Category: Simpleton

DOCTOR'S MATE

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant:

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow, but I don't want to have to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and all of our patients". 

"Yes, sir!!!" - answered George. The doctor went hunting and on returning the following day, asked:

"So, George, how was your day?" 

George told him that he took care of three patients:

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." 

"Bravo George and the second one?" - asked the doctor. 

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" - said George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" - asked the doctor.

 "Sir, as I was sitting here at the desk, suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. In a flash, she undressed herself, took off everything, lied down on the table, spread her legs and shouted:

"HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!" 

"And what did you do George?" - asked the doctor. 

"I put drops in her eyes."

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," - said the little boy.

"Hi," - replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" - asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," - answered the little girl.

"Me too," - replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" - asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," - replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," - replied the little boy.

They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," - said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," - replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," - said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and
hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," - replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked:

"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

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Category: Marital Bliss

LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” - she asked.

“I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work” - the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you're naked!” - the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,”- the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you're naked!”

“Justin loves me to wear this dress,” - she insisted. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” - he asked.

“This is my love dress,” - she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” - he said. “What's for dinner?”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

MOANING

Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying:

“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confessed:

“It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!”

“If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!”

So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked:

“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Morris began fondling Sadie:

“What about now? Should I moan now?”

“No, I'll tell you when.”

He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”

“Wait, I'll tell you when.”

A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

NO PROBLEM

The young man, who lost one of his legs in an accident, had difficulty establishing a lasting male-female relationship. Advanced medical technology replaced his missing limb so well, that his handicap became almost unnoticeable. As he was a fairly good-looking man, he never had any trouble in attracting the girl he fancied. Their relationship would progress step-by-step, until it reached the stage, where, inflamed by passion, both wanted to bring their affair to its ultimate culmination. They would start undressing and depending on the particular girl he was with, the following would happen:

Some of the girls screamed, others reacted more restrained, but as a rule, as soon as they noticed his prosthetic limb, their passion cooled noticeably and that was the end of their relationship.

After several similar incidents, acting on the advice of an elderly friend, our man told his newest conquest of his supposed bashfulness. At his request, they undressed in total darkness; the man put his prosthetic limb in the corner and when both were in bed, told her:

“Darling, I have a problem!”

He took her hand gently and placed it on his stump. There was a sharp intake of breath and then the girl said softly:

“Maybe, if we would use some petroleum jelly, we could manage somehow.”

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Category: In the Middle East

A WORTHWHILE EFFORT

A religious man came to the police station and lodged a complaint against a girl, living across the street, who undresses every night before the open window, thus disturbing him in his meditations. The man was promised that an investigator would be sent out to visit the scene of the “crime.” One evening, a policeman arrived and asked the complainer to show him the offending window. The man pointed at a certain window in a distant building.

“Excuse me, Sir,” - wondered the officer, - “but one can hardly see that window and even if it could be seen, it would be difficult to distinguish details.”

“Of course,” - replied the man. “If you want to see what is happening in that window, you have to push the table to the furthermost left corner of the bedroom window and use the binoculars I keep in the drawer.”

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

RIGHT, ON THE FIRST GUESS

The elderly gentleman, very proud of his youngish looks, took his morning constitutional, as usual, in the neighborhood park. When he became tired, he sat on one of the benches, already occupied by a middle-aged lady. Soon, they fell to talking first about the weather (fine), then the morals of the youth (bad). Suddenly the old gent said:

“Guess how old I am.”

“Maybe if you undressed,” – answered the woman, – “I would be able to guess your age.”

The old man took off his clothes and his companion on the bench sized him up carefully. After a while she asked:

“Turn around, please!”

The man complied and felt her scrutinizing eyes on his back, like ants walking up and down. Finally she requested him to turn to the side and after a further check-up, stated:

“You are 92 years old.”

“How did you know?” – said the oldster in amazement. “People tell me that I look much younger.”

“You told me yesterday.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

A REAL TREAT

The men were having a few beers in the pub. One of them suddenly said:

“You know guys, next week I am going on a business trip to Morocco.”

“Really?” - reacted one of his drinking companions. “Be sure to visit the brothel in Casablanca. They say it is the best in the world.”

A couple of weeks passed and one night our traveler appeared again at his regular table at the pub. All his buddies asked excitedly:

“Did you visit the whorehouse in Casablanca?”

“Of course I did,” - answered the man.

“And how was it?” - yelled the men. “Tell us, tell us!”

“When I rang the bell, a small window opened and I was asked by a beautiful lady in an evening dress, if I have sufficient funds. Only when I showed her my Letter of Credit from the bank, was I admitted.”

“So you were inside,” - shouted his companions. “What happened next?”

“Two beauty queens took my hat and coat and showed me to a marble bathroom, with taps made of gold and told me to undress. They bathed me in French champagne, gave me a wonderfully relaxing massage and took me into one of their luxuriously appointed bedrooms, with overhead mirrors, closed-circuit television, water-bed and all.”

“All right, so you are primed for action,” clamored the crowd. “Were there any luscious girls?”

“Several. They had me lie on those satin sheets,” - continued our man in a leisurely manner. “Then they shaved off all my body-hair, covered me with whipped cream, decorated it with Maraschino cherries and for good measure, added some Triple Sec liquor.”

His audience seemed to have lost its patience:

“Get to the point!” - they demanded. “What happened next?”

“To tell you the truth, it all looked so delicious, I licked it off myself.”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

NO PROBLEM

The young man, who lost one of his legs in an accident, had difficulty establishing a lasting male-female relationship. Advanced medical technology replaced his missing limb so well, that his handicap became almost unnoticeable. As he was a fairly good-looking man, he never had any trouble in attracting the girl he fancied. Their relationship would progress step-by-step, until it reached the stage, where, inflamed by passion, both wanted to bring their affair to its ultimate culmination. They would start undressing and depending on the particular girl he was with, the following would happen:

Some of the girls screamed, others reacted more restrained, but as a rule, as soon as they noticed his prosthetic limb, their passion cooled noticeably and that was the end of their relationship.

After several similar incidents, acting on the advice of an elderly friend, our man told his newest conquest of his supposed bashfulness. At his request, they undressed in total darkness; the man put his prosthetic limb in the corner and when both were in bed, told her:

“Darling, I have a problem!”

He took her hand gently and placed it on his stump. There was a sharp intake of breath and then the girl said softly:

“Maybe, if we would use some petroleum jelly, we could manage somehow.”

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Category: In the Middle East A WORTHWHILE EFFORT

A religious man came to the police station and lodged a complaint against a girl, living across the street, who undresses every night before the open window, thus disturbing him in his meditations. The man was promised that an investigator would be sent out to visit the scene of the “crime.” One evening, a policeman arrived and asked the complainer to show him the offending window. The man pointed at a certain window in a distant building.

“Excuse me, Sir,” - wondered the officer, - “but one can hardly see that window and even if it could be seen, it would be difficult to distinguish details.”

“Of course,” - replied the man. “If you want to see what is happening in that window, you have to push the table to the furthermost left corner of the bedroom window and use the binoculars I keep in the drawer.”

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