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Category: C'est la Vie

WRONG NUMBER

"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy said:
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause:
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy said:
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
“No, this is 486-5713.....”
“Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

(NOT SO) UNWILLING VICTIM

Brenda O'Malley was home, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrived at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” - he asked. “I've somethin' to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?”

“That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”

“Oh, God no!” - cried Brenda. “Please don't tell me...”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up.

“How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda...no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients EFFECTIVE DIET

Mr. Lee was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet:

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.”

When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that's amazing!” - the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

Mr. Lee nodded:

“I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

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Category: Blondes VITAL INSTRUCTIONS

A blonde girl walked into the hairdresser’s. When her turn came, the hairdresser asked her if he could remove her Walkman.

“No, no,” - protested the girl, - “I shall die, if you take it off.”

The coiffeur started on her hair and on reaching the girl’s ears, asked again, if she would consent to remove her earphones. The girl refused once again. The hairdresser tried to work his way around the offending obstacles but cut one of the wires by accident. No more than a minute had passed and his client dropped dead. After all efforts to revive her had failed, someone took the cassette out of the Walkman and inserted it in the shop’s tape deck. The machine was switched on and they all listened to the recording:

“Inhale!”

“Exhale!”

“Inhale!”

“Exhale!”

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Category: Misers A GOOD BARGAIN

Mr. Miser died and his wife wanted to publish an obituary in the local paper.

“What shall I write in the obituary?” – asked the adman.

“Just ‘Bill is dead’,” – replied Mrs. Miser. “After all everybody knew him.”

“But Madam, six words will cost you the same amount as three words.”

“Then write ‘Bill is dead, Toyota for sale’”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Business is Business CUSTOMER SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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Category: Mother-in-Law EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME

The farmer was working in his garden when his neighbor came running:

“Come quickly, your mother-in-law has dropped dead!”

“I have to finish here first. Work comes before pleasure.”

UNFAIR PUNISHMENT

Lawyers among themselves:

“What is the punishment for bigamy?”

“Two mothers-in-law.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories PRICELESS ADVICE

Cohen came to the rabbi:

“Rabbi, you are such a wise and learned person, advise me what to do with my geese. They are dying off one by one.”

“Change their water every morning.”

Three days later Cohen returned to the rabbi:

“Rabbi, my geese are still dropping.”

“Give them some fresh oats.”

Three days later Cohen returned once again:

“Rabbi, the geese are still dropping dead.”

“Try to whitewash their enclosure.”

Three days later Cohen and the rabbi ran into each other:

“Rabbi, every last one of my geese has perished.”

“What a pity, I still have so many pieces of good advice left.”

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