Category: Simpletons

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. He was at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates were closed and Forrest approached the gatekeeper. St. Peter said:

“Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responded:

“It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued:

“Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?”

Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him up and said:

“Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied:

“Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed:

“Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?”- asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said:

“Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied:

“Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”'

“Hold it,” - interrupted St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”

“Sure,” Forrest replied, - “it's Andy.”

“Andy?” - exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,”- Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:

“Run, Forrest, run.”

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Category: Political Jokes

CAMPAIGNING

While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” - said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,”- said the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” – said the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator rose. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflected for a minute, then answered:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above. The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” - stammered the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looked at him, smiled and said:

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

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Category: Afterlife

YULETIDE 

Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said:

"It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season."

The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said:

"This is supposed to be a candle."

"Good enough" - said St. Peter.

The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them.

"What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said:

"It's Jingle Bells."

St. Peter sighed heavily and said:

"Fine...go ahead.”

Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties.
     St. Peter said:

" What's THAT got to do with Christmas?"

The bachelor replied:
    " They're Carols."

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Category: Male Chauvinists

A GOOD IDEA

Asked St. Peter of God:

“Almighty Creator, what is your opinion with regards to smart women?”

“Smart women? Hmmm, not a bad idea.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

VACATION

One day God was talking to St. Peter:

God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?”

St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.”

God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.”

St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?”

God: “No… too hot there.”

St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?”

God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

FOOLING AROUND God and St. Peter went golfing. By throwing up a coin it was resolved that God would be the first to go.

God hit the ball.

The ball was swallowed in midair by a pigeon.

A hawk swooped down on the pigeon.

The hawk was hit by lightning and its carcass fell down to the earth.

A fox ate the carcass and then went over to the hole and shit the ball in.

Asked the exasperated St. Peter:

“Now look here, are we playing golf, or just fooling around?”

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Category: Doctors and Patients POST OPERATIVE TRAUMA

After the operation the patient awakened:

“Doctor, did the operation succeed?”

“It did, but I’m not your doctor, but St. Peter.”

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Category: Afterlife YULETIDE Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said: "It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season." The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said: "This is supposed to be a candle." "Good enough" - said St. Peter. The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them. "What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said: "It's Jingle Bells." St. Peter sighed heavily and said: "Fine...go ahead.” Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties. St. Peter said: " What's THAT got to do with Christmas?" The bachelor replied: " They're Carols."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories VACATION

One day God was talking to St. Peter:

God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?”

St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.”

God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.”

St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?”

God: “No… too hot there.”

St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?”

God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!”

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