Category: Political Jokes

CAMPAIGNING

While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” - said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,”- said the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” – said the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator rose. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflected for a minute, then answered:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above. The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” - stammered the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looked at him, smiled and said:

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

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Category: Marital Bliss 

BORN AGAIN

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

   

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Category: Ethnic Stories
NUNS

An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table there were 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation. The 2nd nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to Jerusalem."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The 3rd nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to New York ."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The 2nd nun spoke again and said:

"Let's go to Los Angeles."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

 The little Jewish old lady leaned over and said with a Yiddish Accent:

"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TO MANY JEWS

An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table three nuns discussed where to go for a vacation. The second nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The third nun said to Mother Superior:
“Let's go to New York.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The second again spoke and said:
“Let's go to Los Angeles.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leant over and said with a Yiddish accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

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Category: Marital Bliss

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

It was Sunday. Most members of the small community attended church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the house of worship. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said:

“Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied:

“Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” – Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t” – said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” – asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” – returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” – persisted Satan.

“Yep,” – was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?” – asked Satan.

“Nope.”

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked:

“Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied:

“Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE

The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.

“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.

“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.

“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.

“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.

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Category: Ethnic Stories ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE

The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.

“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.

“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.

“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.

“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.

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