Category: Modern Fables

ADAM AND EVE

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said:

“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered:

“Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush… Moments later, Adam emerged and said:

“Thank you Lord, we thought that was wonderful!”

And the Lord replied:

“Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said:

“What is a 'caress'?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam took his beloved wife behind the bushes...  Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said:

“Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said:

“You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam inquired:

“What is it to 'to make love', Lord?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared almost instantly...  And Adam said:

“Lord, what is a 'headache'?”

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Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster's phone rang late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”

The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:

“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

NOT HIS DAY

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired:

"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said:

"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked:

"What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day."

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Category: Mother-inLaw

GRATIFICATION

A married couple was involved in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only suitable place was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful face. One day when she was alone with her husband, she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said:

“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!”  

He replied: “Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

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Category: Boys and Girls

SOME LAWS OF SEX

¬ Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

¬ Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

¬ Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

¬ Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

¬ Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

¬ After 2 a.m. there are no ugly women.

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Category: Drinking Problem

DIFFERENT TREATMENT

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem  Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked:

"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him:

"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state:

"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

LIES

A cabbie picked up a nun. She got into the cab and the noticed that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asked him why he is staring and he replied:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answered:
“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well....I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me passionately.”
She responded:
“Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver was very excited and said:
“Yes, I'm single and Catholic too!!”
The nun said:,
“OK, pull into the next alley.”
He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” – said the nun, – “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied and must confess. I'm married and Jewish.”
The nun said:
“That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.”

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Category: C'est la Vie

SHUT HIM UP

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You've got to have a room somewhere,” - he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don't care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” - admitted the manager -”and he might be glad to split the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” - the tired Marine assured him. “I'll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How'd you sleep?” - asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed.
“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time” - said the Marine.
“How'd you manage that?” - asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” - the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me.”

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Category: Women's Lib

UNCANNY INSIGHT

A spinster answered a phone call late one night.

“Hello,” – said a deep voice on the other end. “I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”
The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:
“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''

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Category: Naughty Jokes

MOANING

Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying:

“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confessed:

“It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!”

“If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!”

So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked:

“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Morris began fondling Sadie:

“What about now? Should I moan now?”

“No, I'll tell you when.”

He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”

“Wait, I'll tell you when.”

A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HALLOWEEN

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. On the eve of the party, the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, decided to go the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought that she would have some fun by watching him, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her mate would make for his behavior. The wife was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said:

“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”

Then she asked:

“Did you dance much?”

He replied:

“I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

MATING URGE

At the Warsaw zoo, the male gorilla passed away. His mate lost all interest in life, stopped eating, sat dejectedly all day in a corner, visibly pining away for lack of love. Telexes were sent to all the zoos in the world, but the search for a replacement was to no avail. In the end a member of the management suggested advertising in the local newspapers. The following ad was published:

“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”

Only one reply was received: The letter read:

“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:

1. I don't want to have to kiss her.

2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

3. I can only afford to pay $150.”

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Category: Doctors and Patients

AT THE HOSPITAL

“Give us a kiss, Nurse!

“I cannot.”

“Just a small one.”

“Impossible.”

“But Nurse, just a tiny, little one.”

“Please understand, I’m already breaking the regulations lying like this under you.”

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Category: Marital Bliss FIT PRESENT

A fellow said to his buddy:

“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”

His buddy said:

“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”

The next day his buddy asked:

“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”

“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Ethnic Stories MATING URGE

At the Warsaw zoo, the male gorilla passed away. His mate lost all interest in life, stopped eating, sat dejectedly all day in a corner, visibly pining away for lack of love. Telexes were sent to all the zoos in the world, but the search for a replacement was to no avail. In the end a member of the management suggested advertising in the local newspapers. The following ad was published:

“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”

Only one reply was received: The letter read:

“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:

1. I don't want to have to kiss her.

2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

3. I can only afford to pay $150.”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Modern Fables ADAM AND EVE

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said:

“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered:

“Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush… Moments later, Adam emerged and said:

“Thank you Lord, we thought that was wonderful!”

And the Lord replied:

“Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said:

“What is a 'caress'?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam took his beloved wife behind the bushes... Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said:

“Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said:

“You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam inquired:

“What is it to 'to make love', Lord?”

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared almost instantly... And Adam said:

“Lord, what is a 'headache'?”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Gay Liberation Front NOT HIS DAY

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired:

"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said:

"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked:

"What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day."

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Mother-In-Law GRATIFICATION

A married couple was involved in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only suitable place was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful face. One day when she was alone with her husband, she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said:

“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!”

He replied: “Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

Throw Back Guy: Professional jerseys from NFL, NHL, NBA, & MLB teams. Buy jerseys at cheap clearance prices. Get up to 40% off retail jersey prices. http://www.throwbackguy.com

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Category: Doctors and Patients AT THE HOSPITAL

“Give us a kiss, Nurse!

“I cannot.”

“Just a small one.”

“Impossible.”

“But Nurse, just a tiny, little one.”

“Please understand, I’m already breaking the regulations lying like this under you.”

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