Category: Naughty Jokes

FANNY GREEN

An Irish man went to confession at St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

“Father”, - he confessed,“ it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.”

The priest told the sinner:

“You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.”

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

“Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.”

This time, the priest questioned:

“Who is this Fanny Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” - the sinner replied.

“Very well,” - sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.”

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered:

“Is that Fanny Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply:

“No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes”.

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Category: Ethnic Stories
IRISH REPENTANCE

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent:

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," - he told the priest.

"I understand my son," - said the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

TELLING EVERYBODY!

An old man came into confession and said to the priest:
“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”
“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.
“What sins?”
“What kind of a Catholic are you?
“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”
 

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TIPSTER

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done Tommy O'Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.”

“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”

“Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

“What did ya get?”– asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

The old, but still agile maid came to her much younger lady-friend, known for her promiscuity and said:

“I have a confession to make. I am 80 years old, but still a virgin. I find it unbearable to die without having been with a man at least once. If you are really a good friend, you will help me get a man. I have a few hundred dollars and I am ready to pay for his services.”

The friend was aghast:

“My dear, at your advanced age, the shock could cause you a heart attack,” - she warned.

The old lady was adamant and in the end, her confidant went out to the nearby park and asked the shabbily dressed vagrant sitting on one of the benches:

“Do you want to make a few bucks? A friend of mine is anxious to be introduced to the pleasures of the flesh.”

The tramp was only too willing, until he saw the intended object of his tryst. Only when he heard the amount he was to be paid, did he relent and take the old girl to a nearby hotel for the night. In the morning when her friend came to the hotel, she found the tramp in bed, having a luxurious breakfast, but the ancient dame was nowhere to be seen.

“You bum! What did you do with her?” – she shouted. “Is she in the hospital? Is she dead?”

“Hush, hush,” – said the man, finishing off a bottle of quality wine. “There is no need to get excited. My lady friend just went to the bank to withdraw her savings.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories CONFESSIONATE LEAVE

The Catholic priest and the rabbi in the small town were the best of friends. After all, they were colleagues. One day when the priest was officiating in the confessional, the wife of one of his old parishioner’s phoned and told him that her husband is dying and is asking for him to be at his bedside. Faced with a problem the priest phoned the rabbi and asked him to come to the church urgently.

When the rabbi arrived, the priest asked him to take over for him for an hour or so. The rabbi was flabbergasted:

“What will your parishioners think of me, a rabbi in a priest’s seat?”

“Nobody will notice. The confessional has a grating, so that the confessors are unable to see the person hearing their confessions,” - answered his colleague.

The Jewish clergyman raised another objection:

“But I don’t even know what to say and do!”

“Just watch me and you will get the hang of it,” - said the minister

The priest entered the confessional and closed the door. Soon a woman in her thirties approached, knelt down and whispered through the grille:

“Father, bless me, for I have sinned!”

“How many times have you sinned, my daughter?” - asked the priest.

“Five times.”

“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s, sin no more and the merciful God will grant you an absolution.”

The penitent woman rose, crossed herself and left the church. The priest came out and said to the doubtful rabbi:

“You see it is quite simple. Maybe nobody else will even show up today. I promise to be back soon.”

The rabbi entered the confessional, closed the door and waited. For a long while nobody came, but just as the returning priest came in through a side door, he saw a woman kneeling before the confessional. He overheard her saying:

“Father, bless me, for I have sinned.”

“How many times did you sin my daughter?” - asked the Jewish cleric.

“Three times,” - answered the woman.

“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s and you may sin two more times.”

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Category: Drinking problem PAPER JOB

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:

“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations TELLING EVERYBODY

An old man came into confession and said to the priest:

“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”

“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.

“What sins?”

“What kind of a Catholic are you?

“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories TIPSTER

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done Tommy O'Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.”

“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”

“Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

“What did ya get?”– asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”

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