Category: Business is Business

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:  "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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Category: Lawyers

SALES PITCH

A lawyer’s wife died. At the cemetery, people were appalled to see that the tombstone read:

“Here lies Phyllis, wife of Will T. Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”

Suddenly, Murray burst into tears. A friend said:

“You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”

Through his tears, Murray croaked:

“You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”

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Category: Ghost Stories

QUICK CURE

A man was returning home late at night. As always he had to cross a cemetery and as always he was terrified. Suddenly, a few steps in front of him he saw another man walking. With a few rapid strides he caught up with him and said:

“What a relief to meet another guy! I was scared stiff to walk alone through the cemetery.”

“I used to be afraid too when I was alive.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

JEWISH DOG

A Jew named Hirsch lived alone in the outskirts of the small town with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Hirsch went to the rabbi and asked:

“Rabbi, my darling dog, who for the last 15 years has been my only companion and who was such a comfort to me in my loneliness, has passed away. Could I bury be him in the Hirsch family plot in cemetery?”

The rabbi replied:

“No, we cannot bury the creature in our cemetery, but I know the minister of the church down the road, maybe he'll able to do something for the animal.”

Hirsch said:

“I'll go there right now. Do you think a donation $50,000 would reward him for his help?”

The rabbi asked:

“Why didn't you tell me the dog was Jewish?”

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Category: Ghost Stories

SPELLING ERROR

Two men returned home on foot from a party late at night. To shorten their way, they decided to cut through the cemetery. Somewhere around the middle of the cemetery, a progressively strong hammering sound came out of the darkness. Trembling with fright they bravely continued, until they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel who was chiseling away on a gravestone. One of the men, who had regained his courage somewhat, exclaimed:

“Good Heavens, man, you almost shook us out of our shoes. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing here in the middle of night?”

“The fools,” – mumbled the old gent half loudly, – “they misspelled my name!”

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Category: Marital Bliss UNBEARABLE LOSS

After placing some flowers on his mother’s grave the man started walking back to the cemetery gate, where he has left his car. On the way, he noticed a man kneeling before one of the graves, praying with devotion:

“Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?”

Our man went over to the mourner and addressed him:

“Sir, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I must tell you that I’ve never seen such immense pain as you exhibited in your prayers. Whom are you mourning so deeply? A child? Your parents? May I respectfully inquire who is it who is buried here?”

The mourner raised his tear-speckled face and in a broken voice answered:

“My wife’s first husband. Oh, why did he have to die, why, why?”

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