Category: In the Middle East

REFORMIST HAVEN

A tourist, map in hand, stopped a passerby in Netanyah.

“Excuse me, where is the nearest Catholic Church?”

“There are no Catholic churches in Netanyah” (a town inhabited by Jews only), – answered the man.

“They must all be Protestants here,” – murmured the tourist to himself.

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Category: Political Jokes

QUALITY COUNTS

At the Soviet War College, the guest lecturer, a general, told the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class began by asking the first question:

“Will we have to fight in a World War Three?”

“Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will,” - answered the general.

“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” - another officer asked.

“In all likelihood it will be China.”

The class looked alarmed and finally one officer asked:

“But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”

“Well,” - replied the general, - “think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time.”

“But sir,” - asked the panicky officers, - “do we have enough Jews?”

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Category: Ethnic Stories
NUNS

An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table there were 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation. The 2nd nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to Jerusalem."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The 3rd nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to New York ."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The 2nd nun spoke again and said:

"Let's go to Los Angeles."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

 The little Jewish old lady leaned over and said with a Yiddish Accent:

"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

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Category: Political Jokes

YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM

In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery.
The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out:
“It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!”
A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted:
“There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!”
Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more:
“There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.”
Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced:
“I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.”
Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked:
“Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

MOISHE AND THE POPE

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said:
“I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the Cardinals asked the Pope what had happened. The Pope said:
“First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of Original Sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
“What happened?” - they asked.
“Well,” - said Moishe, - “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“Yes, yes .. and then???” - asked the crowd.
“I don't know,” - said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TO MANY JEWS

An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table three nuns discussed where to go for a vacation. The second nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The third nun said to Mother Superior:
“Let's go to New York.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The second again spoke and said:
“Let's go to Los Angeles.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leant over and said with a Yiddish accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL

You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:

The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:

“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”

At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.

“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.

“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:

The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:

“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”

At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.

“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.

“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”

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Category: Political Jokes YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery. The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out: “It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!” A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted: “There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!” Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more: “There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.” Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced: “I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.” Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked: “Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”

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