MARS MAID
The first astronaut to land on Mars encountered a native girl there. She was built somewhat differently, but was distinctly female and beautiful by any standard. The girl was busy in front of a steaming cauldron, adding various ingredients to its contents and steering furiously.
After a while the astronaut said:
“Excuse me, I just arrived from Earth. Can you tell me what you are doing?”
“Is it not obvious?” - replied the Martian girl. “I am making a child. I must be careful to mix well the components supplied by my three husbands, two co-wives and me and if the temperature and other conditions are perfect, out comes a healthy little Mars-child. Is this not the way children are made on Earth?
“No, positively no,” - answered the Earthman.
“Tell me then, how do you make children?”
“I cannot explain, but I can show you.”
Indeed, he showed her and the girl seemed to have enjoyed it. She said so too:
“I must say that your way of producing a child is quite enjoyable, but what I don’t understand is where is the product of our labors, the child?”
“Oh, that,” - shrugged the Earthman. “The child is only born after nine months.”
“Then why did you stop mixing?”
TRUTH IS GOLDEN
A red Mercedes cruised by just as a man came out of his office. With a screech of the brakes, the car came to a stop and a smashing blonde leaned out of the window and asked provocatively:
“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”
It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.
Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:
“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”
Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:
“My God! It is
“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.
“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”
“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”
The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.
“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”
His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:
“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”
A WORTHWHILE EFFORT
A religious man came to the police station and lodged a complaint against a girl, living across the street, who undresses every night before the open window, thus disturbing him in his meditations. The man was promised that an investigator would be sent out to visit the scene of the “crime.” One evening, a policeman arrived and asked the complainer to show him the offending window. The man pointed at a certain window in a distant building.
“Excuse me, Sir,” - wondered the officer, - “but one can hardly see that window and even if it could be seen, it would be difficult to distinguish details.”
“Of course,” - replied the man. “If you want to see what is happening in that window, you have to push the table to the furthermost left corner of the bedroom window and use the binoculars I keep in the drawer.”
TIPSTER
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done
“I had sex with a girl.”
“Who was it,
“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”
“Was it
“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Was it
“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Well then it has to be
“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”
“Okay,
So
“What did ya get?”– asked
“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”
One day God was talking to St. Peter:
God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?”
St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.”
God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.”
St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?”
God: “No… too hot there.”
St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?”
God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!”
