Category: Old Age Humiliations

BRIEF ONES

¬ The physician’s advice to the elderly gent who complained that his much older neighbor boasted to everybody that he has intercourse with his wife three times weekly:

“You can say it too!”

¬ Question:

“What in your opinion is the main reason you reached the ripe old age of 100?”

Answer:

“The main reason is that I was born in 1901.”

¬ Question:

“Is your wife still so beautiful?”

Answer:

“She is, but it takes her half-an-hour more.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

DO YOU KNOW

 A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," - she replied, - "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," - said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" - he asked.
"Yes," - the woman said, - "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.
"Correct," - replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," - she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

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Category: Business is Business

Actually the same joke as above, but the action and venue are completely different.

A BARGAIN

An elderly couple came to a sex therapist’s office asked him to watch their copulating technique. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said:

“As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” – and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the fee and leave. Finally the doctor asked:
“Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The man replied:
“We are not trying to find out anything. My friend here is married and we cannot go to her house, I’m married too and we cannot go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108, we do it here for $50 and I get back $43 from Medicare.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

MOANING

Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying:

“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confessed:

“It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!”

“If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!”

So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked:

“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Morris began fondling Sadie:

“What about now? Should I moan now?”

“No, I'll tell you when.”

He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”

“Wait, I'll tell you when.”

A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!”

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Category: Male Chauvinists

OCCUPATIONAL FATIGUE

“Doctor, I’m tired all the time.”

“How many times do you have intercourse with your wife?”

“Three times, sometimes even four times.”

“Weekly?”

“No, daily.”

“Do you have a girl friend?”

“Of course, doctor.”

“And how many times do you make out with her?”

“Six-seven times.”

“Weekly?”

“No, daily.”

“Then sir, it is due to your exaggerated sexual life that you are exhausted.”

“Thank God, I was afraid that it was because of me masturbating”

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Category: Mothers

MONKEYING AROUND

The mother took her son to the Zoo. As they approached the primate cages, she noticed with horror that a pair of gorillas were in the middle of steamy intercourse. Horrified of the bad influence this sight might have on her son, she tried to drag him away, but the child was adamant. He wanted to see the monkeys. As a last recourse, the mother grabbed the sleeve of the nearby attendant and urgently whispered into his ear:

“Do you think that if I gave them a banana each, they would stop?”

Bemused, the attendant looked her over and asked:

“Would you, Madam?”

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Category: Tax Matters A TAXING QUESTION

A woman walked into the local IRS office and declared loudly:

“I came in to settle our coitus tax.”

The receptionist was a quite embarrassed, but said:

“I am sorry Madam, but we have no intercourse taxes that I know of.”

“So why did my husband tell me this morning to go and pay the fucking taxes?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes MOANING

Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying:

“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confessed:

“It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!”

“If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!”

So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked:

“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Morris began fondling Sadie:

“What about now? Should I moan now?”

“No, I'll tell you when.”

He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”

“Wait, I'll tell you when.”

A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!”

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Category: Doctors and Patients C'EST LA VIE

A man came to the small town clinic with dull red lesions in the genital area. The doctor examined him and said:

“I am sorry, Sir, but you have syphilis.”

“But I just slept with my wife and Mrs. Peabody,” - claimed the patient.

“I really don’t care who you had intercourse with, I just state the facts.”

He gave the patient the necessary medication and turned to his next case. A fortnight later, another man came in with similar chancres. The physician found that he too had contracted syphilis. This patient also claimed to have slept only with his wife and Mrs. Peabody. So it went for almost a year. Every month or so, another patient with syphilis turned up at the clinic and each man protested that he only had intercourse with his wife and Mrs. Peabody.

One day, another middle-aged gent appeared with the usual symptoms. When the doctor diagnosed the same venereal disease, the man protested:

“But I only slept with my wife!”

“C’est la vie, Mr. Peabody,” - sighed the physician.

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Category: Business is Business A BARGAIN The same joke really, than the one published yesterday, but the action and venue are completely different. An elderly couple came to a sex therapist’s office asked him to watch their copulating technique. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said: “As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” – and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the fee and leave. Finally the doctor asked: “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The man replied: “We are not trying to find out anything. My friend here is married and we cannot go to her house, I’m married too and we cannot go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108, we do it here for $50 and I get back $43 from Medicare.” If you enjoy my jokes, please recommend this webpage to your friends! Thanks.

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