Category: Army Stories

NOTHING WORKS 

The parachutist-trainees were getting ready for their first jump. The officer gave them last minute instructions:
“At 1,000 meters pull string No. 1. In the very rare case that your parachute doesn’t open, string No. 2 is provided as a backup and pulling that will get you safely to the ground. A lorry will wait for you there and take you back to camp.”
A trainee jumped, pulled string No. 1. The parachute didn’t open, so he pulled string No. 2 and again nothing happened.
“Typical!” – grumbled the trainee, – “I won’t be surprised if the lorry isn’t waiting either.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER

In the old Russia they used to abduct young Jewish boys and forcibly conscript them into the Army. Many of these boys were never heard of again although some managed - after a few years - to return to their families. One of the boys, who completely lost contact with his family, eventually became a general and one day, when the Army held maneuvers near his birthplace, decided to see if any of his folks were still around. There was a lot of excitement in the town. After all, it was not everyday that a Jewish boy from a small village became a general and paid a visit in town. A big dinner was held in his honor with the general seated at the head of the table, next to the rabbi. The poor man was at a loss for words with such an important person and in the end started with the subject closest to him, religion.

“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”

“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.

The rabbi pressed on:

“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”

“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”

“But did you eat kosher food?”

“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”

The rabbi was getting desperate:

“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”

The general was ready with his reply:

“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”

The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:

“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”

“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier

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Category: Old Age Humiliations SPEED LIMIT

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said:

“Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What’s the problem?”

“Ma’am,”– the officer replied, – “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? I’m following the posted speed exactly!”

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, the officer asked:

“Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

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Category: Army Stories THE JOKE IS ON YOU

At a military training facility, the parachutist-trainees were scheduled to jump out of a plane for the first time in their life. The training officer gave some heavy-handed “assistance” to those who developed cold feet at the door of the plane. One soldier in particular put up more than a token resistance, holding on with all his strength to the door’s edges, kicking, fighting, swearing until at considerable effort the officer managed to push him out. Another trainee burst out into loud laughter.

“What is so funny in that I helped a coward to make up his mind?” – asked the officer.

“That was our pilot!” – said the other wiping off his streaming tears.

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Category: Ethnic Stories THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:

The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:

“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”

At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.

“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.

“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”

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