Category: At the Restaurant

JEWISH

A waiter came over to a table full of Jewish women and asked:

"Is anything all right?"

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

IDENTITY CRISIS

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked:

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied:

"Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said:

"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked:

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied:

"I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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Category: Ethnic Stories
THOSE KIDS

Three Jewish women got together for lunch. As they were being seated in the restaurant, one took a deep breath and gave a long, slow "oy." The second took a deep breath as well and let out a long, slow "oy."  The third took a deep breath and said impatiently:

"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations 

SPEED LIMIT

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said:
“Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What’s the problem?”
“Ma’am,”– the officer replied, – “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? I’m following the posted speed exactly!”
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, the officer asked:
“Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded:
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied:
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

NEWLYWEDS

A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering and some chitchat the priest said:

“Have you noticed that there are no women in this bar?”

Then he realized the truth:

“I think we're in a gay bar.”

Just then, a man approached them and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said:

“Thanks. What did you tell him?”

The minister replied:

“I just told him we're on our honeymoon.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

TIPSTER

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done Tommy O'Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

“Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.”

“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”

“Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

“What did ya get?”– asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories NEWLYWEDS

A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering and some chitchat the priest said:

“Have you noticed that there are no women in this bar?”

Then he realized the truth:

“I think we're in a gay bar.”

Just then, a man approached them and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said:

“Thanks. What did you tell him?”

The minister replied:

“I just told him we're on our honeymoon.”

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Category: At the Restaurant JEWISH A waiter came over to a table full of Jewish women and asked: "Is anything all right?" SMART DECISION A man came into a restaurant and inquired of the head waiter: “That soup I had yesterday. Is there any left?” “Certainly, sir.” “Then I shall go to another restaurant.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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