Category: Simpletons

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. He was at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates were closed and Forrest approached the gatekeeper. St. Peter said:

“Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responded:

“It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued:

“Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?”

Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him up and said:

“Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied:

“Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed:

“Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?”- asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said:

“Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied:

“Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”'

“Hold it,” - interrupted St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”

“Sure,” Forrest replied, - “it's Andy.”

“Andy?” - exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,”- Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:

“Run, Forrest, run.”

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Category: Political Jokes

CAMPAIGNING

While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” - said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,”- said the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” – said the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator rose. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflected for a minute, then answered:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above. The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” - stammered the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looked at him, smiled and said:

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them:

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” - the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was:

“NO!”

By now I was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered:

“NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued:

“Then how can I get into heaven?”

A six year-old boy shouted out:

“YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...." 

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Category: Afterlife

HEALTHY LIFE

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked:

“What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply:

“This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man looked at his wife and said:

“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

GROUP FARE

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met:

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said:

"I do Father."

The priest said:

"Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man:

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," - was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked:

"Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

"No, I don't Father”.

The priest said:

"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said:

 "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Category: Ethnic Stories
PARKING PLACE

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said:

"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said:

"Never mind, I found one."

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Category: Animal World

HEAVENLY REWARD

A cat died and went to heaven and met there the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat:
“You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”
The cat thought for a moment and said:
“Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
“Say no more” - said the Lord and instantly a wonderful fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later, six mice were killed in a farming accident and went to heaven. Again, there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered:
“All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?”
The Lord said:
“Say no more” - and fitted each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke him and asked:
“How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretched luxuriously, yawned and replied:
“It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!”

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Category: Afterlife

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

A football player came to the well-known fortune-teller and asked her:
“Look here, lately I haven’t been feeling so well and since the game of football is the most important thing in my life, I would like to know, if it is played in heaven.”
The soothsayer looked through her crystal ball and after a while uttered:
“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they do play football in heaven – they have even a National League. The bad news is, that you are scheduled to play next Sunday.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE

The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.

“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.

“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.

“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.

“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.

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Category: Afterlife

REINCARNATION

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out:

“John, Dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her:

“Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked:

“Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day?” - asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback:

“Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories ABSOLUTION

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.

“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next Nun admitted that:

“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE

The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.

“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.

“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.

“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.

“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Afterlife HEALTHY LIFE

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked:

“What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply:

“This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man looked at his wife and said:

“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”

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