Category: Marital Bliss

BEER, WOMEN AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded:
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied:
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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Category: Marital Bliss

FIT PRESENT

A fellow said to his buddy:

“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”

His buddy said:

“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”

The next day his buddy asked:

“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”

“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”

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Category: In the Middle East

ONE-TRACK MIND

Most Israeli children never see snow. The elementary school teacher, wanting somehow to demonstrate this natural phenomenon, prepared a bag with small, white paper pellets and while explaining to her class the differences between the European and Israeli winter, threw them into the air.

“Children, what does this remind you of?” - she asked.

A girl raised her finger.

“Yes, Miriam!” - said the teacher.

“It reminds me of the day, when a pillow-case was torn and the feathers flew all over our house.”

“Very good, but I thought of something slightly different.”

Another girl said that the falling pellets reminded her of falling snow, as she saw in a film.

“Excellent, Tamar!” - commented the teacher and wanted to continue with the lesson, when she noticed yet another raised finger.

“Yes, Moishe’le. What does this remind you of?”

“Of sex,” - said the child.

“Sex?” - wondered the teacher. “How does that come into it?”

“Everything reminds me of sex!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

ORTHODOX WEDDING

A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, met with their rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asked if they had any last questions. The man asked:

“Rabbi, is it true that men and women don't dance together?”

“Yes,” - said the rabbi. “For modesty reasons, men and women always dance separately.”

“So at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?”

“Absolutely not. It’s immodest.”

“Well, okay,” - said the man, - “but what about sex?”

“Fine,” - said the rabbi. “It is a mitzvah*, a good thing within the marriage to have children!”

“What about different positions?” - the man asked.

“No problem,” - said the rabbi. “It's a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” - the man asked.

“Sure,” - replied the rabbi – “go for it. Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!”

“Without clothes?”

“Of course! It's a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?"

"Why not? Another mitzvah!"

“Even on the table?”

“Yes, yes! It's a mitzvah!”

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

“Well, what about standing up?”

“OH, NO! NO!” said the rabbi.

“Why not???” asked the man.

“Could lead to dancing!”

* Mitzvah: A worthy deed, conforming to Jewish religious law.

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Category: Afterlife

REINCARNATION

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out:

“John, Dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her:

“Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked:

“Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day?” - asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback:

“Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

HEARING AID

A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:

"Up or down?"

The woman replied:

"Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:

"Up or down?"

She replied:

"Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked:

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied:

"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

BEDDING ORDER

A rich old man proposed to a young woman.

“I will marry you,” – said the woman, – “but I have three conditions:

1. Deposit 1 million dollars in my bank account.

2. Buy me a mansion in Santa Monica, with a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi.”

“Consider it done,” – said the prospective husband. “And what is your third condition?”

3. “I want to have sex every day.”

“All right. Put me down for every second Thursday.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

TALL STORY

A cruise-ship in the Caribbean had sunk and the only survivors, who managed to reach an uninhabited island, were Sharon Stone and an uncouth sailor. The place was a paradise, the weather uniformly pleasant, there was plenty of fruit, but nothing much to do. In spite of the differences between them, after a while they just naturally settled down to a regular routine of sex.

After about a week, the sailor asked Sharon to wear his clothes. The actress agreed. After another week he asked her to paint herself a mustache and beard with some soot. To Sharon the request seemed a little queer, but again she agreed. After one more week the sailor asked Sharon if from now on he can call her Joe. When she complied with her mate’s request, the sailor put his hand around her shoulder, took her aside and whispered into her ear:

“Joe, you are not going to believe this, but for three weeks running now I’ve been fucking Sharon Stone.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

THOSE ITALIANS!

[NOTE: For true enjoyment, read the man's part with a good ol' Italian accent....]

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat themselves and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” - retorted the lady indignantly, - “in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” - said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

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Category: C'est la Vie USE AS NEEDED

A man dressed in a suit came up to the front porch of a house juggling a clipboard, some papers and a briefcase. He knocked on the door and a middle-aged man answered it:

“Mornin' stranger, what can I do for you?”

“Well sir, we are paid by private companies to canvas consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man.” - said the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asked:

“Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”

“Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.”

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” - said the survey-taker, pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let's see, .....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex.”

The well-dressed man stopped writing abruptly. He looked around, leant forward and in a low voice said:

“We pride ourselves on being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” – the homeowner replied, whispering too, – “we put it on our bedroom doorknob.”

The survey-taker got a strange look on his face and took a step backwards before the homeowner continued: “It keeps the kids out.”

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Category: Marital Bliss FIT PRESENT

A fellow said to his buddy:

“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”

His buddy said:

“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”

The next day his buddy asked:

“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”

“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Army Stories THE SERGEANT MAJOR

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:

“It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said:

“You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:

“You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! "

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:

“Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:

“I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Animal World THE MOUSE AND THE GIRAFFE This one mouse in the zoo had a crush on the giraffe. One night he built up enough courage to visit the giraffe and things went pretty well. Soon, one thing led to another and they ended up spending a passionate night together. The next morning the baboon walked past the mouse and saw the poor little guy lying exhausted on the floor. “How did it go with giraffe last night?” - he asked. The mouse, barely able to lift his head, replied: “I'll tell you one thing, between the French kissing and the sex, I must have run about a hundred miles last night!”

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Category: In the Middle East ONE-TRACK MIND Most Israeli children never see snow. The elementary school teacher, wanting somehow to demonstrate this natural phenomenon, prepared a bag with small, white paper pellets and while explaining to her class the differences between the European and Israeli winter, threw them into the air. “Children, what does this remind you of?” - she asked. A girl raised her finger. “Yes, Miriam!” - said the teacher. “It reminds me of the day, when a pillow-case was torn and the feathers flew all over our house.” “Very good, but I thought of something slightly different.” Another girl said that the falling pellets reminded her of falling snow, as she saw in a film. “Excellent, Tamar!” - commented the teacher and wanted to continue with the lesson, when she noticed yet another raised finger. “Yes, Moishe’le. What does this remind you of?” “Of sex,” - said the child. “Sex?” - wondered the teacher. “How does that come into it?” “Everything reminds me of sex!”

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