Category: Naughty Jokes

BRIEF, BUT NAUGHTY

¬ Question:

“Why does English beer remind one of having sex in a boat?”        

Answer:

“It is fucking close to water.”

¬ Question:

“Why is a joke like a pussy?”

Answer:

“Neither is any fun if you don't get it.”

¬ Question:

 “What is preferable to roses on your piano?”

Answer:

“Tulips on your organ.”

¬ Question:

“Why did God create Eve?”

Answer:

“Adam’s right hand was getting stiff.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BRIEF ONES

¬ Ad at the office:

“For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica. Hardly used. Fucking wife knows everything.”

¬ A man, told by a soothsayer that his wife is betraying him with his best friend went home and shot his dog. 

¬ It is said that women have four types of orgasm:

Positive ones, when they scream: “Oh, yes!”

Negative ones, when they shout: “Oh, no!”

Divine ones, when they exclaim: “Oh, God!”

Fake ones: With their husbands.

¬ Question:

“Does your husband exercise regularly?”

Answer:

“Yes, last week he was out seven nights running.”  

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Category: Ethnic Stories
JEWISH FIRE DEPARTMENT 

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said:

"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department which could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief:

"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," - said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve gonna do is, fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

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Category: Ethnic Stories

RESPECTFUL GUYS

After almost 60 years of happy marriage, Weiss's wife has passed away and the old man found it difficult to manage on his own. His son's wife was - to say it mildly - not enthusiastic at the idea of her father-of-law moving in with them, so Weiss junior, after a lot of soul searching, convinced his father to move into an old folks' home. As at the only Jewish institution in their town there were absolutely no vacancies, the son decided to put his father into a Christian home. Actually it was a very exclusive establishment, located on top of a hill, surrounded by a spacious park and luxuriously appointed.

The old man adjusted to his surroundings in a relatively short period and seemed to be enjoying the place's multiple facilities. After a few weeks, some friends paid him a visit and asked him how he is getting along in his new home.
“They are quite respectful at this place,” - said old Weiss - “look at that chap with a polo cap over there, for example. He won many a golf tournament in his time and even though he has not touched a club in fifteen years, they still call him 'Champ'. And that guy at the pool, he has worked for forty years as an airline pilot. On account of his shaking hands, he has not been near an airplane in more than ten years, but everybody still addresses him as 'Captain'.”
“And what about you?” - asked the friends.
“Me? I have not touched a woman in five years, but they still call me 'Fucking Jew'.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

IT IS ENTIRELY YOUR CHOICE

During a European tour, an American couple came to a Swiss holiday resort and asked if there were any vacancies. Upon receiving an affirmative answer, the husband wanted to know the price of a room.

“$100 a day,” - replied the clerk at the reception.

The room was spacious and well furnished, the food excellent, the service courteous, the countryside beautiful, so the couple stayed for a week. On the last evening, the husband went down to the reception desk and requested the bill. To his astonishment it came to $1,400. He asked to see the manager:

“I was told that the price would be $100 per day and we stayed for 7 days only,” - he complained

“Yes, but we charge $100 a week for the use of our well-appointed tennis courts,” - replied the manager.

“But it’s the middle of winter, the snow is a meter high and the temperature outside is minus 25°.”

“The management regrets that you found the weather too cold. It is entirely our distinguished guests’ choice, whether they use our facilities, or not. They are there at their disposal,”- continued the manager. “Further, we billed you 100 additional dollars for the use of our Olympic-size swimming pool

“Are you crazy? It is an outdoor pool and it is frozen solid” - protested the tourist.

“Frozen or not, it was there for you to use. Then there is $100 charge per person for a ski-pass”.

Needless to say, it was in vain that the guest pointed out that neither he, nor his wife could ski. The manager summed up:

“And then there is $100 each, for our bobsled course, for the extensive bicycle paths and the well-equipped nursery, which takes care of your offspring, while you enjoy our luxurious facilities. That comes to $1,400 exactly, without service charge.”

The tourist thought for a minute and then wrote out a check. Now it was the manager’s turn to act surprised:

“But this check is for $700 only,” - he stated the obvious.

“Yes, but I charged you $100 a day for fucking my wife.”

“What! That ugly, fat, disgusting old hag?”

“I’m sorry that you did not like my wife, but it was entirely your own choice whether you made use of her services, or not. She was there at your disposal.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

¬ Question:

“Why does English beer remind one of having sex in a boat?”

Answer:

“It is fucking close to water.”

¬ Question:

“Why is a joke like a pussy?”

Answer:

“Neither is any fun if you don't get it.”

¬ Question:

“What is preferable to roses on your piano?”

Answer:

“Tulips on your organ.”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

TALL STORY

A cruise-ship in the Caribbean had sunk and the only survivors, who managed to reach an uninhabited island, were Sharon Stone and an uncouth sailor. The place was a paradise, the weather uniformly pleasant, there was plenty of fruit, but nothing much to do. In spite of the differences between them, after a while they just naturally settled down to a regular routine of sex.

After about a week, the sailor asked Sharon to wear his clothes. The actress agreed. After another week he asked her to paint herself a mustache and beard with some soot. To Sharon the request seemed a little queer, but again she agreed. After one more week the sailor asked Sharon if from now on he can call her Joe. When she complied with her mate’s request, the sailor put his hand around her shoulder, took her aside and whispered into her ear:

“Joe, you are not going to believe this, but for three weeks running now I’ve been fucking Sharon Stone.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories ONE OF US

An English taxidermist was sweating his way through the Australian outback when he came across a bar. He staggered in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice, asked the bartender:

“May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man?”

One of the locals said to his mates;

“Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?”

Then, turning to the Englishman:

“Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic. Are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?”

“Ac...actually,” – the Englishman, terrified, replied, – “I'm a taxidermist.”

“Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?”

“I mount d..d..dead animals.”

“It's alright, cobbers,” – said the local, turning to his mates, – “he's one of us!”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories FISHING STORY

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said:

“Wow!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!”

The sister said:

“Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.”

The man said:

“But that's the species of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.”

The sister said: “Oh, ok.”

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

“Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.”

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

“Sister, you know better than that.”

The nun said:

“That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”

So the Mother Superior said:

“Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.”

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

“Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.”

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

“Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!”

Mother Superior said:

“But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”

Monsignor said:

“Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.”

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table and he said:

“Wow, what a nice fish.”

In reply, the sister said:

“Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.”

And Mother Superior said:

“I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.”

And Monsignor said:

“I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked and said:

“I like this fucking place already!”

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Category: Tax Matters A TAXING QUESTION

A woman walked into the local IRS office and declared loudly:

“I came in to settle our coitus tax.”

The receptionist was a quite embarrassed, but said:

“I am sorry Madam, but we have no intercourse taxes that I know of.”

“So why did my husband tell me this morning to go and pay the fucking taxes?”

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